Anyone else’s parents refuse to spend on food and heating even though they’ve got loads of money?

[mariavontarp]

Wondering if it’s just a quirk of my mum’s, or a generational thing.

She is in a great position. Been mortgage free since the early 90s, generous pension and savings. She will spend £££ on theatre trips, home decoration and getting the garden done, but absolutely refuses to put the heating on and insists on eating manky jars of chutney from 2018 rather than “waste” it. It drives me wild that she turns off the plug socket behind the TV every night to “save energy” but will happily spend hours ironing teatowels and socks!!

Is it just my mum that has baffling priorities?

Agree @Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g. Even during the 1970s when I grew up there was a 'make do and mend' attitude but then my parents had to be like that as they had little money. Same with my inlaws. Their frugality has passed down to me and my husband and I'm thankful for that because it got us through some very difficult times. Now we have a bit more cash to spend on ourselves but its an odd feeling when you're not used to spending money on yourself. We all live differently and we are all influenced by our upbringings so obviously our priorities are going to differ even as we age. I remember my elderly nan not engaging with this sort of stuff; she lost interest in her later years which frustrated my dad a lot. I hope my DC will respect how I live as I get older and not get impatient with me, if/when I get like my nan.

My mum spends hundreds of pounds on products if they give a free sample of something - she never uses the product or the sample.
But she doesn't buy enough food to give my kids breakfast when they stay overnight.

Well, I don't know if she had a healthy old age or more similar to that of my smoker Grandfather - lived into his 80s but had an awful hacking cough from age 50 onwards, obstructive lung disease, narrowed blood vessels and a resulting stroke.
Any woodburner aggravates my son's asthma.

So when someone does it to themselves for warmth day in-day out when there is an alternative, I doubt their decision making is rational.

There are smokeless live fire options (such as the Swedish kakelung that my Great Grandmother cohabited with until her 104 years of age) but open fires and soot covered house is... Stupid. I don't care if it affects anyone else - it's a very real health risk for no real reason.

I have strong opinions about people not being allowed to make their own decisions based on “they’re older than me”, unless there are serious doubts about their capacity and steps being taken to address that. We’ll all be old too, and probably have those younger than us sneering at our choices because we had the audacity to be born at an earlier point in history, and make our decisions based on that life experience.

On any basis really.

i’m in the middle of a case where an elderly person’s son decided they weren’t managing their money properly. Took their bank cards, decided what they could spend on and what they couldn’t.

he’s under investigation for financial abuse. His defence was he was looking after them, but they had an extremely good pension and so what if they wanted to buy stuff that was an extravagance or “unnecessary”. That’s their decision.

if a husband did this to his wife, she could only buy what he thought she should, that would be financial abuse as well.

@Howmanyusernames123 thank you- I’ve worked with older people for a long time and the amount of pressure and scorn placed on some of them for making decisions that don’t aline with the opinions of their families is truly upsetting at times.

That's concerning and highlights the vulnerability of elderly people to abuse. We had a family row over my BIL judging my late FILs eating habits (this wasn't abuse) but it was my BIL's lack of respect for my FIL's decision-making that upset the rest of the family. So what, if he ate just canned or ready made food; he didn't need a lot of food and was sustained by it. I don't know what it is with some people; they seem to see the elderly in a different light and treat them like they're babies or incapable, even if they're not. We eventually had words with my BIL and he backed off.

@Howmanyusernames123 that is really shit unless it was being used to give money to scammers etc- in which case I admit I would intervene- if it's just some greedy bugger who didn't like the fact his parents were taking cruises or shopping at Waitrose and he's worried about his inheritance then he's an arse!!

I'm an oldie compared to most of you and understand the being frugal thing as I do that myself! Not to excess but I do hate waste. I draw the line though at being cold or not having nice food.
I do think many older people have this viewpoint and suspect this is why the Winter Fuel Payment withdrawal has caused so much fuss. Whilst some people will struggle, most of those complaining will not be short of money and will often have substantial assets but they don't like to spend them

It's up to her.

My mum started this malarkey, so generous but wouldn't heat her house. So bad for health to live in a cold house with, in her case, lung issues (mould etc). She didn't know of the dangers and now keeps a constant heat.

Feel for those who can't afford to heat their homes, and those who deprive themselves for no good reason.

I grew up in the 1960s and it was the same. Now we have oodles of money (military pension) but I swither about spending it if it's not necessary. Trying to buy myself a small nonessential thing each a month but it's a struggle.

My elderly parents do keep the house warm and eat fairly well and still run a car, so not so worried there.

I think as well it's a mindset that is just 'different' to what many of us have today - I give you the example of an 87 year old male relative- many hundreds of thousands in bank, never married, never had kids, lives in a really grim flat and whilst me and you may get a buzz from a nice holiday, nice warm home , good food, meals out he gets a buzz from constantly spending as little as he can and checking his investments daily and gets a buzz when they are on the rise or his interest payments go in . He tells my FIL as such ( his brother) - it's very odd behaviour 'to me' but perfectly normal to him . I don't get it - but then again he doesn't get why we have 3 holidays a year etc

Same here. Grew up in the 60s. Don't have oodles of money, but don't have to worry about how to pay the gas bill either.

I still have guilt about spending money though and it can make me feel anxious. However, I have learned to overcome it to an extent!

We rarely put the heating on but do if our children return home or we have guests staying.

We have an Aga in the kitchen and I'm happy to wear extra layers. We're not short of money but it just seems wasteful to heat a big house just for the two of us.

My grandma was sort of like this, but she didn't spend money on anything. My Dad and Uncle both were malnourished and didn't grow properly because she didn't feed them enough or allow them snacks, they had health problems as adults because of this. She never put the heating on. My Dad had pet mice as a child, and she believed one of them was pregnant and it would cost money to keep more mice, so she gassed them in the oven. After she died, my Mum read about OCPD which can manifest as obsessive frugality, so we wonder if she had that.

It seems like oodles after years of having not much! Probably less than average MN income though.

My MIL has, I suspect based on things she's read on Facebook etc, become convinced that as a pensioner it's only a matter of time before she has to choose between heating and eating. She has turned down her heating, stopped using the tumble dryer (other than occasionally drying her towel to make it fluffy 'as a treat') and freezes event the smallest amount of leftovers/bread etc. Also based on what she's heard from social media and friends etc she has bought several indoor clothes drying gadgets, huge blankets for every room, thicker curtains and an air fryer. Her heating is very economical anyway so I'm convinced that she has spent more in energy saving gadgets than she will ever save using them. And she could easily afford it even if her bills were to double.

Clearly she can spend her money as she sees fit, but it does concern me that she seems genuinely worried about her heating bills with no real reason. She is, however, another one who is 'disgusted' at the idea of the winter fuel allowance being means tested despite the fact that she and her friends used theirs to pay for trips away.

I work for a charity for older people and regularly have callers saying they can't manage on their income. When we do a benefit check for them they have like 60/70K in the bank ( just one example from today ). I appreciate they are on a fixed income but so fed up of them pleading poverty when they often have so much in savings and own their own homes etc. I think they just get anxious as they are on a fixed income.

I fall into this type alas.
Grew up with coal fires, ice inside the windows, no central heating, no food waste.
My heating goes on end of October, house never above 10 degrees.
Bedroom has been as low as 5 degrees.
I sit in dark rooms by choice, easier on my eyes.
I’m aware it’s bad for my health, my lungs wheeze.
(Yet I take ridiculous, (outrageous even) numbers of holidays)

My parents were born before & during the war (even though I'm only 40!) and rationing went on for 8 years after it. So it was/is embedded in them both to ration fuel & food. My mum remembers "Don't burn both bars of your electric heater! Don't you want to win this war?"
The house she grew up in had a fire in and that was that. No heating. To this day she doesn't use it and walks around with jumpers & a gilet or jacket on inside the house. Has a fire in the living room of course which she uses for an hour each night on low. Even when she boils things, she does it on number 4 instead of number 6 on the hob!

@BreastClinic
Yes, it is up to the person whether they eat sufficiently or keep their home heated.

But it might be worrying that there is clearly a cognitive issue at play - the inability to understand that they actually can afford heating or food or repairs to glasses or the oven or new false teeth, etc.

And if someone serves cold beans or stale bread or tea made with a tea bag on its tenth go around, in a house where you'd get frostbite if you took off your coat, and then complains that nobody ever visits or they never see the grandchildren, you can feel a bit frustrated as you've told them umpteen times how miserable their home is and that it doesnt have to be like that - and that frustration is OK too.

I was born in the 60s and would rather spend money on daily comfort than big ticket items. My DPs did the Make Do and Mend thing to the Nth degree when I was a child, and I promised myself when I left home that I would never again feel cold indoors in winter while wearing winter clothes, so I haven't.

Earlier this year I went through DM's drawer o' crap and got rid of nearly everything she had squirreled away there for fifty years "because it might come in handy some time". You can take that sort of thing too far. She now has a drawer that contains things she actually needs and uses.

I have a feeling a lot of OH's would be far more supportive of tumble drying if they were the ones doing laundry five times a week.

My grandad definitely doesn't live like this. He'll only do the food shop at M&S, no Aldi for him 😂
(Went with grandad instead of mum as my mum is in her 50s so probably younger than the generation you mean)