Parents don’t want to raise children anymore

[radiator2]

As some of you may be aware some children have been arrested in relation to the murder of an 80yr old. The mother of one of the rioters has also jetted off on holiday with no regard for the fact her child was due in court. While these are two quite extreme cases they seem to represent a bigger issue and I feel like nobody can be bothered to parent nowadays. I work around children and I see it daily, parents unbothered with discipline or actually raising their kids. It feels like some parents have no clue what their kids are up to meanwhile kids younger and younger are committing crimes and getting in huge trouble at school. I genuinely fear for the future with some of those in this generation of children and I can’t work out if more kids are just terrible people or if more parents have kids with no interest in raising them. I might be being a little dramatic but these kids don’t seem afraid or anything or to care what damage they cause

I'm sure I have many failings as a wife, mother and daughter. That does not render me unable to see a general pattern.
Obesity is on the rise. Sure I also eat the wrong things and could lose a few pounds. Does that mean I cannot state a general trend that I am observing that "people are getting heavier"?

No, I'm really not part of the culture. I grew up around it and witnessed it first hand and vowed I would never ever be part of it. It's not some widespread thing that everyone is part of. If you think this then you fundamentally misunderstand it.

I'm not writing off the impact of funding and deprivation but I think people overestimate what funding alone can do and underestimate how culture drives deprivation. There is only so much outside parties and facilities can do when people don't want to change and fundamentally are quite content with their way of life. They may well want more money and to escape deprivation but they don't want to do what's required to work towards this themselves. They don't see why they should. There is an apathy and passivity towards education and achievement that is very hard to break. It follows that you don't really care if your kid gets in trouble with the police because it's not going to harm their future career anyway because you don't envisage them having one.

The only solution I see is that we need to come down much harder on parents of these kids. They may well not see the point of towing the line but they won't want to be hassled and to start to be penalised for what their kids are getting up to. That's the only thing I ever witnessed having any impact.

This must be an area thing because the majority of children I come across are well behaved with interested parents.

There is a minority who aren't but they are very visible as they have such an impact. I work across 5 school, so feel I come across more children than average.

I think it has always been like that though. There was certainly anti social behaviour, joy riding and child murderers in the news when I was young.

But I think there are more children being exploited by criminal gangs in very complex structures and being drawn into crime like that than ever before.

The method of ignoring their kids might have changed but parents ignoring children isn’t a new phenomenon.

Also, surely not all of us parent the same? We don't all have the same failings? Kids are stuck in front of a screen for hours on end. We know that a lot of parents rely on screens. We chose not to. We don't own a TV and NEVER use screen time. It was a personal choice.
So yes i live in a culture where screen time is on the rise, but our family does not do it. Surely some of us make better choices then others in certain aspects? Now I can't state that parents overuse screen time, because I shouldn't point at other people?

I absolutely disagree. It is not the constant pointing at other people. It is the fact that we are too afraid to say these things to other parents. In reality we should be able to say in kindness. "joan, I think little John would benefit from a firmer hand and maybe clearer boundaries. We my Luca used to get in trouble at school for the same reasons, this and this is what worker. I don't know if you think that would work. I know, its hard isn't it." Or whatever. " have you considered that the tantrums are because of too much screen time? Did you notice they always happen after TV time." Instead of nodding and saying " ohh yes teachers these days are horrible aren't they." or " oh yeah I also allow my kids to watch two ours of Miss Rachel, it is normal."

BTW I'm not saying i'm blameless in all aspects of parenting. I may not do screen time, but I'm sure there is moms out there who maybe don't lose there temper as much as me or do much more tummy time or give healthier snacks or whatever, even if they do do screentime. Doesn't make me better than them overall. Maybe I have more balance in one aspect, but they have in another aspect.

Forgive me, but parents are deprived of the tools of brining the children up, and yet they are expected to bring them up. Many times on this forum I gave examples of my Asian upbringing and of those around me. For example, I said that when a male relative kicked his mum at age 3, she kicked him back, only harder, etc. You get my drift. My message was deleted 'for not following Talk Guidelines'. What, you seriously think you can explain to a 3-year old kicking is immoral because it breaches the integrity of the person he kicked? My Asian relatives are no better in terms of manners, education, etc. etc. but one thing they know from the age of 3 - physical actions have very physical consequences. The banning of corporal punishment in UK families and schools is only reinforced by what happens in our judicial system - severe physical actions have no physical consequences - you kill a person you get a sentence in prison where you human rights are observed, which is the equivalent of 'you kicked your mum, you spat in her face, you broke your sibling's arm - now kindly go to sit and relax on the naughty step'.

I agree with everything you have stated. I’d also like to add ’violent video games’ into the mix. I believe there is a correlation between watching violence, and when that becomes the norm, acting it out.

Starts at home. Parents who can't even be bothered to buy the correct uniform for their child preferring to argue with the school instead over 'pointless' uniform policies

That, and social media. Too much time spent on smartphones! We've become immune to everything.

I have worked with children for the last 25 years 13- 18 age group.

Seen in a massive shift in what is acceptable and what is not.
Professional services just don't command the respect they used to.

Would any of you told a Policeman Dr teacher or any adult really to EFF off.

My dad would have skinned me if I did.
I was on a council estate until 10 years old and one of the roughest in the city at that time.
Jesus even the neighbours would have given me a slap if we stepped out of line

I do not think we were feral in the 80s. We were free range.

I knew I would be in huge trouble if I did something wrong.

I think he pleaded guilty, he did not have a trial

Yes but in trouble meant physical punishment and we can’t do that now. Unfortunately the parents who did actually use physical punishment are the ones doing nothing now.

But for me it was a good ultimate threat. Even if never used.

But part of the problem is the bombardment of negative stories and headlines by news feeds. Apart from global warming things are probably better worldwide than worse than 30 years ago.

Bravo, bravo, bravo!

I feel like nobody can be bothered to parent nowadays

We have high expectations of our children’s behaviour and clear consequences if they misbehave. Plenty of parents like us. Or certainly in our friendship group, anyway.

Yes, absolutely. My culture is the same. Parents with strong authority, loving, never physically or emotionally abusive, high expectations and know where our children are, although mine are grown up now.

What I and you describe is how my family and their friends have always behaved. Grannie was born in 1910, mother in 1936, me in 1960, my children in the 1990s. DH's family reflects similar.

I think you are describing normal families - the children's friends were/are pretty similar.

Violent crime has been trending down in the UK since 1995. There may be many reasons for this but it is hardly consistent with the idea that parents are now raising a new generation of feral violent youth because they’ve lost parenting skills.

There were always shit parents.

What changed is the closure of schools during Covid. It changed the societal contract, school is now seen as optional. It is more reasonable to challenge and this spreads.

There has been a massive rise of ‘homeschooling’ as there is more awareness of this as a loophole. Good parents sonetimes homeschool because it’s the right thing for their child but there is no oversight. So bad parents can also ‘homeschool’ without actually doing any, schooling or discipline at all.

I'm heading to 62. Growing up, yes we were pretty free-range in the holidays and only really went home for meals. BUT by that stage we had been taught respect for others.

This country has become less child-friendly because many children are not taught the basics of living in society within their family environment. Now people are protecting themselves from the lack of parenting by others.

Much of the issues arise from schools being unable to expel and there being too few Prus. Consequently whole classes suffer at the hands of the few.

The philosophy arises from the liberalism in education and other related public sectors, not from parents. We moved our dd from what was an historically elite church school to the independent sector. We were lucky we had the money to move her to an environment aligned with our expectations.

Societal structures and the loony liberalism have allowed the decline. Under resourced and poorly emotionally equipped parents are facilitating it.

Also some children couldn't cope in huge, one size fits all comps. We need small schools and different schools. Differe t strokes for different folks.

This will probably get deleted, like the comment on another thread did, but the rise of SEN diagnosis amongst children has given way to a whole bunch of parents who have decided that they cannot apply consequences or punishment to their children’s poor behaviour because of their additional needs.
Children are not exposed to natural human consequences for poor behaviour, everything is sugar-coated or done not to cause more aggro. How many times have we heard “I can’t discipline him or he has a complete meltdown”

Something has gone horribly wrong somewhere.

I got a mobility scooter in about March this year.

I live on a council estate with a certain reputation, it is not a place you aspire to live.

The various teens / children I have encountered have been polite and respectful and even helped me get off the bus.

Yes there are feckless parents but there are a lot bringing their kids up to be decent people.

Sounds like a pretty good culture to me. And if my guess about your culture us correct, its reflected in the educational achievements of your children.

If knife crime has increased 90% since 2012 and most of these are youngsters then we cannot deny the fact there is a problem. Saying there were always badly behaving kids doesn’t cut it. There is no respect and I am sure teachers have seen a change if in their professions long enough.

We had a quarter of children living in absolute poverty in 2023 in a country with already high levels of wealth & income inequality.

We have underfunded schools, we've lost two thirds of council run youth clubs, decades of councils cutting or closing their sports facilities, our mental health services are overwhelmed, etc etc.

www.unison.org.uk/news/2024/06/closure-of-more-than-a-thousand-youth-centres-could-have-lasting-impact-on-society/

So, what do you all suggest to reduce the problem of kids committing crimes?