How can I discourage DD10 from identifying as a cat

[Nocatsplease]

NC for this in case I get jumped on.

DD has just started year 6, and during the summer holidays she started pretending to be a cat. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, so at first I thought it was a bit of a childish regression as a response to all the changes, and just assumed it would fizzle out once she went back to school.

Unfortunately, she seems to have gone in the other direction with it, and is now saying she 'identifies' as a cat and spent some of her birthday money on a couple of masks and tails. Her dad and I have tried to mostly ignore and gently discourage it, but we've since become aware of the more sinister 'furry' connotations of this kind of thing. We're also both pretty GC, so we're definitely not happy about her 'identifying' as anything and want to put a stop to it. I've always had very frank conversations with her about how people may identify as different things, but it's not possible to change biology.

However, we have no idea how to explain it to her in terms she'll understand, and meanwhile she seems to be wanting to take it further and further. I'm also worried that if we give her a hard no, we'll end up pushing her even further in the other direction. I've already told her she's not allowed to dress up at school, and today while we were out another parent questioned her 'tail', which led to a conversation in which she told me that grown adults have called her 'furry' and growled at her in public.

That crosses a very clear line for me, so I ended up telling her that she's not to dress up in public any more because it's not appropriate for her age. The problem is she has NO IDEA of the more sinister connotations of what she's doing, so she doesn't understand what that means. She's currently in her room crying and saying she hates me and that I must be embarrassed and disappointed in her.

How can I explain it to her in a way she'll get and without having to bring sex into it?!

Everyone has gone fucking mad.

Give her cat food to eat and a litter tray.

I'm bloody sick of all this identifying and trans and whatever else.
Nobody should be hurt, belittled or made to feel miserable. Can't children just be that.....children?

@Nocatsplease

I imagine that woman from your nursery also heard it on Mumsnet tbh.

If you know the name of the school make direct enquiries.

I agree with the PP that it's adult gossip about this (quite rare) stuff that makes it so attractive to children - especially when they're too young to understand the adult implications

I would be quite blunt and tell her dressing up as animals is a sexual fetish for some adults, and she's not being cute or outrageous, she's being daft and on the verge of entering a dark and dangerous world that she won't understand.

I don’t believe a word of it. It’s a load of made up crap to stoke culture wars. You’re her parent you get to tell her it’s a load of rubbish and it stops now.

How can you even give a second thought to such obvious crap?
A parent told you did they? And who told them? And who told that person?
Do the school have human teenager sized litter trays to demand, or are they just happy with regular litter trays that they propose to squat over?

And where do they use such an item? In the toilet cubicle, corridor...where?

What a lot of tosh.
People will believe anything.

Tell her to go next door, dig a hole in their flowerbed and crap in it.

I hope you're right!

I can't advise you OP, but I will say do nothing to encourage this. Certainly not give tinned food, biscuits and litter as some have suggested. I would honestly seek professional advice quickly. The only other thing I'd do is get her off social media entirely. Text and phone only - no whatsapp, insta, facebook, certainly not tiktok or snapchat or youtube.

The window I sit next to at work is opposite the house of a counsellor / psychotherapist. There is a stream of kids like this now, I see at least 1 a day sometimes more, who apparently identifies as some sort of animal (obviously from behaviour, mannerisms, things like pinned on tails etc). Please seek professional help.

You have really made me laugh with this!

Definitely time for some direct conversations. Totally bring in the fact that lots of people use it in a “sex way” (use whatever language you’ve been using up until now. Mine, for example, know that adults do things that are not appropriate for children to know the details of and they usually just say “Ah, right” when I don’t go into greater depth about throuples or whatever wholly inappropriate thing they just heard on the news!).

It’s ok to basically give them a “Because I say so…” as an answer. I’ve always tried not to do it but sometimes they just need to accept it without questioning or talking back. Ears & tail in the house, absolutely not in public.

You can tie the conversation in with safeguarding/online safety which she’s probably done at school “I don’t who these people are (especially the ones in masks) so I can’t keep you safe from them”. The men growling at her in public and calling her a furry is extremely concerning. She’s 10. The type of men who a) would growl at a child in public and b) know about furries are EXACTLY the type of men i wouldn’t want near my 10 year child. They are the potential threat, not the other 10 year olds skipping about with cat ears on. Unfortunately, they all fall under the same umbrella and use the same bits of the internet.

I’d also be trying to get as much info from her as possible as to where she heard about therains and furries. That’s also very concerning. One of our friend’s daughters says she’s a therian and announced the other day when she was round that she’s also a furry. She’s 9. She also started out crafting masks and tails (I’m starting to see a theme here) but I know she has TikTok/WhatsApp and her parents aren’t really tech savvy. They certainly aren’t familiar with gender ideology or the dark side of furries/pup play etc. She’s also potentially ND so lots of possible red flags. I’m going to have a conversation with them at some point so at least they’re aware of what can happen.

This isn't a culture war - this is a parent with a 10 year old wanting to be a cat! There's been some good advice on here OP. Hard as it is, saying "No, you're 10, not 3 and it's inappropriate to pretend to be a cat in public" is the way to go.

As the link about therians upthread shows, this does seem to be getting traction with some teenagers and adults around them really need to say no.

The suggestion about helping with animals, get involved with the Cats Protection League etc is a good one. Good luck.

Put the stuff in the bin, turn off the internet and tell your child enough of this nonsense. After a few tantrums they will get over themselves. Do not be fearful be strong.quick and decisive in your approach to parenting.

How does she even know about identifying as something else. I think this is the problem

I think you’re on the right lines. Tell her it’s something she can do as play, but not when ‘playtme’ is over. Keep reiterating that she is not a cat, she’s just someone who likes playing as a cat. Ignore her unless she talks to you properly. Try and distract he with other things she might be interested in. I know not everyone would agree with this but I would tell her she’s being downright silly and childish

There IS a difference though.

Great! As if! ( sadly)

I haven't RTFT but surely this is an attempt to escape the stresses of the ongoing divorce? If she has no knowledge of the sexual connotations of furries it sounds as if it is purely a form of escapism on her part. IMO the best thing to do is to not overreact, be matter of fact when she talks about it. If you get shouty and angry the will feel bewildered and upset.

Quite. 99pc of these type of posts are just anti trans dogwhistling afaiac.

Play along with it but set boundaries.

Trying to stamp it out completely will make her want to do it more.

How did she learn about “identifying as” at ten what has she been watching?

Find the most horrible smelling cat food. Give jt to her for dinner. She will appreciate being human afterwards. Play her at her own game

This 'litter tray in the school toilets' has to be an urban myth. I heard it about a local secondary school at work (North Wales). My friend in West Yorkshire heard the same as did a friend in East London. It's bullshit. There are not schools throughout the UK catering for pupils identifying as cats.

Others have mentioned the same advice I would suggest. give her drink in a saucer I am sure she will soon change her mind.