How the heck are we supposed to sleep if newborn won’t go in a crib?

[PBQ123]

I’ve been awake for coming up to 48 hours straight now. Newborn won’t go into a crib. Will stay there for ten mins then cry. Swaddling doesn’t work. So only option is to hold to sleep. We are so tired neither of us can be trusted to do this without falling asleep ourselves. I am EBF but this isn’t going to work is it. What are you supposed to do? Naively bought a Next to Me and Moses basket assuming baby would be happy to go in them. We haven’t even left the hospital yet though and it’s clear they were a waste of money.

My baby hated swaddling. Once yours has been well fed, I recommend lying on your side in the safe cosleeping position and letting him suck (as I find they can't feed that well lying down when tiny) to sleep and snuggle close to you.

My DD was like this and our first night at home was terrible but within a week she was going to sleep happily in her Moses basket after every feed. Don't lose hope. You'll get there.

What did you do to get her to go in it?

In hospital I slept for an hour here or there with my first while Dh sat with baby on his chest. No way was he going into a crib. There's nothing wrong with half sitting and baby curled on your tummy or chest if properly supported with cushions. That's what I did the second time, I'd learned the hard way.

Nothing you can do about the noise but do ask for ear plugs, it will take the edge off.

On thing I learned during new born years is a rest is nearly the same as a sleep. If you are frustrated at not sleeping you get stressed and then too stressed to sleep, especially if you only have a short time, it becomes a pressure. So don't necessarily plan to sleep or even try, just try to enjoy a rest as it comes. An hours doze isn't the same as a deep sleep but it's still much more beneficial than nothing. And sometimes it will turn into a sleep.

If baby won't settle at home it's ok to sleep with them, it's not a start as you mean to go on thing, they have no memory yet and you need to recover from birth. In a few days you can start worrying about putting them down on their back etc.

I just kept putting her in there. If I knew that she was well fed, that I'd winded her and that she had a dry nappy I would let her have a little grumble about me putting her down. I was having to express milk to try to encourage my milk supply so I had to put her down to do that. I would talk to her as I put her down in the Moses basket which was next to my bed and keep talking while she settled so she knew I was there. I was sitting on my bed expressing and could rock the basket a bit. I think the rhythmic sound of the breast pump was also soothing. I also often had the radio on (classical music) as I needed something to listen to for my sanity and I think she maybe was helped by this background sound as well.

I can hear how desperate you feel and it's really brought back how tough these few days are. Sending so much positive thought in your direction.

Babies are born designed to sleep with their mothers - they don't know they're supposed to sleep in a cot.
Some will agree to it but most won't!

When I had my 2nd/3rd child I needed to prioritise sleep - so DH went in the spare room and I slept and breastfed lying down with the baby.

My first was a nightmare and never settled unless he was held. It wasn't safe but I ended up sleeping upright with him on my chest and I was propped up with firm cushions. For 7 weeks. Then he would sleep beside me safely but he never once used his bedside crib! Co slept til he was 2 then spent at least half the night beside me until he was 3.5!

My second slept so well from the minute he was born. I still remember the feeling of utter amazement that he stayed asleep when I put him down in his bassinet as we had never been able to do that with DC1. Slept 5 hours in one go from the day we brought him home, settled so well. He hasn't once slept in bed beside me unless he's been ill. All babies are different, but I totally understand the feeling of thinking you will never sleep again...I promise you will. You get used to the cat naps and eventually you'll get longer stretches. Until then you tag team and try to survive!

I recommend a white noise machine, I still use it now my youngest is 2 and we all find it really soothing.

Have you tried a dummy? (Ignore those who say don’t- for some like us they were the only thing between zero and 20% sleep.

I'm another one that gave up trying. Maybe doesn't feel helpful now to hear that, but my first baby had reflux and my god it was tough. In the end we co slept because I was up and down so much I was hallucinating and wasn't fit to drive/function. When DS2 and DD later came along we just accepted we'd co sleep. They slept like babies (!) and I breastfed whenever they needed it laid down. At 2yo they reasonably happily went into their own rooms. Just about to try this with my DD! My advice is to be open minded. Feels hard I expect as we're all told 'the rules' and how it should be. I was torn to pieces on mn with my first when I cried out for help, but I took a breath, went through the options and worked out what worked for us. I think you need to do the same. That might be persistence if you and your partner can handle it together for the next few days, every family/situation is different.

Congratulations OP, your baby is so worth it 🥰 in a short while you will be over 'the worst' bit and you have SO much good stuff to come. Embrace what you can and accept small wins. For me, fed and in bed (in whatever form!) means you've succeeded, everything else is just a bonus ❤️ and that includes my now 7 yo!!

There's very little they can do these days. TBH I went home after a week and a poo because I couldn't stand it. And that was in 1990!

Re other babies sleepy sweetly in their cribs - babies come complete with personalities from day 1. Just because yours doesn't do the same as other babies, doesnt mean you're doing it wrong.

I did co sleeping with next to me strapped to bed with side down, once I was sure the baby was properly asleep (five mins or so) I could sometimes move her over without her waking.

So, co-sleeping doesn’t work. Anything where he is on his back doesn’t work. It’s got to be on one of us, or awful crying. Poor little man. We don’t know what else to try.

OP just strap in for these first few weeks. It will settle. But some take longer than others.

Things to consider are; hungry (including issues such as tongue tie or other breastfeeding difficulties), colic, unlikely reflux from so early.

OP can you tag team with baby on one of you for the time being so you can get some sleep. Then I suggest trying to introduce feed followed by pram walk. Babies often will nap if you have pram with flat bed. Then you go for a walk after a feed and they get soothed by that. Basically my DS slept in the pram almost exclusively at the start because he liked the movement. So we'd walk him and then come back once he was asleep. We literally brought it into the bedroom etc too and moved it back and forth. Worth a try

I presume dummies are a no-no with MN but they were life-savers with our daughter 40 years ago. We only ever allowed them in the cot or bed and at 2 they disappeared. She has lovely teeth, is a uni graduate with a well-paid professional job and has a beautiful son of her own (who also had dummies and is now a 16yr old footballer). Why make yourselves miserable and ill - worth a try?

If you’re saying that sleeping on his back isn’t working for him that seems like a telltale sign in reflux. Have a chat to your midwife or health visitor when they come to see you next. Once we got my daughters feeding issues sorted out she’s been a dream sleeper but we were in the same boat!

I used to roll a muslin and put under the right side of DS so he was slightly leaning towards his left side, helps stop reflux, I read it somewhere and did the trick so he would stay asleep in his Moses basket

Try some white noise which can be soothing.

Also my life changed when I got a baby swing that gently rocks them to sleep.

Up until that point I was genuinely having some sort of mental breakdown due to stress and lack of sleep.

Hope you find something to help - I know how awful it is to be so relieved when they fall asleep but then you can't even move an inch for fear of them waking up so you get no sleep yourself. Problem with my baby was that he also didn't want to go to anyone else other than me....... I survived though, just!

Also agree with dummy suggestions - my ds relaxed a lot faster having something to suck on all the time! I was anti dummies before having him but needs must.

Thank you so much all. Yes we were going to try a dummy last night then I realised it was made of latex. I have a latex allergy so thought it unwise to risk it. I’m going to get some latex free ones on Amazon today.

Love the idea of the pram walk. DH is going to try that this morning - I had a C section so don’t think it’s best for me to go too at this stage.

Midwife should be coming today so I will ask about reflux. Interestingly DH is prescribed tablets for reflux..?

We got through the night by attempting to tag team. I say attempting because it didn’t really work and I twice fell asleep holding the baby which I know is awful.

He is the most beautiful, wonderful boy and we are utterly besotted. It’s heartbreaking to see him so very upset.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you all for your suggestions and for being there for me.

He hasn’t brought up any milk at all. Just does a little burp after each feed.

There’s a really annoying thing called silent reflux where you don’t get the normal symptoms but then when you try to lay baby down they have none of it! My daughter just has carobel added in to her formula and it’s all fine but I’ve got friends who’s babies are on gaviscon or omeprazole and again all great once on the correct thing for it.

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job and it’s nice to hear how much your husband is helping! Good luck with your c section recovery, think I was 4 days post section before I attempted a little walk then just gradually increased length of walks and didn’t have any issues so just take your time, you’ve got this!

My first born had severe reflux (to the point of hospitalisation) so from what it sounds like there could be a problem. One of the quick fixes you can do is prop the crib up slightly at the top so the baby is slightly raised where they sleep. This helps the milk settle into the belly better. Or there are mattress wedges you can buy to do this

other things is to bottle feed with the baby sitting upwards. I had to express every feed in order to do this but it did help.

dipping dummy in some lightly sugared water helps as well to soothe as apparently it is a natural painkiller for babies. (Before anyone poo poos that - we got given the pots of sugar solution from the paediatric doctor who told us to do this!)

also something to consider that the baby might have a lactose allergy- after 6 months we had to move to on prescription formula as we felt that was causing their grief!

try to front load sleep so go to bed at the time the baby goes down for first sleep. I was going to bed at 7-8pm for weeks after the baby was born as we knew they would be awake about 3 hours later and then up all night on and off.

honestly it does pass. If a parent can take the baby overnight in another room to allow a full nights rest that is very helpful. Forever indebted to my mum for doing that. She even slept at the bottom of our bed for a week or so when things were really bad so she could pass baby to me. Worth every penny to employ a night nurse if you can afford it to try and help you. I regret not doing that.

Is there anyone you could call to come and hold baby for a bit? I remember my mum turning up at 10pm one day having heard a sense of desperation in my texts, she held the baby for a couple of hours so both DH and I could sleep (or pass out as it felt!). If you could both sleep for a couple of hours you’d be better able to tag team. And both of you need to nap at every opportunity. Don’t rely on getting your sleep at night. I know it sounds dramatic, but you really are on survival mode at first with a newborn.

It could be silent reflux, it could be CMPA, but at this age it’s entirely possible that he’s just not used to the big cold outside world yet.

I had a friend whose baby would only sleep on her front. She bought this sensor thing for the baby to sleep on. If the sensor couldn't "feel" the baby breathing, it let out an alarm. Supposedly it's safe to let babies sleep this way. Remember babies ALL used to sleep on their fronts not that long ago. It isn't ideal, but it's a safer option that having them sleep on you, as you describe.

What a lot of stress though, poor you. Great that it sounds like you are bonding really well, despite the lack of sleep, you are doing really well x