hosting duties for overseas relatives

[derid]

an overseas relative we don't see very often is coming to the UK in the Autumn and wants to stay with us for almost two weeks.

A long time, but I said ok as I've said no before a few times and felt guilty and now we have a spare room I didn't have any excuse. They're not known for contributing a cent to the cost of things when here. Two weeks of meals and hot water is A LOt! Anyway, she's now suggesting/hinting strongly that I pick her up and drop back at airport, but timings dont really work and would be a nightmare plus it's terminal 5 Heathrow which is about 90 mins from where I live and a nightmare
drive at the best of
times. She could get the Heathrow express to London and then across tube and back to me. Would it be awful of me to suggest she
finds her own way to our house? She's fit and well and financially sound (but doesn't like to fork out). Also, I was going to take maybe two days off work each week as I can't afford to take anymore
and have taken enough time off this year. Hopefully she's not expecting us to take a fortnight off.
To avoid drip feed... we've not stayed with her and not
planning to (I hate staying in other peoples homes) so not thinking in terms of reciprocal hosting etc

I wouldn’t be doing this.

I’d reply, ‘if that’s too overwhelming for you, I understand if you’d rather cancel your trip. I will be working for most of it anyway, so you will need to be using public transport to visit places quite a lot anyway.’

thanks. I'm going to be assertive but I'd rather not have to. It would be much better if she just tried to understand and use some common sense and politeness as to what constitutes a good guest!

What constitutes a good guest or host can be cultural, affected by previous experience being different and all sorts so you just have to be clear

I used to be a self absorbed clueless traveler when I was in my 20s and luckily my distant family members who hadn’t met me since I was a kid were very accommodating. I was welcomed everywhere even though I was probably an irritating house guest 🤣

it's assumed/implied that she'll be picked up.
I think she just doesn't get it At all.
I've tried fo think what I'd do in reverse. I don't stay in people's homes and when I do it's only for a couple of nights max, but if I was going somewhere for a fortnight, I'd not assume they were able to
not work on a week day and do a 3 hour trip to pick me up from the airport! Why do people think it's ok to do
this when they've been offered two weeks of free accommodation?!!!! 🤣😭🤣

I had a similar situation once and paid my teenage son to go and collect relative and bring them back on public transport. Strict instructions to help them buy their own ticket from the machine, but not to pay for anything.

it's assumed/implied that she'll be picked up.
But only by her. Respond by saying you're working/busy that day, but you'll be in HOME later to meet her

So frustrating when people don't get it 🙄

it's assumed/implied that she'll be picked up.

Only by her. You need to man up here. You haven’t implied it and you’re working. Say no.

Or just do it but don’t then complain because that’s entirely your choice to go!

‘Don’t be silly everyone catches the tube from Heathrow, we aren’t your backwater cities without decent public transport, it’s easy peasy. I can’t get the time off work so if you really can’t go along with all the other tourists you can always get a cab.’

and practice responding to her suggestions ‘well sure if you’re paying it does sound lovely. Not in my budget sorry.’

If you don't want to collect her, you don't want to share your space/washing machine/time, and you don't want to partake in her activities, this will be a very resentful visit. Best to suggest she stays in an Air BnB.

I had similar to you when family members hinted at paying for everything, doing amazing things, not intruding, when they were coming to stay at mine for several weeks. They, too, had interspersed it with activity in London.

In the end i packed them off to an Air BnB. I made it clear I need my home space for my DCs and work, showed them various timetables, suggested things to do. I did pick them up from the airport a couple of times & reminded them of ULEZ charges. I met up with them for various lunches & dinners which they sometimes paid & I sometimes did.

If you already know that you will never stay at theirs & never need their hospitality- then be ruthless!

I've just had a look and a single from heathrow to paddington is £25. The rail fare from the mainline station to ours is £25. The taxi would be £80 if so if prebooked. Either way she has to pay unless I fill the petrol tank with fuel and take a morning off work! Thanks for reinforcing the fact that she's asking too much and that it's not the height of bad manners for me to refuse to collect her from the airport. For a few extra bob she can get a door to door pick up.

Maybe articulate this to her - she has implied but it rests on you to say and set the boundary.

"I'd love to help by collecting you from the airport, but I'm working x til x and 90 minutes there and 90 minutes back = 1.5 hours. Why don't you get the bus/train at x pm and I will prepare dinner/book a table a x for us when you arrive?"

Or not even a question:
"It would be helpful if...
I would prefer it if..."

Hold your boundaries firm. Reply back with “it’s not that bad, but of course you can always book yourself a taxi. Here are a few numbers, here’s our address. I should be home from work by x pm to let you in when you arrive.”

looking at the costs involved it's almost the same cost for me to drive there and back plus airport parking etc as it would cost her in a taxi! I will hold firm and set boundaries.

well not almost the same, but a big expense to park and petrol etc

“Dear X, so sorry but we have had a bit of an emergency situation come up and now have a close friend staying with us in our spare room so we are no longer able to host you. I am sure you understand, would love to meet up for dinner when you are here, let us know where you are staying. Once again apologies, but you sometimes life just gets in the way of the best laid plans 😊”.

Presumably her air fare is paid for by her business and she is getting free accommodation.
I'd tell her how much a taxi costs and leave her to it.

I had to laugh as our allegedly self sufficient guests who were going to stay in hotels and rent a car have now presumably checked the cost of things so are indeed staying with us, but I genuinely can't drive them places so I just need to leave them to it.

Oh dear, she sounds a right pain. My husband has family in the US and whilst some of them are very reasonable and understanding, some of them have been very entitled.

Hold firm on no airport lift. Any pushback just re- send details for Heathrow Express and a taxi number. Don't pre book taxi for her if she asks as they may well want payment up front from you. She can't make you go and collect her. She may think it's unwelcoming but given how thick skinned she sounds I wouldn't worry too much.

Don't take any more time off work than you want to. If she asks just say annual leave is very limited. Americans don't get much leave, she should understand that!

Be clear that you don't have much disposable income and while you're happy to go out and do local free stuff with her when you're able, you can't do costly stuff and no London trips (or just one if you're willing) though you're very happy for her to use your home as a base while she goes off and does other stuff.

Tell her you'll get breakfast stuff in so she can fix herself what she wants but as you'll be working she'll need to make her own arrangements for lunch. For dinners just tell her what your usual offer will be and that she's welcome to join or not but let you know. Sorry you can't stretch to eating out regularly this time.

Good luck.

Yep even if it was half the price ... doesn't matter

"Hi, sorry it seems overwhelming to take trains but they are honestly super straightforward. But you can always take a cab if you refer door to door. I find this company xxx super reliable "

But she won't. You need to stop thinking like that as it'll just add to the frustration. She won't change how she is, so you have to change your approach to her. She can expect a lift all she wants but how you respond to that - and therefore if the lift does or doesn't happen - is completely in your control.
Practice a few responses along the 'that doesn't work for me' lines. No I won't be able to collect you/ drop you off, I have work. I can't afford to do X in London but I can't wait to hear about it when you get back/ but we could do X free thing instead. Our budget won't cover that. I'm working that day but perhaps you could pop out and get a nice bottle of wine for dinner.
You might feel the need to soften it all a bit but don't start prefacing with apologies or feeling like you need to justify your boundaries.
What's the worst that can happen? She doesn't have the pampered time she was expecting and doesn't want to stay again?!

I'm an immigrant 'and' we have the only grandchildren so we have grandparents in and out of our house for weeks and weeks of the year. I used to bend over backwards but now I just set expectations ahead of time and leave them to it. My life is busy and we don't have tons of spare cash either so I just have to be honest.

To be fair to her - if you've never mentioned it and haven't told her clearly that this setup isn't working, there's no reason she'd know. Everyone isn't empathetic and it sounds like her life is very different to yours. She might not be intentionally hurtful - just has no idea!

@PurpleThistle7 I've told her on previous visits but she managed to talk me around by being persistent. Not this time though!

I think you stand very firm on the "no pick up" thing as this will set the tone for her stay. I reckon you may be in for a few awkward days until she gets the idea, but she will most likely adapt.

What you're doing/saying is fine. Be VERY up front though because I think if she "thinks" you'll be doing loads of expensive things with her, she'll think you're rude when you don't:

"I'm working X&Y day so you'll need to sort yourself out"
"I'll thought we'd go do X this day as I'll be off"
"I'll be in for tea Z day and thought I'd take you to (cafe) - my treat"
"I'll be out with friends ... day"