How can I discourage DD10 from identifying as a cat

[Nocatsplease]

NC for this in case I get jumped on.

DD has just started year 6, and during the summer holidays she started pretending to be a cat. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, so at first I thought it was a bit of a childish regression as a response to all the changes, and just assumed it would fizzle out once she went back to school.

Unfortunately, she seems to have gone in the other direction with it, and is now saying she 'identifies' as a cat and spent some of her birthday money on a couple of masks and tails. Her dad and I have tried to mostly ignore and gently discourage it, but we've since become aware of the more sinister 'furry' connotations of this kind of thing. We're also both pretty GC, so we're definitely not happy about her 'identifying' as anything and want to put a stop to it. I've always had very frank conversations with her about how people may identify as different things, but it's not possible to change biology.

However, we have no idea how to explain it to her in terms she'll understand, and meanwhile she seems to be wanting to take it further and further. I'm also worried that if we give her a hard no, we'll end up pushing her even further in the other direction. I've already told her she's not allowed to dress up at school, and today while we were out another parent questioned her 'tail', which led to a conversation in which she told me that grown adults have called her 'furry' and growled at her in public.

That crosses a very clear line for me, so I ended up telling her that she's not to dress up in public any more because it's not appropriate for her age. The problem is she has NO IDEA of the more sinister connotations of what she's doing, so she doesn't understand what that means. She's currently in her room crying and saying she hates me and that I must be embarrassed and disappointed in her.

How can I explain it to her in a way she'll get and without having to bring sex into it?!

If you think I'm a troll you can report to MNHQ.

The child was in pre-K so may have been 4 rather than 5. My daughter was in 8th grade and they are paired with the pre-Kers for some activities so we got a letter about it. I sometimes wonder what happened that kid - be about 14 now. Almost certainly puberty blockers.

Yes it's gross, isn't it? And also disturbingly fascinating how quickly they've adapted away from tiktok (which parents are onto now) to another platform which you wouldn't have thought was a conduit.

For anyone interested in misinformation. This latest craze is part of a misinformation culture.

A one-time student of mine was a trafficking victim. She was groomed. Her family had no idea.

This isn't all mass-media histrionics, or the stirring up of moral panic. Some of it is very real. Tragically, I've seen at first-hand what can happen as a consequence.

That's what frightens me. They always seem to be one step ahead.

Why on earth would you punish a ten year old whose parents are getting divorced for wanting to escape into a different world for a bit. That seems really cruel.

In place of frank conversations with her about how people may identify as different things tell her the truth, that it's all a load of bollocks and any adult calling her a furry should be treated as either stupid or a weirdo she should avoid.

The problem is though that she's 10, not 3. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can gently explain why it's so inappropriate I'd appreciate it.

gently explain *

ok.

escaping into fantasy and identifying as a cat are two separate things.

Hope it's not just me but the responses have made my day.

If i was the Mum i would say don't be an idiot. In your head yes pretend you're a cat if that helps. But No! It's not what we do.

Tell her to stop the fucking nonsense.

if she continues, give her a litter tray in the shed to shit in. She’ll soon stop.

jeez what the fuck is this world breeding

https://www.oursaferschools.co.uk/2023/04/24/furries/

This seems quite balanced, incase you haven’t already read it.

Thank you to everyone who has posted sensible advice.

I had a chat with her tonight. I gave her chance to explain what she liked about it, and also asked her a few questions about where she got the idea from. She said that she's always liked playing as a cat and that it makes her feel happy and free. She also said that she's seen people online who dress up, and that she felt like she could relate to them.

Then we talked a bit about what it means to identify as something, and how she can't really be a cat. I asked her whether it had something to do with wanting to escape from life, with everything that's been happening at home and her worries about growing up and going to secondary school. She agreed that maybe it was.

Then I said I'm going to explain what it is I don't like about it, and asked her if she knows what a furry is, because she mentioned that someone called her that. She gave a vague answer about it being someone who dresses up as an animal, so I said that it's a grown up sex thing, and that there are creepy weirdos in the world, both real and online, that I need to keep her safe from. I compared it to the online safety stuff she's learnt at school about grooming etc.

I put emphasis on the fact that she's not doing anything wrong, and that I'm angry at the creepy weirdos for ruining something innocent, and that I was sorry I had to share something so grown up with her to keep her safe. I told her that I'm more than happy for her to dress up and play as a cat at home, and that it's a totally normal thing for her to do, especially at the moment. But I told her that I can't allow her to dress up out of the house, or to watch any more videos on YouTube, or talk about 'identifying' as a cat.

She was fully accepting of this explanation, and was actually full of relief, because she thought that her dressing up was the problem and that I was embarrassed and disappointed in her. I gave her lots of reassurance that the problem wasn't her, the problem is the creepy weirdos. I just hope I haven't traumatised her with what I've told her.

Clearly we need to be cutting down on and monitoring her screen time a lot more closely. It's scary how insidious this stuff is. I thought we were doing everything right in terms of making sure she was safe online. I'm also going to make sure I'm talking to her a lot more regularly about the divorce and how she's feeling. I thought she was handling it well, because she always tells me she's fine whenever I ask how she's feeling, but perhaps not.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me articulate and navigate this. What a bloody minefield modern parenting is.

I swear I posted the same thing but my post has disappeared

Great minds @Floppyelf great minds.

Well done @Nocatsplease.
There are no easy answers to all this but it sounds as if you've done really well with that discussion. I feel so sorry for children today. Their innocent enjoyment of life is being tarnished and it means that parenting has to be more suspicious - especially online. There's so much evidence that the online world is not making children happy and is actually creating problems so I'm sure you're right to monitor and restrict it more closely.
Good luck.

What a great conversation, and a great foundation to move forward on.

Sounds you had a great conversation. Glad you were able to be honest with your daughter.

Well done. It sounds like you managed it really well. Hope your daughter feels better for being able to talk to you about it.

God help us, what a world. Where we are discussing weirdos and furries with 10 year olds.
Shouldn't they be camping, out playing sport, crafting, Guides. Something along those lines?

Good going there, OP.

Well done @Nocatsplease , sounds like you handled it really well.

I don't think you have traumatised her. Children need to know that while most adults are good people who would never harm a child, some are not, and you can't necessarily tell which is which, so you have to be cautious with strangers. (That's what I told mine, anyway, though luckily I never had to mention furries!)

Kudos, OP. I hope you always maintain such a lovely, honest and open relationship with your child, although I agree it's a great pity that this was a conversation you had to have with her in the first place.

Handled like a champ! 💐

Well done @Nocatsplease Couldn‘t think of a better response. And it is absolutely not your fault you had to speak honestly about the sexualized/pervy issue. That is 110% on adults targeting children with their sick fantasies.

It seems to be a Year 6 thing. Dgd and some of her friends did the buying cat masks, painting them I think and a sort of Alice band with ears. Everyone ignored it, including me when visiting. Fizzled out in 6 months.