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Original poster

hosting duties for overseas relatives

149 replies

derid · 31/08/2024 19:48

an overseas relative we don't see very often is coming to the UK in the Autumn and wants to stay with us for almost two weeks.

A long time, but I said ok as I've said no before a few times and felt guilty and now we have a spare room I didn't have any excuse. They're not known for contributing a cent to the cost of things when here. Two weeks of meals and hot water is A LOt! Anyway, she's now suggesting/hinting strongly that I pick her up and drop back at airport, but timings dont really work and would be a nightmare plus it's terminal 5 Heathrow which is about 90 mins from where I live and a nightmare
drive at the best of
times. She could get the Heathrow express to London and then across tube and back to me. Would it be awful of me to suggest she
finds her own way to our house? She's fit and well and financially sound (but doesn't like to fork out). Also, I was going to take maybe two days off work each week as I can't afford to take anymore
and have taken enough time off this year. Hopefully she's not expecting us to take a fortnight off.
To avoid drip feed... we've not stayed with her and not
planning to (I hate staying in other peoples homes) so not thinking in terms of reciprocal hosting etc

OP posts:
Original poster
derid · 31/08/2024 20:43

anyone? I'm a regular of many years, name changing for obvious reasons though.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 31/08/2024 20:45

I would not collect her and I would not take any time off unless you really want to. Even my own mum had to get the train from Heathrow (and she managed just fine!).

reluctantbrit · 31/08/2024 20:51

No to airport service, send her a detailed description for public transport and a contact to a mini cab company.

Make clear that you will take one day a week off to show her some sights together but otherwise she is free to do what she likes.
I would stock the fridge and then ask her to get things she likes outside what you will do for dinner.

I think people take the mickey to stay more than a long weekend unless they are really willing to be independent and not rely on the host.

Andwegoroundagain · 31/08/2024 20:55

I'd just drop her an email/test saying that you're looking forward to seeing her but to make her aware that you've got no holiday spare so you can't take much time off when she's over and you can't so airport pickups so here's the route you'd recommend.

Definitely set boundaries up front and early !

Keepingongoing · 31/08/2024 20:55

It’s very nice of you to host her. Of course it wouldn’t be awful of you to suggest she makes her own way to you! You could point out it’s an awful journey in the car and say that really, public transport is much more convenient. Maybe say you’re trying to cut down driving and throw in a reference to the c.o.l. (doubt she’ll take the hint but you might be lucky)

I really think when putting up visitors from overseas, you need to feel that you’re allowed to have boundaries. It’s very nice of you to take 2 days of your annual leave each week, you could say that you’ve just got those 2 days so is there anything in particular she fancies doing? And at the same time, suggest that she makes plans to amuse herself on the other weekdays when you’ll be at work.

Good luck! I can anticipate this situation coming up a lot after my parent passes away and can no longer host visiting family, and I honestly dread it.

crockofshite · 31/08/2024 21:02

Keepingongoing · 31/08/2024 20:55

It’s very nice of you to host her. Of course it wouldn’t be awful of you to suggest she makes her own way to you! You could point out it’s an awful journey in the car and say that really, public transport is much more convenient. Maybe say you’re trying to cut down driving and throw in a reference to the c.o.l. (doubt she’ll take the hint but you might be lucky)

I really think when putting up visitors from overseas, you need to feel that you’re allowed to have boundaries. It’s very nice of you to take 2 days of your annual leave each week, you could say that you’ve just got those 2 days so is there anything in particular she fancies doing? And at the same time, suggest that she makes plans to amuse herself on the other weekdays when you’ll be at work.

Good luck! I can anticipate this situation coming up a lot after my parent passes away and can no longer host visiting family, and I honestly dread it.

I wouldn't make excuses about col or available leave etc . Just be very clear about what you can and will do and can't and won't do.

Don't over stock the fridge, ask her to buy food she wants to eat.

No need to feel guilty for not picking her up, she's able bodied and solvent and shouldn't be travelling away from home if she can't look after herself.

JC03745 · 31/08/2024 21:04

If it was an elderly relative with arthritis, a stick etc then yes, I'd collect them, but this doesn't sound the case at all. I've recently had 2, separate relatives stay. 1 has never been to the UK or travelled much- but navigated the tubes and trains to get to us. The other wanted details instructions, times etc. I try to avoid this, because if their train or connections get delayed- this can backfire and be blamed on YOU for the instructions!

I'd make clear boundaries about food/expenses- easier said than done I know. Why should you be out of pocket to fund their free holiday? If you get a home-delivery/take-away, I'd ensure they pay for theirs. Suggest they cook a meal each week for you all. Continue doing your own thing with your own friends etc too. Otherwise it can be mentally draining being the holiday rep in your own house!

Theoldbird · 31/08/2024 21:12

Andwegoroundagain · 31/08/2024 20:55

I'd just drop her an email/test saying that you're looking forward to seeing her but to make her aware that you've got no holiday spare so you can't take much time off when she's over and you can't so airport pickups so here's the route you'd recommend.

Definitely set boundaries up front and early !

Agree with this. Also, you don't need to cater for her for every meal. Let her cook for herself at least some of the time. And every meal doesn't have to be a gourmet dish - an oven pizza or jar sauce and pasta is fine some of the time. She sounds frugal so can hardly complain.

Original poster
derid · 31/08/2024 21:53

thank you. Yes, I know that I need to exert some boundaries. She's somewhat lacking in self awareness and doesn't seem to get that she might be asking quite a lot.

OP posts:
spotddog · 31/08/2024 22:07

Don't forget you have weekend days off so technically giving her four days a week of your time.

She'll probably expect you to pay for days out... Perhaps suggest a few bus tours she could take in her own.

Original poster
derid · 31/08/2024 22:12

I've explained in the past that I have a budget. Actually we're doing ok financially as a family but we still have to be careful and budget and it's kind of embarrassing having to spell that out to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
derid · 31/08/2024 22:23

for context, last visit she wanted to
hang out in London for the weekend and even though we came back to my house very evening it cost me over £500 for a weekend of what she wanted to do. And there was a general assumption that I could afford it, but she didn't check.
When I visit family at home or overseas, I go to see them and it doesn't involve tourist trips or meals out; just being with them is enough really.

OP posts:
Theoldbird · 31/08/2024 22:58

derid · 31/08/2024 22:23

for context, last visit she wanted to
hang out in London for the weekend and even though we came back to my house very evening it cost me over £500 for a weekend of what she wanted to do. And there was a general assumption that I could afford it, but she didn't check.
When I visit family at home or overseas, I go to see them and it doesn't involve tourist trips or meals out; just being with them is enough really.

With entitled people like that, you need to stop caring what they think, and tell her AHEAD OF HER VISIT, 'sorry I can't afford to spend any money on days out like I did last time. we can find free things to do locally.'

if you stop making the visits so comfortable and fun, she might not be so keen to invite herself over next time...

JC03745 · 31/08/2024 23:02

I'd ask what HER plans are and what SHE will be doing. Are there other relatives she could visit? Give her some tourist guides/bus trips/local map etc
I'd have a packed in fortnight for YOURSELF, but keep the details vague. Lunch with Sandra on Thu, taking the kids to XYZ party on Sat, some random appointments added to your calendar just for sanity. Walk in the park, visit a friend, just go shopping alone etc. You could always change plans last minute if you do actually want to take her out, but making is clear from the start that you aren't free, you remain in control.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2024 23:07

derid · 31/08/2024 22:23

for context, last visit she wanted to
hang out in London for the weekend and even though we came back to my house very evening it cost me over £500 for a weekend of what she wanted to do. And there was a general assumption that I could afford it, but she didn't check.
When I visit family at home or overseas, I go to see them and it doesn't involve tourist trips or meals out; just being with them is enough really.

£500?!

What a CF! You need to set out boundaries now!

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2024 23:44

Just tell her she’ll need to make her own way back and forth to your house and that won’t be able to take time off to go out on excursions with her. Tell her she’ll need to go to the local supermarket for food and give her directions. Surely you’ll be working so not available.

Original poster
derid · 01/09/2024 08:17

thank you. I will tell her, but I wish she'd have the awareness to understand some social niceties, so I didn't have to continually push back against her desire to do whatever she likes, without thinking of the expense. She didn't contribute a penny to the household food shop last time she visited.

OP posts:
ForgotThePlantsAgain · 01/09/2024 08:37

Is she coming to see you primarily or using you as somewhere to stay while she does her own thing?

Original poster
derid · 01/09/2024 08:45

ForgotThePlantsAgain · 01/09/2024 08:37

Is she coming to see you primarily or using you as somewhere to stay while she does her own thing?

seeing me but has a thing in London for a couple of days, work related. The there and back between here and London, I expect there will be a suggestion that I provide transport. About 12 days where she'll be here with no plans. Only last time she came, she didn't want to sit still or do anything too boring. Every time we went out it involved expenditure. I don't mind a day or two of that , (as long as it's not 2 days in London with train/food/show/drinks costs like last time. )

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 01/09/2024 08:46

You need to speak up before she comes and say you can’t afford to pay for her entertainment whilst she’s here.

Make it very clear.

she didn't want to sit still or do anything too boring.

You: how about a walk to the park today, it’s a lovely day.
Her: that’s boring, I want to go to a show, dinner, then out for drinks.
You: I can’t afford that. Do you want to go and do those alone or shall we go to the park as I suggested?

How did the events happen where you paid £500 for her weekend?

ForgotThePlantsAgain · 01/09/2024 08:47

Honestly the work thing she sorts herself out - make sure you are busy on those days so she has to.

The other days, be on the front foot with suggestions that you're willing to do / are within your budget.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 01/09/2024 08:49

Do you have DC @derid? I used to be so accommodating and often financially out of pocket then I came to the realisation that I was spending money my DC could benefit from on tight arsed relatives looking for a free holiday.

I would say yes welcome but unfortunately Monday to Friday cereal, toast, porridge, yogurt and fruit etc available for all as breakfast but then your on your own for lunch as we have nursery/school/work. Midweek dinners are pasta, cottage pie, chilli etc as busy busy busy. DC have pre paid and rather expensive hobbies at the weekend so Saturdays much the same I’m afraid - but with curry or pizza! Do you have somewhere you would like to visit with us one Sunday? For the other may I suggest a walk on ‘the Heath, the park etc’ with the DC and a kite/feed the ducks/scoot followed by a hot chocolate? 😇🍁🍂.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/09/2024 08:53

What age is she? And is she from the UK, or does your family come from another country where it is the norm to host relatives, and she has done her share of this?

I would make clear that she is welcome to stay but that you will be working, and if she can't occupy herself she would be better staying with someone who is less busy.

MissBPotter · 01/09/2024 08:54

I don’t think I’d take any time off work for her especially based on the fact that she’s likely to expect you to take her out somewhere each day, thereby costing you a fortune! Just say you’ve used all your annual leave. I think also give her instructions for using the tube. She sounds like a pain in the arse, I can’t believe that people think it’s ok to contribute nothing and be taken out constantly. Honestly I think you should say to her that you haven’t budgeted to take her out anywhere and suggest she pays a certain amount for groceries etc. Or tell her where the nearest shops are!

Original poster
derid · 01/09/2024 08:55

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 01/09/2024 08:49

Do you have DC @derid? I used to be so accommodating and often financially out of pocket then I came to the realisation that I was spending money my DC could benefit from on tight arsed relatives looking for a free holiday.

I would say yes welcome but unfortunately Monday to Friday cereal, toast, porridge, yogurt and fruit etc available for all as breakfast but then your on your own for lunch as we have nursery/school/work. Midweek dinners are pasta, cottage pie, chilli etc as busy busy busy. DC have pre paid and rather expensive hobbies at the weekend so Saturdays much the same I’m afraid - but with curry or pizza! Do you have somewhere you would like to visit with us one Sunday? For the other may I suggest a walk on ‘the Heath, the park etc’ with the DC and a kite/feed the ducks/scoot followed by a hot chocolate? 😇🍁🍂.

just one at home (others are adults) and she's a young teen so pretty self sufficient now. Relative has quite a dynamic life, travels lots and doesn't have kids, so I always feel like the poor relative when I have to talk about budgets and finances and she doesn't. Funny thing is, she could afford to pay for both of us on occasion but she never ever would. I wouldn't expect it as I'm happy to do local/free/cheaper, but if she wanted to, she could, without thinking.

OP posts: