How can I discourage DD10 from identifying as a cat

[Nocatsplease]

NC for this in case I get jumped on.

DD has just started year 6, and during the summer holidays she started pretending to be a cat. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, so at first I thought it was a bit of a childish regression as a response to all the changes, and just assumed it would fizzle out once she went back to school.

Unfortunately, she seems to have gone in the other direction with it, and is now saying she 'identifies' as a cat and spent some of her birthday money on a couple of masks and tails. Her dad and I have tried to mostly ignore and gently discourage it, but we've since become aware of the more sinister 'furry' connotations of this kind of thing. We're also both pretty GC, so we're definitely not happy about her 'identifying' as anything and want to put a stop to it. I've always had very frank conversations with her about how people may identify as different things, but it's not possible to change biology.

However, we have no idea how to explain it to her in terms she'll understand, and meanwhile she seems to be wanting to take it further and further. I'm also worried that if we give her a hard no, we'll end up pushing her even further in the other direction. I've already told her she's not allowed to dress up at school, and today while we were out another parent questioned her 'tail', which led to a conversation in which she told me that grown adults have called her 'furry' and growled at her in public.

That crosses a very clear line for me, so I ended up telling her that she's not to dress up in public any more because it's not appropriate for her age. The problem is she has NO IDEA of the more sinister connotations of what she's doing, so she doesn't understand what that means. She's currently in her room crying and saying she hates me and that I must be embarrassed and disappointed in her.

How can I explain it to her in a way she'll get and without having to bring sex into it?!

Honestly. I remember having a conversation with her dad a few years ago along the lines of 'I hope all this trans nonsense has blown over by the time she's old enough to access the internet'. But it seems this is what it's morphing into.

I find it so worrying that this seems to be a growing trend amongst this age group, judging from this thread and others. I was oblivious to all of this just a few weeks ago.

Unless she's been existing in an opaque, soundproof bubble I'm going to take a stab at guessing 'anywhere'. The possibilities are endless.

It's the word of the day.

Yeah we have a family friend whose daughter has been doing this at secondary school and it's very sad. The other girls are not unkind to her face - they wouldn't dare - but in private they say they think she is disturbed and they don't want to deal with it more than they have to at school.

So she's getting silently frozen out of friendship groups because the children are not allowed to disagree with or address the elephant (or cat) in the room. It seems like from the outside that once a child has a special identity like this, other children treat them like an unexploded bomb, not a friend. And this may well be a rational thing to do I suppose in this climate. Honestly it might be better if she was told to her face why her old friends are avoiding her. :/

Just feed her cat food. That might make her realise!!

(I’m only half joking …)

She’s 10 and she understands the biology of sex. I’m sure she also understands the idea of sexy clothes or sexy dancing. In order to protect her, you need to be quite blunt and say that some adults find people dressed as animals sexy. And you won’t let her go out in public and be viewed in that way at her age, it’s your job to protect her.

I would also give a great deal of thought as to how she heard about this. Maybe she just dreamed it up herself, but I would be worried she’s viewing content about this. In my house, YouTube can only be watched on a large tv in a main room and shorts are absolutely banned. Yup, I hate the sound of the annoying American YouTubers they watch, but I know what they’re watching and I have caught them once or twice falling down weird rabbit holes I felt uncomfortable with and stopped them.

There are children at her school who identify as trans so she's been aware of the concept and language for a while. I've always tried to keep the focus on biology when that topic has come up.

Er, re my post, so far as I'm aware no litter trays are involved! Just cat ears and tail and the identity stuff.

I wouldnt feed her cat food but I would give her extra vegetables and grilled fish as cats love fish (plus it's healthy)- definitely no sweets or puddings as bad for cats. I'd also remove the internet from her as cats dont go on YouTube or use phones etc.

If you do that, I guarantee within 24 hours she'll be sick of it and suddenly it wont be so appealing.

What? Both are pretending to be something they are not and never will be.

I say it all the time about teenagers - their rebellion is fuelled by outrage. They can smell the energy that anything they try triggers in the adults around them…

Identity stuff is a really really effective adult outrage hook. I would advocate that you disengaged from at as much as possible. Set some pretty clear and sensible boundaries about it eg

• its our job to help you keep your body strong and so you can do judo or soccer - take your pick. You will be required to wear the appropriate kit for it
• you can play whatever games you choose in your own time but for family meal times we don’t have any toys at the table (your brothers trucks / our phones / your tail - all away)

other than that I’d ignore it completely. What are her friends like? Are they children whose families encourage academic / sporting / artistic / personal excellence? What can you do to actively engage her with other young people who are too busy + involved with activities to get sucked into a laconic / disaffected identity counter culture?

I know someone who got into it at 13, and now she makes all the tails and paws and such professionally and now she's 17, she makes more money than her parents from her Etsy store (patterns & finished products) and has tens of thousands of followers. She's already got the money for her uni fees and a good chunk of a house deposit. So it can be very lucrative.

She's not involved in the sexual side of it, it's cosplay for events and people's hobbies and such.

This is all really good advice, thank you. I think the idea of 'sexy' is something she will understand and means I won't have to go into too much sordid detail.

This is a good point. I'd suggest setting firm boundaries where you are comfortable op but also maybe have a chat about how she's feeling about the divorce. Does she think she wants to be a cat so she doesn't have to be a little girl whose parents are splitting up? Maybe you could encourage her to write stories. Maybe she needs some counselling. She's telling you something but you need to work out what it is. You need to be gentle with her but also need to say she can't actually be a cat.

I agree with avoiding using the language "identifying as", as this can seem to give it legitimacy. And trying to explain in a gentle way that some adults - not many, but some - will see connotations that she's not intending, and it's your job to keep her safe.

Hard to find the right words, though, I can see that.

Ds is autistic and when he is under great stress and pressure he meows and head boops like a cat he doesn't wear masks tails etc but he does act very cat like this all began before he watched you tube and before we had cats
it is a coping mechanism for him nothing more Nothing less

Honestly, it sounds like the one that has been influenced by social media is you. It is just dress up and escapism - let her have it. The one who is embarrassed is you, the one who thinks it has sexual overtones is you, 10 years ago no one would have cared - listen to both sides here, the Canadian professor is interesting.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00237mf?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

The problem is that other, unknown adults are acting inappropriately around her as a result of this. As a parent I need to protect her from that.

So. She's heard rumours about secondary school students identifying as cats and using litter trays?
I don't know where she got it from, but tell her it's a load of old nonsense.

My guess is that its might be some form of insecurity, likely a reaction to parents going through divorce /not trying to say its your fault!/.

I think if she is around 10 you could explain that she cant do the pretend cat outside of home because of the sex connotation. Obviously not with much detail.
Also please dont shame her or punish as she will see it as a rejection from you and she needs your support.

Males and females are human.
Cats aren't.

Honestly I wouldn't mock her or give her dinner in a saucer. If this is a reaction to divorce and life stress, counselling sounds more appropriate. Deal with the root of the problem.

Tell her she's too old to be playing dress up and that she's obviously not a cat.

Honestly OP, if this is a real post - you ought to be ashamed.

Jesus Christ.

Put her outside the door at night before going to bed?

Lock her in the cellar and ask her to deal with the mouse/rat problem?

OK, that is going too far, but I would do something like ask her if she wants Whiskas or another brand for her breakfast? I also support showing the George Galloway footage... I heard that someone went to a furry convention once and was aghast to find it was creepy old men underneath the costumes (they were quite young). Maybe find an article on that and leave it lying around?

The worrying thing is that it seems to be a thing in secondary school, as I thought you could maybe try to get an older "cooler" kid to chat/befriend her and suggest being a cat is "so 2023" and the cooler kids all look down their noses at such "childish" behaviour.

If this is real, I do feel for you.

I went to an all girls school for primary and secondary. We had plenty of weird children who were obsessed with wolves, eagles, dragons you name it. The same were into fantasy novels broadly speaking. They had all out grown this hyper fixation by the time UCAS applications were being submitted. To take it seriously is absolutely ridiculous.

I suspect she's more distressed about the divorce than yiu have recognised and is escaping in some way by being a cat. I think you need a visit to the school with her form teacher for support to be put in place and a visit to the doctor for some emotional support to be put in place.