What do you think of this situation?

[TheScream268]

Interested to see what people think of this situation.

2 kids under 10. One nursery age.

Husband works 80-100 hours a week. Rarely home before midnight, often home in the early hours of the morning. Earns £200k+ in a stressful job. Sleeps till late on the weekend, then heads to the gym. Enjoys a few drinks on weekend nights, then sleeps late the next morning. Sees the kids for maybe 2-3 hours a week - might take them to the park or the shop at the weekend or do a bit of homework with the older one but that's it.

Wife does freelance work around the kids. Before the youngest was born, used to earn maybe £20-30k a year. Wife hasn't worked much since the toddler arrived (not in nursery). Wife does all the housework, cooking, childcare, school runs, bedtime, bath-time, trips out with the kids, birthday parties, night wakings, sick days.

Husband transfers the wife £800pcm to pay for everything relating to the kids and house.

It's sad for the DC that their Dad doesn't see them as a priority.

Why not divorce? Then the wife would still get the time with the kids but a hell of a lot more money and the chance to find a partner to actually spend time with while still young enough to enjoy. The kids won’t be at home with her forever and she’ll be left with a shell of a marriage if she stays.

This ^^

And why do you talk about yourself in the third person @TheScream268?

The whole situation sounds so sad and dysfunctional.

If you parted company you would be financially better off.

Do you love this man? Do you find comfort in the peace you have ? What makes you wanting to keep going this way because it seems you want to live this life the way it is

Sorry I haven't read all comments so may have missed something, but doesn't that mean he earns around 10k a month??? If you had a massive mortgage that sucked half of that, though I can't imagine it would be even half of that a month unless you live in a stately home, does that take up alot of it? Savings for kids? I find the third person talking a bit strange OP, are you trying to view this from an outside perspective?

I think this is a really tough one to judge unless you are living a situation like this so I appreciate that to a lot of people will comment negatively because one parent working away or double the amount of normal hours obviously takes away from their time with the kids and responsibilities in the house. It's easy to say he's not pulling his weight but if the two in the situation are happy and are working together towards a shared goal then I see no wrong (save for the finances which I would work to make more joint).

If the situation is yours OP then I would focus on how you feel about it, rather than a general consensus. My husband works a similar amount of hours but we are self employed running a very profitable business that means that we'll be able to retire by the time we're 40. It's a sacrifice we know we are making now but we have always been work hard/play hard people and see this as the time to make hay while the sun shines on our industry. The pay off will be that we are able to travel as our kids get older, show them the world, pay for their education (if needed, SEN), etc, etc.

Re finances, I do think a joint account is more appropriate in this situation - where one party has basically given up their career or is not able to work regular hours. I gave up my career to come into business with my husband and he insisted that from that point we go joint, we do still have sole accounts for some bills we never got round to changing but it's good to know that we both know where we stand and I'm never having to ask for money I don't feel like I'm working hard to earn (still not back in the business full time after having our baby).

If you want to divorce you could…. you would be entitled to half of everything, have freedom to spend as you see fit and find a loving life partner.

Or, if this arrangement suits you for now and you don’t want to disrupt the family home, you could insist on a higher monthly allowance. I get £1500 a month ‘play money’ for me and the kids. All bills, food and clubs come out of the joint account (which I have equal access to).

@TheScream268

Well, I'd say that emotionally your marriage is dead in the water. Neither of you is getting anything emotionally from the other.

Financially, you're getting screwed. My sister's DH earned MUCH more than your DH, she never worked a day in her life. All accounts were joint and she had a free hand to spend as she pleased on the house, the kids, herself. In return, she didn't go 'crazy' and discussed any major purchases with him. He rarely said no.

All he asked was a happy home to come home to, the kids educations monitored, and a smile for him when he got home. But he was an involved hands on dad when he was there and when they got older, he took them to work with him. He was never 'too tired' for his children. And he treated my sister with love and respect.

Ask yourself the age old question: Are you better off with him, or without him. But before you ask yourself that....see a solicitor to find out your position wrt a divorce. Find out what could you expect financially. Then decide.

I’d be hugely stressed working 80-100 hours a week. And I can understand the other partner doing the bulk of the other household work in this situation.

however the financial aspect of this marriage seems way off to me. I understand marriage to be a financial union, as well as an emotional and legal partnership. And, as others have said, if one partner’s career is hugely impacted by taking on sole responsibility for the household and children, then a more equal share of the household income - ie a joint bank account- seems much more appropriate.

Haven't read the full thread but have read posts by you @TheScream268.

To me this is almost like a job situation, both you and your husband doing jobs to run the house (him earning the money, you doing practically everything else) and it feels very unbalanced. It's not a partnership and I would feel resentful towards my DH if he did this because I would not feel the family was a priority for the husband at all. Yes, he works very hard, but it seems that it's for him, not for the family. It feels so unequal as the children are learning that his role of father is an absent one, who when he has free time doesn't holiday with them or seemingly want to spend much time with them as he's tired. I could guess that this may impact a child's future self of self esteem, of worthlessness. They know their dad lives with them in the house, but he seemingly consistently prioritises himself over them.

I think in 5 or 10 years he will regret not seeing his children grow up, when he realises those times are gone forever.

What is this bollocks way of posting? Just say you and your husband.

And these are always the same.... wife is unhappy and hard done to but sticks around because the husband earns big bucks.

This is not a nice environment for your kids.

The wife and DC would be better off in every possible way if she initiated divorce
There's no point in being under the same roof
The husband can't even be bothered to give DC a bath, yet he criticises wife for lack of enrichment for the older DC
Money isn't everything in life

I'd rather be married to a bloke earning 30k a year but was present with the kids than one who earned 200k but was absent all the time.

My DH earned more but I earned nothing after my second - he also paid alimony and fees that would account for the difference. He put in £2k a month to the joint account and paid my credit card bill without questions. Out of that £2k was food and day to day stuff. I don't think any other bills came out of it. Cleaner.

Why aren't your finances joint if you're married?

This sounds absolutely shit. You are not a family. You are strangers with a weird financial agreement.

Your kids will be affected

Leave and take him for all you can. He's offering nothing positive to your lives

Goodness, why is the husband needing to work such long hours? Is he inefficient, or addicted to working / avoiding engaging with actual life.

For £200k that is a dreadful deal if he is genuinely working 100 hrs per week, that is £35 - 40 per hour gross. Bonkers.

And as for the wife, why is she staying married to this man? Someone who not omly is working all waking hours but then providing a tiny budget for the family to live on.

One life are you living your best life? Doesn't sound like either the wife nor husband are.

You need a reframe here!

Option A - you have pretty much given up work, or certainly are limiting your earning potential, to cover for his lack of presence. Therefore, there needs to be a joint bank account! And out of that joint bank account, you need to be paying for a cleaner, and maybe even someone who can help with meal prep/cooking - basically anything which is menial, so you can focus on the children.
If he is earning £200k, you can definitely afford a cleaner and more, that's ridiculous. You could a regular part time nanny to come a couple of hours a day to help with the toddler, or alternatively an au pair, to be there at 'crunch time' so you could focus on the older child.

Option B - Children get put into childcare (even the toddler), so you can work (and not be so reliant on paltry handouts) - but then that means he needs to do his share of pickups etc, not be all on you.

It's obvious option A is the right one, unless he is worried you are going to swan off and spend it all on yourself... but if you spend it on the kids...it's his kids!!

Having said that, i would be more concerned about the state of your marriage and the fact he doesn't seem to want to spend any time with you - i have NEVER heard of a husband taking separate holidays, that's crossing a line I think.

I do always wonder - why do women have children with these men. They don't become like this overnight when the children are born, you can see this sort of thing coming (I presume he wasn't home at 6pm every night and doing an equal share at home before this...)... why would you choose this as your life partner and someone to co-parent with?

Exactly, plus 2 kids

You'd get way more in maintenance if you split up. Dump him, he sounds awful.

It's lovely that you can see your end of the bargain as the joy in raising your children, but him criticising your parenting, when he seems yo know sweet FA on the subject, must surely be galling? He's showing that he has no respect for you, let alone any gratitude for your life being what enables him to 'shine' in his job. And then he has the nerve to go on holiday alone and say he's too tired to bathe his child! Your job is 24 hours a day; his is half that. What a selfish man.

Have you looked at the CMS calculator to see how much child maintenance you'd be entitled to if you split up?