How can I discourage DD10 from identifying as a cat

[Nocatsplease]

NC for this in case I get jumped on.

DD has just started year 6, and during the summer holidays she started pretending to be a cat. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, so at first I thought it was a bit of a childish regression as a response to all the changes, and just assumed it would fizzle out once she went back to school.

Unfortunately, she seems to have gone in the other direction with it, and is now saying she 'identifies' as a cat and spent some of her birthday money on a couple of masks and tails. Her dad and I have tried to mostly ignore and gently discourage it, but we've since become aware of the more sinister 'furry' connotations of this kind of thing. We're also both pretty GC, so we're definitely not happy about her 'identifying' as anything and want to put a stop to it. I've always had very frank conversations with her about how people may identify as different things, but it's not possible to change biology.

However, we have no idea how to explain it to her in terms she'll understand, and meanwhile she seems to be wanting to take it further and further. I'm also worried that if we give her a hard no, we'll end up pushing her even further in the other direction. I've already told her she's not allowed to dress up at school, and today while we were out another parent questioned her 'tail', which led to a conversation in which she told me that grown adults have called her 'furry' and growled at her in public.

That crosses a very clear line for me, so I ended up telling her that she's not to dress up in public any more because it's not appropriate for her age. The problem is she has NO IDEA of the more sinister connotations of what she's doing, so she doesn't understand what that means. She's currently in her room crying and saying she hates me and that I must be embarrassed and disappointed in her.

How can I explain it to her in a way she'll get and without having to bring sex into it?!

Tell her she has to be wormed right now and again in the future, and have flea treatment every four weeks. Then there are the necessary jabs.

Not sure I’d go as far as cat food for dinner, but maybe raw minced beef or a raw whole fish, and of course no sweets, chocolate, biscuits or crisps - all very bad for cats!

Not the most reliable news source but seems to be a thing.

www.thesun.co.uk/news/22801958/parents-teachers-warned-schoolkids-furries/

You tell her in an age appropriate way which is: that some adults see dressing up and play acting in this way beyond toddler hood as an invitation to violently abuse you, and as your parent I will stop you doing anything that puts you at risk of physical harm.

At home you can play as you see fit, but it doesn't happen outside because it is sending out adult messages that you're not mature enough to understand

I very, very nearly said exactly that on the way home in the car today but then second guessed myself that that might be a terribly inappropriate thing to say to a 10 year old. Hence posting this thread!

I think at 10 you can link the 'furry' comments she's had while out with her cat tail on with increased stranger danger, as there are some really weird people who start to think that they're really animals and could try to chase her if they're pretending to be dogs or take her to be their pet.

Maybe tell her that she was play cat dress up when she's at home if she wants, it's a normal game for a child, but is very strange for teenagers and adults to do, they're trying not to grow up. It might put her off, if she doesn't want to be childish or crazy.

Good luck!

Dumb phone
furry accessories in bin
and tell her firmly that this nonsense is not on.

Encourage something else- skating, choir, tennis, anything.

Age 3 is totally different to year 6.

But you told her that people do identify as other things! I'd have told her they do and they are lunatics ... seeking attention for something stupid instead of something they do which is 'good'.

Thankfully my two missed all this stuff growing up but if I had this dilemma I would have said something along the lines of there are some bad adults who like children thinking they’re animals you wouldn’t want them kidnapping you would you! But like you I was quite forthright. I’d actually have worded it as there’s pervs out there but I know that wouldn’t be everyone’s choice of words. They’re not ND though and it would have put an end to it.

Is it national furries month or something what’s with all these animal threads? That always start with ‘NC for this’ or ‘New here, please be gentle’ 🙄

Is she the only one doing this at her school? Is there a social contagion element to it? I suspect it's definitely linked to the divorce - it sounds like she's finding a way to avoid reality. In terms of what to say, I suggest telling her she can wear the bits and bobs at home but not in public because people might say odd things to her.

I'd sit her down, both of you if possible, and explain that she is a human girl. If she'd like to dress up at home she's welcome to, but out in public and at school anyone over 3 doesn't wear costumes unless it's Halloween. And yy to clubs etc.

I think that’s actually quite a good angle - that they could become a stranger’s pet cat. It could jolt them without giving them nightmares.

I've been on Mumsnet for a decade, since DD was a baby. I was just a bit worried in case I got jumped on by furry supporters or something. And also didn't particularly want DD's dad knowing my usual username, I told him I was going to post for advice.

And tinned cat food in a bowl for lunch

This is where some kids are getting it from. Hearsay and rumours in the conversation of the adults around them.

It’s self-fulfilling

Give her Dreamies instead of sweets.
That'll larn her.

It's such a difficult thing to navigate but perhaps you're right.

Give her cat food for every meal, and if she's hungry, put her out of the door and tell her to go and catch some mice. She'll soon change her mind.

I’d laugh and tell her how funny she is being.
Treat it as ludicrous as it is. Please please don’t allow her to pursue this and go to school as a cat. This will follow her for life if you do.
Kids do some dumb shit which is why they, for example, can’t drive or vote. This is nothing more than utter childishness mixed in with the wacky external influences prevalent in 2024.

We have previously discussed sex - that it is for adults etc and we have discussed 'tricky' adults. He likes to game online with real life friends but in preparation for that we had loads of discussions about grooming, scams and general online safety. He was watching gaming videos on YouTube and there was enough references to furries for it to enter his vocab. He said something in passing about furries so I just explained it has sexual connotations. I also explained that it may appear innocent to start with but is used to groom kids by tricky adults. He understood it was dangerous and avoids creators discussing it.

Sometimes being gentle doesn’t cut the mustard.
”DD, stop pretending you're a cat, everyone’s going to laugh at you”
Don’t use the term ‘identify’ as it has very dubious connotations.

She’s likely doing it as changes in her life are overwhelming her - so she’s escaping them. She’s not linking it to the weird sex furries, it’s still just make believe at her age.

However, she needs to understand that she’s not a cat and can’t ‘identify’ as one unless she’s got mental issues. And if she does have mental issues she would need treatment not to have delusions reinforced. Be strict that reality matters.

I’d remove all internet access because that’s likely where this is coming from. Ten year olds don’t need to be on it unsupervised anyway.

also look closely at her friend group and her school. Are either pushing this nonsense? if yes, work to remove that influence from her.

No, I've already told her that it's absolutely not happening at school and also now told her that she's not to wear tails etc in public any more. I was more looking for a way to explain my reasoning to her in terms she'll understand. I do normally prefer the frank and straightforward approach, but I'm doubting myself on this for some reason. It's just so sinister and sordid.