End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

Sorry, I've just read that they are up at 6:30. You're expecting an 11yo to sleep for 11 hours. That's just unreasonable. If 14yo chooses to sleep that much then that's her choice but it's not normal. Have you thought about getting her iron levels checked?

My 2 year old goes to bed at 7.30-8pm. you are creating so much fuss around bedtime. They can have the same bedtime at that age. Just tell them they have to be in bed by 9 and they can sort themselves out. Your husband has unrealistic expectations. Show him this thread. If he won't agree then you have bigger problems because that seems quite controlling.

My 10yo has ADHD and won't go to sleep. He's in bed by 8-830 on a non club night otherwise I'm lucky to get him in bed by 9/9.30. Often running around at 10.30/11. Drives me nuts.

14yo has to go up 9 ish and asleep by 10 although now moved to explorer scouts til 9 bleeding 30 so not much hope of bed before 1030. Has to be in bed by 1030/11 on a weekend and 930/10 in the week cause he gets up early.

My 7 and 3yo go to bed at about 8.30.

Think you are getting played. They need to learn to unwind/put themselves to bed/occupy themselves. Clever girls getting to stay up….!

well said

It seems very early. The 11 year old might need some guidance but for the 14 year old I would leave her be. She can go to bed when she’s tired as long as abides by any screen rules. Obviously she needs to be in her room by the time you go to bed and have showered/done homework too

You are treating them like babies. They just don’t need that much sleep!

Cant’t you see that sending them to their rooms too early, and making them sit in the dark, is like a punishment, when they’ve done nothing wrong.

It is a part of having older kids that they are around late into the evening. You cant just lock them in the darkness because you don’t want to hang around with them, or them to watch telly!

Insane.

Are there other factors that have not been shared such as any additional needs/mental health problems?

It sounds like they're getting babied and also are going to bed far too early! When did all of this sitting with them start, or did it just not stop from younger years? It probably isn't helpful for them. I

This is actually really sad. I have an older DD (17) and 2 little ones (7 and 5) obviously my oldest is older than yours but I really value my evenings with her, we watch something together, chat, sometimes we take turns making dinner, I help her with homework if she needs it. She takes herself to bed when she’s ready, which is sometimes after I go to bed.
The younger 2 read their school books with me downstairs, at about 7pm, watch an episode of Bluey each and go and brush their teeth, they call me when they’ve brushed their teeth and I go up and give them a cuddle and we have chat, they then read until 8-8:30 when I go and turn their light off.
For the sake of your DDs, let them regulate their own bedtimes , spend some time together in the evenings!

Have an 12 yr old. She is in bed at (roughly) 1945, lights out at 20.30. If your child isn't going down at the time you are doing, I would push it out, this works for us and my daughter does go to sleep at this time more often than not. However if it stops working, then I would and will stretch it out to later

@BadBedtimeCrew, I still 'put' my daughter to bed (to much pisstaking from my sister though 🤣) and I won't stop until they want to, I really enjoy that 45 minutes of time in a chilled environment,ent spending time and will continue to do it until I'm told thanks but I'd rather not, so I wouldn't let anyone out your routine off, maybe just the time though

Please show your controlling DH this thread as well.

It does seem your DH is quite uptight/controlling and perhaps struggling to accept that your kids are now, or soon will be (now 11yo at secondary), young adults. It’s no wonder it’s causing conflict. Does your DH expect anything of you as well or respect you to do your own thing?

What else are you both strict about? Does your 14 year old not want to socialise with her friends in the evenings? Either IRL on online? How strict are you with phones, having a screen in their room etc? Do they get about on their own or do you take them everywhere?

IMHO the whole crux of parenting is gradually letting go and encouraging kids to be independent and take responsibility for themselves. My DSs were shocked how childlike some people were at uni. They’d drink til they passed out and ambulances would have to be called and all sorts, blow all their money, unsafe sex etc, because they hadn’t been used to being without a parent controlling their behaviour or pandering to their every need. They couldn’t cook or anything. Whereas my DS’s were making meals for themselves, and going out and about on their own (sometimes getting home pretty late at weekends) from about 14-15, so were completely independent and felt pretty old by 18.

I’ve never ‘told’ them what to do or not do once teenagers (sleep, sex, booze, drugs etc). I’ve just drummed into them how to be sensible, safe, healthy and respectful to others, so they (metaphorically) hear my voice in their ear at moments that could be risky. Like, if they’re out late, I’ll message “What time are you leaving to come home?” rather than “Get home now it’s past 11”.

@EdithBond this sounds like great parenting. I hope I can be like that with my ds when he's older!

I hope the OP is reading and taking note. It's bordering on abuse. I am the teenager in this scenario and I've never had a close relationship with my parents. At 39 I think they still think I'm a child. I live 500 miles away and see them once or twice a year.

Thank you 🙏. Wouldn’t want to give the impression it’s been easy! It’s tough adapting to them being teenagers. And being a lone parent to 3 DSs has certainly had its moments! Like most parents, I constantly question myself, feel guilty, worry if they’re OK, have had to deal with disrespectful and aggressive behaviour, times their mental health hasn’t been great etc.

And everyone’s different. Would be a horrible world if we were all the same. I was pretty wild at 14, but thankfully always had a sensible button. So it’s probably easier for me to trust my kids to do the same. As it is when you have a baby, other people’s ways of doing things can be helpful to get a perspective and ideas, but we all ultimately have to decide what feels comfortable for us and our own families.

Too early and too controlling.

We take my 4yo up for stories and chat at 8pm and then lights out at 9. Then she's up at 7:30am.

Can you not see that the terminology you are using ie going down is a term used when talking about babies . If someone asked an adult what time they went to bed they wouldn’t say ‘I go down at 11 pm’ .

Tbh at those ages I'd expect them to be putting themselves to bed. My son is 11 and it's lights out by 9 on a school night around 10 at the weekend. I go in around 8.30 to say goodnight and he sorts himself out.
My 14 year old daughter again I go in to say goodnight when I go to bed and she sorts herself out.
My 9 year old goes to bed at 7 on a school night and 8 at the weekend. I tuck her into bed and she reads for 5 minutes then goes to sleep.

On another note I'd just like to add what a lovely mum you must be and your girls are lucky to be so loved. I think it's great you've sought advice and listened. I fully believe you'll address this and everything will work out. Well done. All the best

I mean... it sounds like she passively lets her weird DH control the household and force her kids to go to bed at insane times. That's not lovely.

’going down’ ‘push it out’??! Ffs she’s 12 not 12 months! Give your head a wobble

I must've missed that part. You're right, that is completely unacceptable. He has no right to micro manage everything. It seems like OP is trying to sort things and I hope that with the support on here confirming change is necessary she can stand up to him.