How can I discourage DD10 from identifying as a cat

[Nocatsplease]

NC for this in case I get jumped on.

DD has just started year 6, and during the summer holidays she started pretending to be a cat. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, so at first I thought it was a bit of a childish regression as a response to all the changes, and just assumed it would fizzle out once she went back to school.

Unfortunately, she seems to have gone in the other direction with it, and is now saying she 'identifies' as a cat and spent some of her birthday money on a couple of masks and tails. Her dad and I have tried to mostly ignore and gently discourage it, but we've since become aware of the more sinister 'furry' connotations of this kind of thing. We're also both pretty GC, so we're definitely not happy about her 'identifying' as anything and want to put a stop to it. I've always had very frank conversations with her about how people may identify as different things, but it's not possible to change biology.

However, we have no idea how to explain it to her in terms she'll understand, and meanwhile she seems to be wanting to take it further and further. I'm also worried that if we give her a hard no, we'll end up pushing her even further in the other direction. I've already told her she's not allowed to dress up at school, and today while we were out another parent questioned her 'tail', which led to a conversation in which she told me that grown adults have called her 'furry' and growled at her in public.

That crosses a very clear line for me, so I ended up telling her that she's not to dress up in public any more because it's not appropriate for her age. The problem is she has NO IDEA of the more sinister connotations of what she's doing, so she doesn't understand what that means. She's currently in her room crying and saying she hates me and that I must be embarrassed and disappointed in her.

How can I explain it to her in a way she'll get and without having to bring sex into it?!

Yes most of the content she watches seems to be crafty stuff like that.

She actually spends ages crafting cat tails out of yarn, which I naively thought was a good thing as it was keeping her away from screens. However the general consensus seems to be that this has come from online, so clearly we need to be cracking down.

My DD (now 29) insisted she was a spider when she was 3. Scuttled around on all fours and didn't talk. I called her for lunch and she came. I told her lunch was dead flies. She magically became a girl again.

The sooner you stop entertaining this nonsense, the better.

I would say she's old enough to be told that some people will view it as a weird sex thing, not loads of detail but enough to make her uncomfortable doing it once she understands the context.

The problem is though that she's 10, not 3. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can gently explain why it's so inappropriate I'd appreciate it.

Remind her that if she actually was a real cat then she'd probably grow a tail naturally (unless she was something like a Manx), she'd also have claws, whiskers and fur.

Same here. I pretended to be an animal too, for quite a while. My DS does now, and he sometimes dresses with tails and things too. He’s a child. It’s what they do. Your DD is unfortunately on the cusp of adolescence, so to some she will seem too old for dress up, but at 10 she really shouldn’t be. What sort of world do we live in when a 10 yr old can’t partake in pretend play with a bit of dressing up, especially if life is a bit uncertain for her at the moment.

People may assume she is into the whole adult world of furries, and mention things to her, is it any different to men wolf whistling at well developed preteens? I had my fair share of that too. She probably hears the stuff about identifying as a cat/being a furry from people at school who are trying to appear more knowledgeable and grown up than they are. If she is just having innocent, childhood fun and is oblivious to everything else why would you not let her engage in innocent play? Down play the identifying bit maybe but let her be a child.

Sigh

Gosh this reminds me of when I was about 6 and galloped like a horse everywhere. I literally wanted to be a horse but eventually stopped. It could have been a trauma response to the divorce of my parents. I have a ten year old and I wouldn't know what to do in this instance. I think I would be at a loss and be very worried. The phone would be taken away for sure. Social media has a lot to answer for.

I have wondered this. She does have a good understanding of sex, but only really from a reproductive perspective. We've never really discussed sex in any other terms so I feel like I wouldn't know where to begin.

There was a similar thread recently about a daughter who was ‘therian’ i believe it’s called and someone of that persuasion posted on it. Funny how they’re always cats/wolves and never rats/pigs or anything less appealing to humans.

I think if she wants to wear the stuff in public she’ll have to accept people might stare and make comments. And keep reiterating it’s fine to be creative and playful but she is a human and that’s it

Ask her why she thinks she's a cat?
Let her start the discussion then lead it toward why you don't think she actually is a cat (using examples). Don't tell her off but also don't entertain fantasies.

Say you identify as a dog and chase her out of the house.

Or better say "yes dear, you'd soon change your mind if you smelt cat food" and ignore her.

Tell her she needs to grow up. 10 is too old for dressing up like that. She'll be in high school next year.

it can be something neurodiverse children do when they are feeling overwhelmed too, it is a rational "I can't cope so I'll be a cat because a cat copes well and everyone loves a cat" type of response to stress.
Just a thought.
Does she socialise well and is she doing well at school? If so ignore and crack on with above advice.

What's the difference between a girl saying she identifies as a boy and a girl saying she identifies as a cat? None

Both are incorrect and should be discouraged at such a young age

I do get where you're coming from, but with both the 'furry' connotations and the fact she's using language like 'identifying as', it makes me concerned that she's at the start of a slippery slope into something that she's not mature enough to understand.

Also, men wolf whistling at preteens is very wrong and something I would also want to protect her from.

Isn't all this therian stuff on YouTube and social media like TikTok? If you safeguard her access to the internet and take her off apps she's not old enough to access, then hopefully she'll move on.

Well, if you ignore the fact that cats aren't human, have claws and fur, poo in litter trays or outside and eat cat food.....

It depends what conversations you have had in the past about things. My 9 year old said something about furries so I explained why they were inappropriate for children. We have discussed inappropriate adults in other contexts previously so he understood enough without going into too much detail

I'm pretty sure she's not ND, just going through a bit of a difficult and uncertain time.

Obviously you can’t do things like feed her cat food (no matter how tempting) but you could certainly take away all the things she likes that cats don’t or shouldn’t do. Cats don’t use phones or TVs, they don’t eat cake or sweets (or pizza, etc) as it’s very bad for them so she’s not allowed them. You can give her plain (ish) fish though, every day (and it’s good for her, cat or not). Just take the nice things away in a very matter of fact way, no drama. Hopefully she’ll grow out of it but it must be a worry in this day and age.

I wouldn't repeat back the "identifying as" phrasing, I'd clearly refer to it as "pretending to be" or "dressing up as". I'd also just be very hard and fast about when it's appropriate to dress up and pretend and when it isn't. At home, she can dress up and pretend, although not if you've got things to do, homework, mealtimes. Out and about is an absolute no, as it's not appropriate to pretend to be an animal when you're interacting with other people, particularly strangers in public.

I also agree with the idea of getting her out and about, doing activities where she doesn't have time to dwell on this obsession.

This ^^ 🤣🤣🤣

This is exactly the sort of response I was looking for, thank you. Would you mind elaborating on what you said to your 9 year old?

I would just outright say 'for some adults dressing up as an animal is a sex thing' but then I think I am quite forthright with my kids.

A girl in my daughter's class identifies as a cat and wears ears and a tail to school; she doesn't even know her name because she just...acts like a cat 🙄