How can I discourage DD10 from identifying as a cat

[Nocatsplease]

NC for this in case I get jumped on.

DD has just started year 6, and during the summer holidays she started pretending to be a cat. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, so at first I thought it was a bit of a childish regression as a response to all the changes, and just assumed it would fizzle out once she went back to school.

Unfortunately, she seems to have gone in the other direction with it, and is now saying she 'identifies' as a cat and spent some of her birthday money on a couple of masks and tails. Her dad and I have tried to mostly ignore and gently discourage it, but we've since become aware of the more sinister 'furry' connotations of this kind of thing. We're also both pretty GC, so we're definitely not happy about her 'identifying' as anything and want to put a stop to it. I've always had very frank conversations with her about how people may identify as different things, but it's not possible to change biology.

However, we have no idea how to explain it to her in terms she'll understand, and meanwhile she seems to be wanting to take it further and further. I'm also worried that if we give her a hard no, we'll end up pushing her even further in the other direction. I've already told her she's not allowed to dress up at school, and today while we were out another parent questioned her 'tail', which led to a conversation in which she told me that grown adults have called her 'furry' and growled at her in public.

That crosses a very clear line for me, so I ended up telling her that she's not to dress up in public any more because it's not appropriate for her age. The problem is she has NO IDEA of the more sinister connotations of what she's doing, so she doesn't understand what that means. She's currently in her room crying and saying she hates me and that I must be embarrassed and disappointed in her.

How can I explain it to her in a way she'll get and without having to bring sex into it?!

I would be very wary of making this something shameful. I think it's absolutely fine for a 10 year old girl to pretend to be a cat. If she's calling it 'identifying' that's only because that's the 'in' term just now.
She'll soon get bored and grow out of it. Kids at school demanding litter trays (take that with a massive pinch of salt btw) are having a fucking laugh. It's totally ignorable.

Those here doing their tits and telling you to ban her from the internet and take her phone away are quite funny.

If she’s a cognitively average 10 year old I’m certain she does understand. I really don’t envy you - what the fuck is this world putting on our children. Be strong even if she dislikes you for it now.

Hear hear @CalishataFolkart

Put cat food in a bowl.on the floor for dinner, tell her that's what cats eat (obviously don't let her eat it) tell her she has to use the litter tray and clean it herself, forbid her from going in certain places and doing certain things, things that cats can't do. She'll soon get the message of how ridiculous it is.

Also I'd be keeping an eye on her Internet use. She's finding this stuff from somewhere and that "furry" bunch are a load of predatory creeps.

Honestly step up and parent. Throw the cat stuff in the bin. Replace the money but explain if she buys more it’ll be binned and not replaced. Tell her that no human can identify as a cat or anything else and that’s the last you expect to hear of this nonsense.

Hmm. I think talking is the way to go on this one. What does she actually mean when she says that she "identifies as" a cat. Does that mean that she thinks she actually is a cat? (And if so, what is it exactly that she thinks makes her a cat? Does she think she looks like a cat? Does she think other people would agree that she is a cat? Does she think other cats would see her as a cat? Does she really want to be treated like a cat, with all that that entails?) I suspect that, when you drill down, she will eventually acknowledge that she knows full well that she isn't actually a cat, so at that point, you need to understand what it is that she is getting out of pretending to be a cat. What need in her is that pretence helping to address?

The kid knows she isn't a cat really. So what is it about "cathood" that appeals to her, I wonder?

And yes confiscate her phone until and unless you can get it locked down from looking up this stuff

I think you nailed it with regression OP. Stressful family situation plus last year in primary both tend towards regressing as a way to cope. The cat id is most likely a signal that she's struggling with some unwonted exceptions of maturity (and many primaries lay this on thick in the first weeks, how yr 6s need to 'set an example', SATS, taking more personal responsibility for appearance, preparedness, etc). I wouldn't necessarily read this though the lens of either social media influence or worries about the gender woo lot.

Ok honestly if this was my child, if she wants to be a cat she sleeps in a cat bed. She doesn’t have toys apart from cat toys. No Christmas or birthday presents as cats don’t have them. Fish only for dinners as that what’s cats eat. Only milk to drink.

id give her a week before she’s given it up.

I have absolutely no issue being the bad guy. I'm mostly annoyed at myself for letting her go this far with it and worried she'll double down on it out of stubbornness.

If she is saying she identifies as a cat, it could be something to do with being a "therian". My niece is the same age and also has the masks. She showed me videos of girls on youtube shorts videoing themselves doing "quadrobics" while wearing a mask and tail so I would bet that's where she got it from. https://www.captvreimagination.com/post/my-kid-is-an-animal-furries-and-therians-in-child-development

I wouldn’t do any of the things like offering her cat food, putting her in the garden etc. that to me is just avoiding the issue. This needs talking through. @MrsBennetsPoorNerves has the right approach I think. She’s trying to escape into an imaginary world, why is that? What’s she avoiding? I think there might be a trauma link to the divorce.

And actually no I don’t think it’s normal for a 10 year old to pretend to be a cat. 4 or 5 maybe. Not age 10

This is good as it makes it real and takes out the attractiveness out of it

And stick her out at night. Make her eat and drink from bowls on the floor, worm her like a cat (used to have to hold mine and keep his mouth closed until he swallowed the big tablets)

I’m joking, obviously, but I agree with pp, why let her buy stuff that encourages it?

Stop all phone use and social media.

She'll end up being bullied for this.

Counselling? It's very odd behaviour.

I hold my hands up there. I think I was so preoccupied with divorce stuff at the time that I just assumed it was a silly childish thing that she'd quickly give up on once she was back at school. Sadly I was very wrong.

I like the advice to talk to her about her thought process with the 'identifying as' stuff. I think once her younger brothers are in bed tonight I'll sit her down and have a chat. Her school have a wellbeing counsellor that she's had some sessions with before so perhaps talking to her might help.

You're afraid if you say no it will make things worse?

In what way can it get worse? She’s 10, you control what goes on in her life.

I certainly wouldn’t not be telling a 10 yr old it’s a sex thing and introducing the world of kink to her!

But you tell her that it’s unfortunately a thing that some weird adults do and therefore, as a parent, you will not be allowing her to continue to act like that.

Get her to help out a local cat shelter or raise money for it- under the strict guidance that she isn’t a cat, but she can care for cats and take an interest in them.

But the tails, collars, ears all go in the bin.

I don't see the difference between a girl identifying as a cat or a girl identifying as a boy. We ridicule the wannabe cat but not the wannabe boy.

Both are wrong. Tell her to stop it or you'll take her to psychologist.

Not at school is fine, it’s not part of the uniform. If she can’t wear it outside the house then I think you need to really focus on making her not feel shameful about wanting to play that way whilst she is in the house. It is not her fault that adults have appropriated dressing up as animals in the way that they have.

For outside the house I think you need to indicate that it’s a shame she can’t dress up there but recently there have been some adults that like playing dressing up at the same time as they do adult sexual things. A very small number of bad people might take her wearing a costume as indication that she wants to take part, and whilst it’s really unlikely you don’t want to risk it.

But you tell her that it’s unfortunately a thing that some weird adults do and therefore, as a parent, you will not be allowing her to continue to act like that.

I like this, thank you.

Whoa.......Young people are demanding litter trays from Secondary school staff?
There is something seriously wrong here.

The problem is that the loud minority scream so loud that it’s become hard for the logically majority to take the same stance on young children deciding they are trans. As you say, both utterly damaging and ridiculous.

Please god. Don't let this be true.

I found it quite unbelievable too. But yes, a parent from my son's nursery told me this at a soft play party this morning. It's the first time I've heard such a thing in real life and not on Mumsnet.