End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

Far too early. Is the 11 yo actually tired. I’ve an 11 yo just started year 7, lots of after school stuff. She’s ready for bed at 930 ish and wakes naturally at 630/645.

weve never had set bed times as she’s learnt to go to bed when she’s tired.

Way too early, and quite frankly it's not actually encouraging them to make friends or take part in social activities, is it? I mean if they did go out they would have to tell their friends that they had to go home to bed! Can you imagine the embarrassment?
At that age the most I did was holler up the stairs to check if either wanted a shower before I went to bed. They need to be more independent and sort out their own shower, bedtime routine and bedtime. They aren't being encouraged to be independent, at present.

Honestly I don't know why they think it's too early for bed time I think it's reasonable. I myself was always sent to bed at that time we would watch Emmerdale and then go to bed straight after. Rather have an early bedtime and be able to get up in the morning than going to bed late and moan about not being able to get up. My 1 year old goes to bed about 6.30/7pm because thats the time he starts to get tired.

I myself struggle to fall asleep straight away so I just sit on my phone playing a game or chatting with friends on messenger until I fall asleep. It's up to you what time the kids go to bed not the Karen's saying it's too early.

So her kids have to just lie there in the dark staring at the ceiling because their bedtime is far too early for their age, all because "you yourself" have appalling sleep hygiene and are on your phone until you fall asleep?

Great advice.

@Alitri you don’t seem to have taken the context from the situation or truly understood it, you have just applied your own personal circumstance. The 11 and 14 year old are not falling asleep at their set bed time (because they are not tired). They are also not reading or playing games or chatting with friends until they get tired, they are ‘lying there for ages’. Or, if mum is home, they are getting out of bed looking for attention. Not normal behaviour for an 11 year old who should be allowed read or draw or listen to an audiobook, rather than need mum to come put her back to bed. Having to lie there in the dark at 7.30pm is boring, not stimulating, and a bit cruel to be honest. They get next to no evening time because dad doesn’t want them downstairs.

The kids in my estate from 6 upwards are out playing in spring/summer/autumn until it gets dark, up to around 10pm sometimes. These girls must feel so isolated.

@loropianalover I agree it's a shame they don't have any social activities or friends. I was similar at that age and it's depressing and lonely. I wasn't forced to go to bed super early at least.

Ridiculous.

My 11 year old goes to sleep at 10pm.

I agree that their bedtimes do seem early for their ages (although not crazily so but it seems that they just aren't that tired) - but I don't agree that you 'putting them to bed' is anything you're doing wrong. If both you and they are happy to do it, and you're getting some quality time with them at the end of the day then I say carry on! When they start wanting to be left to their own devices then you can say a time they need to be in their rooms and leave them to it, but until then enjoy your relationship with them. No one writes the rules for you, do what works for you.

Instead of going up with the 11yo at 7, can she and DD14 stay downstairs doing calm activities, reading etc - without your direct input but you still around. And then, say 8:30/9 ish, you take her up and tuck her in, then follow with your DD14 an hour or so later?

@Alitri do you think your 1 year old DS who goes to bed at 7pm is still going to do that at 11 years old?

OPs daughters aren't doing quiet activities they are sent upstairs out of sight and expected to go to sleep. They should be having an evening whatever that entails. That may well be up in their rooms but they should be reading, crafting, listening quietly to music, watching appropriate TV, or playing boardgames or doing homework not in bed because dad wants his evenings to himself.

They are going to bed to early. Why the hell are you putting them to bed and reading to them. They aren't baby's. Sounds creepy.

They are going to bed to early. Why the hell are you putting them to bed and reading to them. They aren't baby's. Sounds creepy.

Does hubby not like the children?
Y r they going to bed so early, they rnt babies?
No wonder they can’t get to sleep.

Ah the wisdom about teenagers from someone with a one year old.

And the misogynistic slur to boot.

Well done.

My children, so my rules… obviously everyone is different.
12 year old 10pm
8 year old 9pm
6 year old 8 pm
4 year old 7 pm
all 4 children are up and ready for the day at 7:30 am.

How did you get on tonight, op?
Hopefully the later bed times will help.

"The Karen's"? Hmm...instead of chatting on messenger when you go to bed, perhaps you could put that time to good use by educating yourself on how to use apostrophes so you don't make yourself look stupid!

Kids same age here.
School nights are supper at 9, lights out 10.

Weekend supper 10, lights out 11 (or a bit later depending if plans next day). They even complain this is too early

The poster may be a greengrocer, Candy.

Sitting on a phone sounds uncomfortable.

You really should not call people, "Karens", it's horrible.

Please don't sit on your phone, you might lose it.

Reported for your disgusting use of a woman’s name.

Wow that’s so early. My 14 year goes to bed about 10pm later on a weekend. I don’t involve myself in her bedtime anymore, she has her own routine she likes doing.

By 11yo and 14yo, I think you send them up around 8ish and tell them to read until 9. Then you go up say goodnight and make sure lights are off.

I also have an 11 and 14 year old and they go to bed at the same time, lying down at 9.30. I read with the 11 year old (he reads to me) and the 14 year old reads by himself. They have to be up early though, 5.50/6.00 three times a week so they are tired at this time. At the weekends they go at 10 ish.

Oh thank goodness for this thread and the news it's not just my 14 yo DD who doesn't turn her lights off until 10:30-11pm on a regular basis.

I feel much better now!

DM thought it was a virtue to have early bedtimes. I see no virtue in being stuck in a dark room for 2 hours plus being banned from doing anything, waiting for tiredness and sleep to happen. I remember listening to the theme tunes of the TV programmes marking the passing of time from The Bill around 8pm, the 9pm dramas and the News at 10 bongs. Then I had to tiptoe around quietly in the extra time that I naturally woke up early anyway and not disturb her.
I often secretly read but would be bollocked if caught reading by the streetlight or cracks of light and told that I'd ruin my eyesight.

It was about her wants not my needs, and then she wondered why I was reluctant to go to bed on time.

My 11yo goes out to Scouts at 7:30pm and finishes at 9. Even Cubs from 8-10yo was 6:30 to 8pm. We're not back from swimming before 8pm either.

DM still moans on that my DCs have "no bedtime" they do, but it's in tune with their sleep needs and practical lifestyle not some arbitary time. She never grasped logistics like finishing work/ picking up from nursery then having to eat then do bedtime routines. Random 7pm bedtimes never were viable. The DCs' bedtimes have naturally evolved with their sleep needs and lifestyle.

There's resons why I don't phone her often.
The latest gem (in addition to a repeat of the bedtimes critique) was telling me that I should not go running on my own. I'm in my 40s FFS, I've been running for over a decade incident free and no fucking way am I giving up a healthy hobby for one of her stupid misogynistic ideas (because it's inherently dangerous for a female to be running around on her own- tbh I'm in more danger of spraining my eyeball by rolling it too hard).

Excessively controlling parents are not cool, and being a quietly compliant child to their abstract notions is not a healthy foundation to develop towards adulthood. OP needs to loosen up for the benefit of her children and their future relationship.