Absolutely fekkin fuming

[almondflake]

We're Into the first day of a family holiday to Mexico with our daughter, her boyfriend and another couple .
It took us hours to get here and after a decent nights sleep , daughters boyfriend has had too much to drink and kicked off big time , storming round the hotel then kicking the hotel room door in . Luckily the hotel have not called the police , we've paid for the door , my husband has taken the boyfriend away to sober up , I'm sat in my hotel room with a distraught daughter .we're hoping to get him on a flight home tomorrow as he can't stay here , I'm absolutely furious with him, he's 24 and he's blaming it all on our daughter .
I'm not looking for solutions just venting really .

I'd he careful about not framing it as if 'he can't handle his emotions/drink' because that's not what this is. Made clear by him not even being sorry.

He's abusive. The drink only showed it clearer.
Even I'd he never drank again he would still be a vile human being who doesn't care who he hurts and isn't sorry for it. Who blames others for his own failings. Who leaches. Who cocklodges. Who is a liability.

fuck that. @almondflake I would’ve tipped the hotel to call the police and insisted that he not be given any preferential treatment.

how old is your DD to be sucked in by such a piece of shit?

there’s a lot more to his abuse than she has admitted. Probably drugs as well.

I expect he'll keep her self esteem at rock bottom so she will accept his behaviour and keep him as 'she will never do any better' (according to him). And everything will, of course, be her fault.

Frankly if this opens her eyes and he's been bad enough for her to get shot now then a ruined first night and a plane ticket for FreeloadingKnobbyMcKnobface to be sent home is worth it 10 x over.

Who are the other couple you're travelling with? Do they have any influence over him?

Did the hotel agree to let him stay because you asked them to? Sure, hotel management is placated by you paying for the door repair and they've denied him alcohol access (not that he can't get that elsewhere) but maybe you could talk to them about him being made to move out after all. It would be best if he was removed in one way or another. Speak to the rep, there may be an alternative place for him to stay but hopefully DD won't go to see him there! I imagine once sober he might decide to apologise and sulk because he won't want to go home alone.

It might be helpful for her to hear this right now:

'If you ever find yourself trying to explain to someone why obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful - you are in an abusive relationship.

No grown adult needs to be told horrible behaviour is horrible. So never get stuck on a merry go round of explaining your pain so someone like that in hopes of any genuine apology or change. Because with decent people, we never find ourselves in that situation in the first place. Only with abusers'.

if its your propoerty kik im out! she been covering for him for months is nott a sweet thing it means shes scared get rid

That should say “gone by the next morning”!

Here’s hoping that you can get him on a plane and collected by his parents. (And that they’re smart enough to keep him out of your DD’s place until you’re all back.) This young man probably needs help when he’s back but it sounds like a job for his parents not your DD.

He's 24. What do his parents have to do with anything? He's an adult. And you and your DD aren't responsible for him, OP.

I'd tell him that either he leaves the hotel or you'll call the police and get him removed and arrested. And you don't give a toss where he goes so long as he's out of there and you don't have to see him again.

I might offer him the £300 flight if he makes a fuss about having no money, but that would be the 'price' of him getting lost.

He's not some recalcitrant teenager who needs to be returned to their parents in disgrace. Tell him to get out and he can come and collect his stuff from the house when you're back home.

Probably best if he stays but at a distance. Don't wanting him destroying things at home before you get back.

OP, this man is a predator who is trying to exploit your daughter, ultimately if he thinks he can he will try to access your wealth via your daughter since he knows that you own the house she lives in etc.

It's good that the property is your and that his parents are understanding. I suggest you get them to collect his things and prevent him further access to your property, even if your daughter wants to continue the relationship and takes a while longer to see him for who he is. I'm assuming he has no tenancy contract

There are a few things that need to happen even while you're away.

1. His parents need to pay for his return flight as he clearly has zero concept of money.
2. You need to arrange for a change of lock on the place that your DD and he share and they are to pop the keys through your letterbox even if his belongings are still there - you will return them to him when you get home and not a moment sooner.
3. If you can't get his arse on a flight home sooner, he stays elsewhere. He doesn't deserve to stay in the same accommodation (and I'm really shocked that the hotel management haven't already turfed his arse out on to the pavement).
4. Your DD has seen what this individual is really like - the veneer has slipped and his true behaviour has shown and she needs to end the relationship.
5. He or his parents should arrange to pay for the replacement door in the hotel and for the expense of the trip that he has forced to be shortened for him.

That's my take on the situation. My goodness what a time you've had so far on your break. Hope the rest of the holiday goes smoothly.

Why on earth are this man’s parents involved?

Why should they pay for him?

I would offer the same £300 to the hotel and police so he can be kept in a cell

I'm going out on a limb here because I posted just above your questions suggesting that his parents pay - well that was based on him only having a job for the past 2 months and the OP's daughter actually paying for the holiday for her and him, so I'm going to guess that he wouldn't have the money to pay for return flights (even the cheap ones that have 3 stops on the way) or the replacement door or anything that their son has cost the OP and her family so far.

Open to being corrected on that though.

I realise everything will feel so raw to you all right now. Sleep & peace is what you all need.
It's a difficult path you're treading as often an abuser will say to you DD how everything that you as parents might do in that crisis time is 'awful' (such as leave him to sort himself out in another continent) & he repaint it as him being the victim & him not be faced with the true consequences of his actions by having to face his girlfriend & yourselves.
Abusers hate to have their mask revealed & not be able to escape & concoct an alternative narrative.
I think you're doing the right thing by protecting your daughter, making sure there is a cold light of day truthful conversation, forcing adult decisions & her seeing how people who love her ought to treat her.
It's a wholly unpleasant set of events & I hope you are taking some support from MN too as it must be devastating for you as a family to have to deal with this on a holiday you've all saved for.
I was wondering, although we know from the post how you're feel 'f fuming' but how does your DD feel?

More likely he doesn't like cleaning out litter trays -Even if cleared and checked throughout the day, cat poo can really be gross smelling.

Edit...Not my cat, but one I look after while the owners are away....{smelly poops} I did wonder about the quality of the cat's food- 'cheaper' food with dogs definitely results in much whiffier poos - high quality food, the poos are smaller and barely any odour to them. {Not to hijack the thread} - but have been told this cat always has smelly poo, since a kitten {a feral rescue}

Your holiday has been tarnished, but thank God he kicked off while you were all around to support and advise your DD. It could turn out to be the best holiday you ever had, for her sake.
Hopefully, she'll have the strength to cut him right out of her life now it's all out in the open.

You're absolutely right to be furious with him. Enjoy the rest of your holiday with him gone.

Litter trays, mislaid keys, and not being followed when you have having a tantrum are no excuse for any of this behaviour. Drunk or otherwise.

I would try, when she's ready, to find out if this kind of thing has happened before. How did she end up covering his costs for the last year. Why hasn't she been honest about it before now?

I expect this is part of a long series of controlling and manipulative behaviour from the boyfriend.

Of course he should empty the litter try he lives in the house too. Why would he wait for your daughter to get home from work to do it for him?

I suggest you ask your daughter how she sees this if they were married or god forbid had children.

So he is utter abusive scum.
I would arrange for the locks to be changed on your house.
Take the house back from your daughter if her judgement is so poor.

He could do with a spell in jail.
As for his return flight, not your problem.

Unbelievable that you would be caring for such utter scum.
Let his parents pay for him.
I find it hard to believe they don't know what an abusive waster they reared.

I would be hugely disappointed in your daughter to find out that she has clearly been lying for a long time.

There is no way he should enter your house again.

Hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Why would you ever be disappointed in a clear victim of abuse.

I think the tip of an iceberg has just been revealed, OP - and it sounds as if there could be a long road ahead when it comes dislodging this abuser from your daughter's life. (I hope not for all your sakes.)