Apart from a bereavement- what has been the greatest sorrow of your life?

[Insywinsy2]

I know pretty morbid but I have been reflecting on life recently now that I’m getting closer to 40.
I have experienced loss with close family passing away but the greatest sorrow in my life is only having my children 50/50 since their dad left a few years ago. It still fills me with such grief knowing that, although I do agree it is best for them to spend time with us both.

I have two: First, not being able to give my children the solid support of a long and happy marriage that my parents have given/shown to me. They've been together for 57 years - I couldn't make it past 20. Divorced very amicably as there was no one else involved and no abuse - he's now remarried and happily settled
Second - that I couldn't save my partner of 5 years from his breakdown (caused by evil bastard boss and his wife but I can't prove that) and subsequent alcoholism which led to his death a couple of years ago. I eventually had to ask him to leave my house to save my own mental health as the stress of coming home from work and not knowing if he was lying asleep/passed out/dead every day was so very hard. He moved 60 miles away to start again but despite trying very hard, couldn't beat his demons and his body gave up. I wish I could have been strong enough to save him.

My dad has lost the plot in recent years totally changed his personality and fallen out with half his family including me over trivial things that escalated into warfare.
The worst thing is his possessive second wife( my SM) has encouraged/ aided/ abetted it due to wanting us pesky kids out of the way, she's always been insanely possessive. She has scuppered any attempts at reconciliation, we have given up now.

It's a living death to be honest, feels like he's turned into someone else completely.

Watching my beautiful 15-16 yo dd slowly starve herself until I was so worried I’d go into her room in the night just to check she was still alive. The pain of rejection and vileness that her anorexia rains upon me has been almost too much to bear and having to just give love and fight it to keep her alive.

And despite her now doing better, she is still very mentally ill, knowing that as she refuses therapy to deal with the anxiety, which caused this illness it may take her life yet.

I have chronic fatigue and became very ill when she was 3. I thought the pain of not being able to look after her, the pain of not participating actively in her life was unbearable. But this, this is something else entirely and it is little known that anorexia is the most deadly form of mental illness.

There are things, which no one would wish on others, not even their worst enemy.

Hearing my fiancé tell me that he had decided he never wanted children. Being faced with the hardest decision of my life. Grieving the life we would have had together.

I have a wonderful ds, I'm happy and content but remained single after that.

Seeing my dad gradually lose himself and shut down due to dementia from only his late 60s. And slowly die. Horrific.

Infertility, divorce, my exH moving on to a younger version of me...there's been a lot. And now facing up to a future in which I will probably be alone, no family and the perpetual worry that dementia will get me like it got my dad.

Losing my first pregnancy following 2 years of TTC. I had a great first 12 weeks until I went for my dating scan and was told there was no heartbeat. My second pregnancy also ended in miscarriage but strangely that was less heartbreaking. I had fallen in love with my little lentil the first time and built a whole wonderful future in my head. My lovely daughter (product of my 3rd pregnancy) is now 13 so it must be 15 years since my miscarriage so I am amazed how much it still hurts to think of the loss of little lentil.

How did you recover? I have just passed the 10 year mark and would say I am maybe 40 to 50% functional. It is not fun.

I had a very similar experience. My daughter is a couple of years away from leaving for college and I bitterly regret the time I spent hating being a mother. The first few years of her life were terrible for me. She is on the spectrum and I have struggled with the terrible sense that if I'd been a calmer, happier, less "shouty" mother that she'd not have struggled the way she has.

I've been really lucky so far that other than elderly relatives passing away I've never experienced too many bereavements. My nephew died when he was two which was utterly tragic, but in the way that reading about any two year old dying would - we weren't involved with his family (husbands side) so I didn't know him.

Mine seems very minor compared to so many of these utterly heart rending stories and my heart goes out to all of you and I hope you find peace.

Mine is that I almost 40 and I don't feel like I've achieved much. I have four beautiful, healthy, happy children. I have a degree and own my own small business but I feel like somewhere down the line I've missed something and could have done so much more. That's my own making though - and I'm determined to change something, and this thread has made me realise that I'm fortunate to have the time to make changes.

You're not alone. I had two boys after my daughter and the connection was instant. Which somehow makes the first time round worse.

Blimey, you’re being very hard on yourself if you feel you haven’t achieved much by 40. Sounds like you’ve done just fine to me.

The greatest sorrows for me were having an abortion as a teen, probably the wise thing to do but so so saddening to me. A lifelong sadness.

Also that DS has quite a few disabilities, which we deal with fine but the fights we have to have with school and the local authority have broken me mentally over the last 7 years. I have no choice but to fight for his rights.

This, a dd being diagnosed with anorexia and really struggling with their mental health. It has utterly destroyed me.

Firefly getting cancelled.

I've been lucky I guess!

Mine is quite outing if you know me.

My eldest DS meeting his now wife and turning his back on all of his family. The pain and sense of loss was horrific and engulfed me. In the end I have had to make my peace with it for the sake of my own mental health.

My youngest DS being sexually abused by an older child and plunging into the depths of depression, drug and alcohol addiction which culminated in a life changing accident when he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He will never achieve the life he wants and I worry what will happen to him when I'm no longer here.

My husband having two strokes and whilst he has recovered, he is not the man he was, we no longer have the closeness and relationship we did have, we are more like friends.

If I could disappear I would, I find life incredibly, suffocatingly difficult some days.

I have found men to be almost universally disappointing

I wish I'd never tried for a vaginal birth (and had one). I wish I'd had a c section.

I wish I hadn't tried so so hard to make breastfeeding work. I have been left with PTSD.

It's the biggest humblebrag lol.

I got diagnosed with 2 incurable diseases that have basically stolen my life and robbed me of everything I ever wanted . For me that tops bereavement currently.

But you should have been.

You made this thread, presumably, so people could get support. This thread is nothing to do about Gaza or Israel or all the other human suffering in this cursed planet, it was - based off your initial post - about being coming together and sharing their sorrows. Getting support.

And if you're going to shoot people down based off their own experiences, you should have clarified it in your initial post.

You did not need to say anything because you saying something about Gaza on this thread makes no difference to what is happening in Gaza (because let's be honest, none of them are reading your posts on mumsnet) - but it could have made that poster feel worse. Have some empathy.

Thankyou @babiesonthecarpet .

Looking at it written down it does look like that but I feel like there's a big hole in my life somewhere but I can't quite figure out what it is. I have ADHD so the need to be always doing something is stronnnnng! I'm hoping I'll figure it out, whatever it is because I don't ever want to get told age and regret not doing something I should have!

Twist the knife, why don’t you? What an unpleasant and unnecessary comment.

In any case, there was no talk of "genocide" for many months after the October murderous attack. (Some people were marching in support of Palestinians last October, before there had been any response at all from Israel.)

Agree with pp - seeing DC struggle with mental health and being unhappy at school 😞

marriage breakdown and choosing the wrong person in the first place

for myself, having my life marred by weight issues, overeating and binge eating

Having a disabled child. But it's not OK to talk about it publicly. Every time his siblings do something he never will, every time I drive past his siblings local schools knowing he can never just go to a local school. When he asks me if he will ever get a girlfriend. I know he is alive and healthy but it sucks. The grief for a future and childhood he can never have.

Every gcse, a level results day, going to uni. Every time my other kids excel, I die inside a bit more for my precious boy

Losing my brain's ability to function properly a decade ago after I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by psychotropic drugs prescribed off label for severe anxiety and insomnia. I'd give anything to be able to have full health again 😪 I have lived with a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that was caused by the antipsychotic drug. It's a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined, and has totally been hell on earth at times. I've felt tremors in my head like my brain is vibrating, my tongue, mouth and other body parts move in an involuntary way, and having a lack of control over my body is something that others will never truly understand unless they have experienced it. 😪💔 They say that health is wealth and it is so true.

Losing my DB to cancer aged 34 was pretty awful too.