What do you think of this situation?

[TheScream268]

Interested to see what people think of this situation.

2 kids under 10. One nursery age.

Husband works 80-100 hours a week. Rarely home before midnight, often home in the early hours of the morning. Earns £200k+ in a stressful job. Sleeps till late on the weekend, then heads to the gym. Enjoys a few drinks on weekend nights, then sleeps late the next morning. Sees the kids for maybe 2-3 hours a week - might take them to the park or the shop at the weekend or do a bit of homework with the older one but that's it.

Wife does freelance work around the kids. Before the youngest was born, used to earn maybe £20-30k a year. Wife hasn't worked much since the toddler arrived (not in nursery). Wife does all the housework, cooking, childcare, school runs, bedtime, bath-time, trips out with the kids, birthday parties, night wakings, sick days.

Husband transfers the wife £800pcm to pay for everything relating to the kids and house.

What the point of having his man in the house? There is no support or love from him, what is his value?
I would expect him at least to provide a certain lifestyle for his family but it didn’t happen either. £800 pm is a joke.
Are there any religious/ legal/ moral issues which prevent wife from getting a divorce?
And wanted to add - older kid is not so little and probably noticed the abnormality of the family life already.

Are there any religious/ legal/ moral issues which prevent wife from getting a divorce?

Not really. She is very tired. Wife's mother has a terminal illness. Conflict is just not a priority at the moment.

Are you the husband trying to get perspective on the situation thinking it's a fair set up but your wife doesn't?

Or are you the wife who says they are ok with it but obviously isn't or you wouldn't have started the thread!

Either way:

The husband is a shit father. He's washed his hands of all responsibility for his children and chooses to spend what little free time he has away from them. I would question whether he really wanted children, or just wanted to keep his wife in get place.

The husband is a shit husband. He has no relationship with his wife. They have no time together to nurture their relationship. He doesn't treat her with love and respect - he treats her like she works for him and should be grateful for the pennies he throws at her.

Money - it's laughable that the husband is bringing home nearly £10k a month after tax and feels £800 is enough for his family to pay bills from and any treats/classes etc. I'd understand if he was on a significantly lower salary - but what's the point of that high income if it isn't to better your day to say lives? Is the husband paying into a pension for his wife? He should be.

Holidays - what, the actual, fuck? Why does the husband take all of his holidays alone. Because he needs a break from his stressful job? Well his wife has a stressful job too - only she NEVER gets a break. She doesn't get to come home from work and do nothing else til the next morning. The husband needs to realise this and pull his weight at home in giving the wife time off. If he has a weeks solo holiday, she should too OR at the very least, they should have a week together.

Is there another person in this marriage? Is the husband really working that many hours, or does he have 2 families on the go?

If I were the wife I'd be tempted to be sick for a day and get him to stay home for one day whilst you "sort childcare" for the next day so he can see what it's actually like to spend time with the kids and be home all day.

If both parties want the marriage to continue, counselling would be a good idea - or at the very least talk to each other about minimum expectations going forwards and then work on sticking to it.

If either party has had enough - instigate divorce. There's enough money in the husbands bank to pay for a divorce, and if he doesn't want to have the kids at all, he's going to pay a LOT of maintenance.

Is he cheating? Late nights to mid night, holidays alone.

Similar situation here but I work part time. Are you both happy with the situation as it is? I wouldn't be happy with DHs attitude to the weekend. We like a lay in too but we prioritise time with the kids at the weekend because DH works so much during the week. I think that's the only real issue here other than if either person is unhappy with the situation?

My DH works until around midnight most nights but is able to come home, help bath the kids and have a little time with them and then goes back to work in our home office so that helps with him spending time with DC. Is this an option at all?

Forgot to add about the £800, that doesn't seem fair. We have joint bank account and all
Money is family money with separate equal spending money each month.
I definitely think this isn't fair to the wife to attempt to cover all expenses.

I would say in our situation we are a team and both work our roles to make our family happy and fulfilled. It doesn't sound as though that's happening in your situation OP.

The husband is taking the absolute piss.

I hope wife’s name is on the mortgage, wife needs to ask for more money. What’s the husband doing with his money? Ensuring HE pays the mortgage and council tax? The wife needs to collate the financials and see a solicitor and ask what’ll happen if the husband kicks her out. What she can do to protect herself. The wife is free childcare/cleaner, once children are older wife will be out faster than her feet can touch the ground.

You're still writing in the third person.

Why?

I think you'd get more from child maintenance if you divorced

Op, im guessing husband has a lovely big pension in all this? What about you? Are you paying NI dues? Are you saving anything towards your pension?

It sounds like the OP is being used as a housekeeper and nursemaid, with benefits.

I agree that it sounds very transactional, and I don't believe the husband is "working" 100 hours a week.

What kind of employer expects that from its workforce?

Regardless of the money which I don’t think is enough. Having read your update why are you together? Because you’re not really. You eat separately due to timings I guess? He sees his children for 2-3 hours a week, he fits in the gym, where is your time together? Does he even know you or your children. Have you spoken to him about the lifestyle?

There’s no way he’s working 100 hours a week and going to the gym, sleeping late at the weekend, and taking the children to the park. 100 hours a week is just over 14 hours a day, every single day. Even if he works till midnight every night that means he’s starting work no later than 9.45 am, every single day. So when does he go to the gym, enjoy a few drinks, help with the child’s homework, sleep late, go to the park?

Husband often works later than midnight - 2/3/4 in the morning. Occasionally he comes home, showers, changes and goes straight back out to work. He doesn't usually work weekends (maybe 1 in 4) so he drinks on weekend nights. Sometimes on weekend afternoons after getting up, he'll spend some time doing things with the kids depending on how he feels. He usually goes to the gym on weekends (he also goes to a gym near his work during his work day).

Wife worked in a well-paid job right up until the first child was born but couldn't balance doing everything with the hours after that.

I like writing in the third person - sorry if it's irritating.

What on earth does he do for a job to not ever sleep? Even the prime minister doesn't pull those kind of hours! He's cheating on you.

Probably a city of London job those types of hours are quite common.

Sounds like you are divorced with a pretty bad deal on your end (800£) for his income and somehow still living under the same roof.

Unless you forgot to mention something major, I’d say you’d be better off actually divorced.

I wouldn’t waste my time wondering about whether or not he’s cheating. Wouldn’t change the outcome that this is not bearable.

plus: wondering about whether he’s cheating would drive you crazy, so not worth your time.

It sounds very lonely for the wife. The husband sounds unappreciative. My husband works hard, as do I but we always make time for lots of silliness and fun with the children. They’re our focus rather than money. The wife sounds exhausted & deserves someone who celebrates her. Doesn’t sound like much of a life. My happiest memories are to do with TIME spent with me as a child, where I felt listened to and valued. I hope this wife can make her husband see sense. X

I was also enjoying third person. 😜

I like writing in the third person - sorry if it's irritating

doesit make you feel it’s not about you? Everyone knows you’re the wife.

Some questions OP: 1. Why is your husband choosing to prioritise his job over everything else? 2. What is his job - just roughly if you feel being specific would be outing. 3. Where is the rest of his money going after he's given you £800? 4. What is he working towards? - Is he hoping to be mortgage free and retire to indulge a hobby by the time he's X years old, pay private school fees, or what?

He has a second home or OW.

No way you can live with working until 2~4.00am and then just go back to work.

And I’m getting the feeling you don’t really mind @TheScream268 .
At the mo, he isn’t really there so not a hindrance. You can concentrate on what’s important to you right now - your dcs and your mum.

Do you really think it’s sustainable though?

Except that in this case, the OP only gets £800 a month for nearly everything. It’s not as of she is living THE life….

If only money was the object, she’d be 100x better divorced and receiving CM.

So the next question is: what would happen if wife asked husband for more money? Or even (dare I say it) joint finances?

So was I, makes it easier to be objective about the situation.

This is a very imbalanced partnership. The earnings/housework/childcare balance needs redressing, if the aim is to have a happy family.

Wife needs to urgently increase her freelance work and/or explore other work opportunities, without asking the lord of the manor for his opinion on the subject. He can be informed that additional childcare is necessary, so that wife can pursue career/employment, and if he refuses to pay, then he can be presented with the revised childcare rota, reminded that he is a parent, stick that in his £200k pipe and smoke it.