How the heck are we supposed to sleep if newborn won’t go in a crib?

[PBQ123]

I’ve been awake for coming up to 48 hours straight now. Newborn won’t go into a crib. Will stay there for ten mins then cry. Swaddling doesn’t work. So only option is to hold to sleep. We are so tired neither of us can be trusted to do this without falling asleep ourselves. I am EBF but this isn’t going to work is it. What are you supposed to do? Naively bought a Next to Me and Moses basket assuming baby would be happy to go in them. We haven’t even left the hospital yet though and it’s clear they were a waste of money.

Get your husband to have some sleep so that he can take over from you asap. You need to take turns. Also, be clear with him that having had a rest he needs to look after both you and the baby. He needs to ensure you are fed and have drunk enough water (also ensure you do this in the hospital). It is awful in there, I left with postpartum psychosis due to lack of sleep in similar circumstances. All was well after some sleep at home and a spag bol, served to me by trooper husband. Don't panic. Swaddle, dark and white noise at home, the baby will likely sleep fine!

Thanks @Immysmumma

We ended up with DD being admitted through A&E for tube feeding (losing 20% of her birth weight) because I religiously followed the 'babies only need breast milk' 'don't disrupt establishing your supply by giving a bottle' 'babies only need constant access to the breast in the first few days'.
My milk came in on day 6!! By that point she'd have been dead without formula. IN THE FIRST FEW DAYS I DID NOT HAVE MILK! FACT!

Send DH home to sleep at night, then he can come armed with eye masks and ear plugs so you can sleep a bit in the day time. It's normal for a fresh baby to want you all the time, they're making sure your milk comes in. Read up on safe cosleeping for when you get home - you don't have to do it if you don't want to, but it's far safer to do it intentionally than accidentally.
Congratulations, and the hospital is always awful, I'd try to get home ASAP.

I think when it comes to babies, particularly when they are your first, you are kind of scrambling for info so often end up taking on all of the advice and not listening to your own instinct. It took me a while to get to grips with the idea of doing what was right for me and my baby and having the confidence to say this without any shame or worry. Once I was able to do this my parenting journey became ten times easier.

When it comes to feeding, I agree with you that you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t! Someone once made me laugh and said I shouldn’t worry shout how I feed my baby because in a few years time they’ll all be asking for a Happy Meal at McDonalds whether they were bottle fed or EBF!

Haven’t RTFT so others might have said this - if you’re EBF your milk won’t come in till about day 3, baby is only getting colostrum now so will be hungry, things should get a bit easier after day 3 and after you’re home and it’s quieter.

The first 3 days are the absolute hardest in my experience. Both of my children have refused to be put down in that time, it really does get better. Also once you're in your own environment, you'll be able to control the lighting etc and create a more calming atmosphere. I hope you have some support when you get home so you can at least have a good sleep and start recovering.

Please don't do this! It really isn't safe to sleep with them on you. And I totally get it as a reflux mum, TOTALLY. It's hell. My baby also refused to sleep anywhere but on me and I was quite insane from lack of sleep by 6 weeks in. But it is not safe. I once dropped off with her in my arms and woke with her hanging off me over the edge of the bed, head dangling, spine curved, struggling to breath. I honestly believe that the positional hypoxia could well have killed her if I hadn't woken. Or she'd have fallen head-first to the floor. It was chilling.

What I actually did, besides organising shifts with my partner, was let her sleep on her front from about 7 weeks. Again, not the safest but at least meant I was able to control for other safe sleep factors. The position means the contents of their stomach can't flood straight back up as it does when lying on their back. I would recommend that as a far safer option for a refluxy baby than sleeping with them in your arms, bearing in mind how beyond exhausted you are and how dangerous that is for good judgement/response time/mental health/caring capacity. Still not ideal but you could get an Owlet sock or similar.

I'm not sure exactly when mine grew out of her reflux but her sleep was great and life definitely got a lot brighter after the 4 or 5 months point I think.

Hospital is literal hell. Sooner you can get out the better.

Tag teaming is the way to survive. Even when DH went back to work I did 11.30pm-6am and he picked up the time either side around work so I could sleep (around feeds). It’s no fun going to bed at 7pm but you feel like a human again.

I do believe babies need to learn to sleep. The more they sleep the more they will. So at the moment they sleep being held, when the sleep better and deeper and feed more you can start putting them down. Sometimes it take a few tries but it will happen.

The second night with a newborn is always the worst. It doesn’t mean they won’t sleep in the next to me at home. Probably best to look into safe co-sleeping.

The nurses looked after my baby for a few hours on my third night in hospital as I had hardly had any sleep. Our baby went in the next to me crib when we were home for the first couple of days, then would basically sleep there at night (not for long at a time) and on us during the day. My husband and I had a shift system, so we were each 'on duty' for a while and then would hand over once feeling too tired to look after baby safely. If you're EBF, ask your other half to bring the baby to you for feeding but to do everything else as much as they can - settling to sleep, nappy changes etc.

Night sleep was really hard in the first days and weeks. She slept sometimes, but would often just need to sleep on us for a bit. She wouldn't go down in a crib during the day at all, so had contact naps until she was about 4/5 months old, occasionally trying to put her in the crib.

For all that our baby was a terrible sleeper as a newborn, she got much better around 8 weeks and has slept ten hours through the night, almost without exception, since about 10 weeks. Some family and friends were concerned that the contact naps would get her into bad habits too, but she naps well in her cot now.

Congrats OP! So sorry this is a difficult start. A few thoughts;

Push hard to get home asap - obviously if you’re in due to jaundice or something baby-related it’s difficult, but otherwise say you want to leave and ask what options you have to do so

Babies change all the time - just because they won’t sleep in a crib now doesn’t mean they won’t in two weeks time.

That said, until she was six months my daughter liked to be close. Would sleep in a crib for part of the night and then co-slept. Naps were laid with me or in a sling.

Good luck and sympathy to you - the first few days after labour are brutal - being in hospital for them is the worst.

Try not to worry - it will get better. Honestly the post-natal wards are just the worst environment for a new mum and newborn. When you're in your own home it will feel very different. Mine were both ok sleeping in the pram and moses basket (not always but for the majority of naps/sleeps). Congratulations on your lovely baby.

The first few days are horrendous, baby is confused and will sleep whenever and mainly on your or dad as they want the warmth and closeness. You need to let your partner have a long sleep, then once home he needs to look after the baby whilst you are catching up on your sleep and vice versa. Baby will eventually fall into a routine of sleeping longer stretches overnight and only wake for feeds. X

@thinkingndrinking I'm really sorry to hear this - thank goodness your DD was ok, but what a terrifying experience x

@WhiteLily1 I'm sorry you also had a difficult BF journey - it's such an emotive subject, and for me just highlights that women still aren't being supported with what's best for them and what's best for baby (whether that's BF, if possible, or being supported to formula feed / top up with formula if not). There is so much judgement and as others have said, we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Interestingly, the figure that only 5% of women are unable to breastfeed is often quoted, but doesn't appear to be based on any actual evidence - this really interesting blog by Rachel O'Brien, a private lactation consultant, gives more details www.rachelobrienibclc.com/blog/why-only-5-of-women-cant-make-enough-milk-is-a-myth/

Safe co-sleeping and get the midwives to help you with feeding lying down. Saved my sanity when I had my first.

The first few weeks are torture but it's very early days and it will improve. Nap when you can and don't be too hard on yourself.

It used to be when mine were little, youngest is 14 now

The same happened to me. Felt confident with her sleeping on me, in tune with her bla bla bla, until I woke up and she’d slipped down me and I hadn’t woken up

God, that's terrifying. I'm fully in favour of safe co-sleeping but this is simply not it. Just textbook Don't Do This stuff.

Babywear, it will be a lifesaver.

I get your concern, and that sounds really scary but I’ve got a setup that this couldn’t happen, propped up with pillows and walls. She’s in my chest and can’t roll or move yet, so she’s not going to go anywhere else. I do transfer her onto her front once I think she will stay asleep like that , but if I do too soon she just wakes and we start the cycle all over again or she gets so overtired it becomes very hard to get her to sleep. I will need to get her sleeping not on me as she gets bigger.

And I’m not trying to recommend anyone does what I’m doing. Just sharing my experience as I think we’re led to believe everyone has these babies sleeping on their backs and some just don’t so you’ve got to do something else

If your baby is crying they may well be gassy and, in my experience, picking them up again the moment they cry can prolong the problem as they can't wriggle it out. Discovered that when I took a while to get to DS who was crying, he did a big gassy pop and stopped crying. So I slunk off again.

Please read the safe sleep guidelines from the lullaby trust

We are home now. Thankfully. The reason we are both very sleep deprived is the behaviour of some of the other adults staying in the unit. It was awful.

We tried to put baby down in the Moses basket when we got home but it didn’t go well. We got six minutes before he was upset, with flailing limbs everywhere. Even in swaddling he works his way out of it, all the while getting increasingly distressed.

It was heartbreaking seeing all the other babies on the ward in their plastic cribs. I don’t know how we’ll get through the nights.

I’m going to read through the replies now for some ideas or tips. Thank you all, so grateful for your help.

We did ask the midwives last night but they said they were very busy as well as being short on staff so couldn’t do it.