Anyone else’s parents refuse to spend on food and heating even though they’ve got loads of money?

[mariavontarp]

Wondering if it’s just a quirk of my mum’s, or a generational thing.

She is in a great position. Been mortgage free since the early 90s, generous pension and savings. She will spend £££ on theatre trips, home decoration and getting the garden done, but absolutely refuses to put the heating on and insists on eating manky jars of chutney from 2018 rather than “waste” it. It drives me wild that she turns off the plug socket behind the TV every night to “save energy” but will happily spend hours ironing teatowels and socks!!

Is it just my mum that has baffling priorities?

I’m in my 40s and have always been like this! I’d prefer to spend my money on stuff I enjoy, If I can put a jumper and dressing gown on instead of the heating I will, my children are now the same! Maybe your Mum finds ironing therapeutic. Chutney is a preserve so if it looked and smelled fine I wouldn’t even check the date, I made some a few years ago and it’ll only be ready to eat this Christmas. Food in my fridge wouldn’t last as long as your Mum’s though 😂 I turn everything off at the socket but I do get worried about fires, have since I gave birth.

Leave your parents alone to choose how they want to spend their money! Keeping the heating low is much better for the environment, as is being frugal about food waste. I know a couple of relatively young dedicated eco-warrior/save the planet evangelists and one drives a huge diesel car, and the other is constantly flying overseas for holidays - even though both keep their heating very low and are smug about it. We are all inconsistent in our life choices. The judgement towards older people in particular on Mumsnet is not nice at all.

My DM is 88. She's widowed but has loads of money in the bank. She's ok with food and heating, but it's more things like her garden is getting overgrown and messy; the outside walls have badly cracked render etc. she could easily afford to have someone come in to fix things, and knows how to find reputable tradespeople, but she'd rather sit and moan about stuff and expects me and my brother to do all the DIY and gardening. Brother lives hours away and can't get up too often. I'm local, but I'm recently widowed and have my own house and garden to manage, as well as osteoarthritis that prevents me doing stuff I want to. I do encourage her to get stuff done but she'll just say "yes, I must ring (tradesman she knows) and then doesn't do it.

Absolutely agree. I'm early fifties, as is my wife - we don't yet have the heating on. I'm still sitting here in 3/4 trousers and a t-shirt! We were used to growing up in houses with no central heating, so we don't think it's anywhere near cold enough to put it on yet. I think it's just what you're used to. We know someone younger than us who did grow up with central heating... and she has the heating on even during the summer!

My mum and dad live very comfortably but definitely have vestiges of their childhoods, which were relatively poor. I just find it quirky and quite endearing rather than annoying. It’s their money, if they’re happy so am I.

My boomer parents drive me mad with money. Divorced years ago, remarried. Dad has golden plated NHS pension of £90k which he 'is unable to spend'. This makes him frustrated. Mum has 'too much cash' and is currently liable for around £160k IHT if she pops her clogs. Oh well she says.
They have 4 kids...I have 2 DC...I'd never ask for anything as I'm too proud but inside I'm screaming.

Well my parents are nothing like this. They are in their late 70s. Their house is always a comfortable temperature, and their shopping bills, I expect, put my far from thrifty approach to shame! Between the local farm shop, the fishmonger, the wine merchant, the cheese specialist and the Waitrose delivery I sometimes wonder how they have time to go out for lunch as often as they do 🤣

Somewhat bizarrely I've enjoyed reading this thread, as parts reminded me of my own dear Mum, who died many years ago. She was into saving and getting the best deal (not to the point of never having the heating on though); but then would enjoy planning various holidays etc.

Back in the day, you could get cheap theatre tickets from a booth in Leicester Square for that days' matinee - she'd take full advantage of that.

My parents will go to the supermarket and buy £50 worth of ‘yellow sticker’ items, most of which will end up in the bin but they wouldn’t buy even one of those items full price because ‘too expensive’, they’ll also drive somewhere 2 hours away for a day out because they know somewhere they can park for free but have never once been to the National Trust property a 5 minute walk from the house they’ve lived in for 30 years because they won’t pay the entrance fee. They’ve got pots of money but are obsessed with only buying things at a discount.

i have no idea how much money my dm has
she has the responsibility of her house and a minute pension, she eats like a bird but likes to shop at waitrose, she helped with my dc while i worked and consequently has a good relationship with them

i dont understand posters who seem to expect handouts for their life choices as adults. you wanted children, you pay for them!

I'm not sure that starting poor and experiencing the was makes much difference tbh: MIL and mother are both 88.

Mother was pretty much the original "It" girl. Three husband's, clothes, parties, holidays - the archetypal good time. She has the heating on and food was always fab. I was never materially stinted. She may have worked her way through some hefty funds though.

MIL and FIL were very proper and very mean despite having good jobs. MIL's house is a monument to 1959. Money was always tight and had to be eked out. DH and his sisters remember being hungry because their parents were so mean with food - sharing a bloody 99 between three taking turns for licks. In the mid noughties the heating was condemned and the whole house had to be rewired and replumbed. It cost £25k and dh's sister rang to say we would all have to club together. Fortunately MIL and FIL said it wasn't a problem and they had enough saved.

When FIL died a few years later, there was £1 million in the bank. I always thought it odd that people with good jobs had so little money.

MIL has the heating on. They always did and when they were on their own, they didn't stint with food- everything was from M&S although they'd never have had a treat.

Regarding some of the comments on the thread, we have the heating ticking over low and zoned and do turn it down if we have a fire going and put on a jumper, etc. I thought that was normal and sustainable behaviour.

My dad just keeps one room warm constantly. The rest of the house is freezing. Will put the heating on for one hour at a time if he has guest's (me). It doesn't make the house any warmer lol

I’m NC with my family now (for unrelated reasons), but mine were mortgage free, were earning about £200k a year when working, now retired and pension is like £6000 per month combined. And they would spend weeks, WEEKS, agonising over booking flights to visit me trying to get them £200 cheaper (they live abroad), and would end up booking the one with 3 connections and them bitch to me when inevitably one leg would have a delay and they’d miss a flight. 🙈

Yes, this is me! My mum married at the beginning of WWII and was always careful with money despite being married to a doctor.

I'm the same. Also save water. I often eat 'out of date' food to the disgust of my partner who grew up in a very working class environment.

If it suits your mum, why worry?

My grandparents were like this. When they died they had 100000's in the bank, but when we visited it was always freezing, as grandad refused to put the heating on, and I also remember their towels were so thin and had holes in them. I'm all for having a rainy day fund, but if you've got over £250000 in the bank surely you can put the heating on and have towels without holes in them .

I’m 40ish and I grew up in a country that doesn’t need heating , lived in uk for over 10 years and i never turn it on unless it’s absolutely freezing as I hate the stuffy air! I just wear more clothes at home.

Neither DM or my PiL (all early 80s) will waste a single morsel of food. This means small portions and filling up on fruit and bread.

DM's catchphrase is "it'll come back as soup!".

I get it. They all lived with rationing for the first 10 years of their lives.

With the heating... again all grew up without it and consider it to be a luxury.

Perhaps your parents value peace of mind and security over comfort. Don't underestimate how scary it is to be getting older when social care and the NHS are falling to bits.

Perhaps their standards for both are different to yours.

There must be many instances of parents making sacrifices to give their children the comfortable life that they never had. Quite likely those sacrifices won't be obvious to the children, or will even be deliberately concealed. The children grow up thinking that their level of comfort is normal. The parents on the other hand get used to doing without and making do.

I think also. DM and my PiL are all at least 10 years older than their own parents were when they died, and they have a certain amount of nervousness about how long their money needs to last.

Yes Fil, wont spend on anything, wears clothes with holes in and recently had a fall because his shoes were so old they had lost all the tread on the sole and become slippy. Has thousands in savings which he wont touch.

My mum on the other hand happily spent her savings before she died bless her, she had the heating on all the time,all her food was from M&S, and she loved clothes, shoes and handbags. Good on her!

Parents and parents in-law all similar. They hate waste and are very frugal with food/heating/ electricity although they love nice clothes and expensive holidays! Good pensions but grew up in relative poverty and were never high earners. Both mums had part time jobs and did all the child rearing... Managed the strikes in 70s and the high inflation period in 80s when mortgage payments were astronomical... A lifetime of keeping costs down and making do has led to ingrained habits which they don't even consider. Now they worry about paying for care as they age and being able to leave something behind for the kids...

My grandparents were like this and it drove my mum mad. My mum used to say 'I'll never get like that but if I ever do, tell me.'

Fast forward a few years and my mum turned out like it as well. I did tell her and she didn't take it well. There's nothing you can do. I don't have any contact with my mum now as she was abusive but when I did, after I'd mentioned it to her, I just left her to it. If they want to freeze and eat crap, it's their problem.

It's the way you were brought up in the 60s. Even minor stuff was ironed and power sockets were switched off/unplugged. It was more to do with keeping safe than economy. Plugged in, but unused, electrical appliances were seriously seen as a fire hazard.

Plus as the children of those who went through the War food waste was the ultimate sin.

It's upbringing. Not "illogical".

My dad has needed a pair of new hips for several years. He refused to have it done when offered and struggled in for another year before admitting defeat. He has the means to pay for it privately and has been a mess for the last 2 yrs awaiting the first surgery.

Now he's had one hip done, the other is imminent and he's dropped £30k on a brand new car. 🙄

Have some empathy. It's her life, her money. And you'll be old one day and you won't appreciate your kids telling you how to live.