What do you think of this situation?

[TheScream268]

Interested to see what people think of this situation.

2 kids under 10. One nursery age.

Husband works 80-100 hours a week. Rarely home before midnight, often home in the early hours of the morning. Earns £200k+ in a stressful job. Sleeps till late on the weekend, then heads to the gym. Enjoys a few drinks on weekend nights, then sleeps late the next morning. Sees the kids for maybe 2-3 hours a week - might take them to the park or the shop at the weekend or do a bit of homework with the older one but that's it.

Wife does freelance work around the kids. Before the youngest was born, used to earn maybe £20-30k a year. Wife hasn't worked much since the toddler arrived (not in nursery). Wife does all the housework, cooking, childcare, school runs, bedtime, bath-time, trips out with the kids, birthday parties, night wakings, sick days.

Husband transfers the wife £800pcm to pay for everything relating to the kids and house.

How much do you earn through your own work?

Where does the rest of the money go?

Joint savings?

Why isn’t the money shared, and managed jointly according to shared goals and aims?

He’s treating her like the Nanny, with an allowance.

Where’s the teamwork? OK, he goes out to work, she does house and kids but decision making about all family resources needs to be equal.

Has she got a pension that contributions are made to? have disposable income?

I commented above but wondering do you love him? Do you get any time to yourselves? How do the kids feel about it? Do you talk/ argue? Does he feel hard done by with his stressful job? What’s he working towards, what are his goals?

£800 isn't nearly enough

That wouldn't cover the groceries at the moment

Does he not go on a family holiday with you all ?

I think you need to tell us how much your mortgage is, how much car finance is and if school fees are being paid ? Also how much is your take home each month ? £800 a month does sound like a pittance when you consider his take home !

I'd be interested in why the husband got married and had children (he has no involvement in ) why not just live the single life ?

But on the other hand he's got a free cleaner, sex,and spread his genes.

and what a tight bastard he is.

Wife needs to divorce husband and take him to the fucking cleaners.

He needs a nanny and a maid not a wife oh wait that's what he's got.
Enrichment my arse. He needs to make time for his family as for holidaying on his own I have no words.

You poor thing. Start demanding more money or access to joint account that’s no way to live . Or divorce him and take him for every penny he has.

The wife and husband don't really talk. They are civil and polite when they see each other. The wife sleeps in the spare room, and the toddler and older child often end up there as well. The children don't really ask about their dad. The wife did ask the husband to do weekend bath time, but he said he was too tired. The house is often untidy and needs a clear-out but the wife finds it difficult to get to grips with that. The wife has the kids the whole time, except when the older one is at school or when she gets a babysitter in.

That's just sounds like no way to live for anyone. Wife sounds like she's doing it all in terms of housekeeping and trying to keep a career going. Sounds like a drudge. Plus £800pcm? Where's the rest of the money going?

Husband sounds like a workaholic who has checked out of family life.

What is in this way of life for either of them?

The wife earns around £500pcm. Sometimes more, but some months nothing. It's paid on a per project basis.

Big nope.

If he was paying for a full time cleaner, nanny etc he would be paying for more than £800 just in wages. To expect the wife to do this, pay less than minimum wage and then have an opinion on enrichment activities or lack of? You are having a laugh.

This is not a partnership - but those saying grounds for divorce.. I’d say the wife needs to be careful, as even if he walked out the door he sounds like the type who wouldn’t see his kids, give only what the child maintenance calc says, and while it probably is like £2k a month which is a lot she’d have to fund childcare, and absolutely everything while working and be the primary parent and basically run themselves into the ground. (Which I know loads of women do, and it is fucking unfair, and the system is broken)

Jeez. So when he's not working he goes to the gym on his own, stays in bed presumably on his own, eats meals on his own and goes on holiday on his own. Why exactly did he get married and have children? For the social kudos?

What's his attitude to sex? Let me guess: he thinks he deserves to have it whenever he wants it?

What i think of this situation is i wouldn't put up with it and I'd wonder why anyone does

I suppose it depends on what the agreement was for the dynamics of the relationship. Working 80-100 hours a week is going to be tough and exhausting.

Sounds like both parties are tired of the current arrangement and need to reassess the work / life balance? It’s interesting the post is mainly related to the financial situation, I think the lack of time together is more concerning.

He isn’t your partner in this relationship.

Unless his plan is to work hard now so he can retire at 40 or something, I’d be off.

Carrots, frozen veg, eggs, apples, bananas, beans, lentils, tomatoes are cheap. Bread not too expensive. If you freeze a loaf and toast it, it keeps for longer. Kids are little so don't eat that much.

His 'profit' after bills and giving DW £800 must be astronomical. If he's solely focused on working she should divorce so he gives her/kids a fair amount. Nothing else will change.

That woudnt even cover my grocery bill.

Wife needs to get back to work, perhaps retrain in something first that will bring in a better income for her eventually.

Husband can hire an actual nanny, cook and cleaner which will cost him at least half of his take home.

Once wife has a plan for the future, she can leave and find a decent human being to parent her children with. Husband can continue to disney dad twice a month on weekends.

He's getting a cracking deal on wife as a nanny. Going rate for a nanny is like 3k a month, I'd add what, £1k a month for a housekeeper/cook, set up grocery delivery from his account for food shpppkng and start invoicing him for time, as this is clearly business transaction, not a relationship. You need to actually be in a relationship (but it sounds like husband and wife both know this, and husband just hasn't got a better offer to leave wife for yet)

I never got the whole being proud to work 100 hours a week. £200k at 100 hours a week is only 90k at full time hours, but I expect he feels much more important than a 90k role.

It sounded ok to me until the £800 bit. Why doesn’t all the money go into one pot? Does the wife have access to the rest of the income? I’m guessing not.

First thing I would do is get the youngest into full time nursery. He pays (obviously). If you want to stay together get access to more money. If you are not happy separate.

With those hours can't see how he'll make it to retirement age in good health. Sounds horrendous. It'd be better to be by yourself as you sound like you're solo parenting anyway. Child maintenance is surely likely to be more than the £800 a month you're getting now ?

I thought it was ok until the last paragraph.

I mean, not ideal, but if one parent is earning £200k so the other doesn't have to work, it's fair enough they do all the housework and childcare.

My partner works similar hours, but for much less pay. Therefore I also work in addition to doing the childcare.

However, he does spend the weekends with us.

I think your husbands relationship with his kids will suffer. And also the £800 p/m is a nonsense