hosting duties for overseas relatives

[derid]

an overseas relative we don't see very often is coming to the UK in the Autumn and wants to stay with us for almost two weeks.

A long time, but I said ok as I've said no before a few times and felt guilty and now we have a spare room I didn't have any excuse. They're not known for contributing a cent to the cost of things when here. Two weeks of meals and hot water is A LOt! Anyway, she's now suggesting/hinting strongly that I pick her up and drop back at airport, but timings dont really work and would be a nightmare plus it's terminal 5 Heathrow which is about 90 mins from where I live and a nightmare
drive at the best of
times. She could get the Heathrow express to London and then across tube and back to me. Would it be awful of me to suggest she
finds her own way to our house? She's fit and well and financially sound (but doesn't like to fork out). Also, I was going to take maybe two days off work each week as I can't afford to take anymore
and have taken enough time off this year. Hopefully she's not expecting us to take a fortnight off.
To avoid drip feed... we've not stayed with her and not
planning to (I hate staying in other peoples homes) so not thinking in terms of reciprocal hosting etc

OP, you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You could maybe experiment with just choosing not to feel guilty. It is possible and is very liberating.

I'm getting better at it. A benefit of menopause!

It came to me late too! This trip is the perfect opportunity to refine your skills. I do think if you are going to go ahead with it, it would be good to lay the ground a little as pps have suggested, so that your guest is forewarned. Obvs whether she chooses to adjust her behaviour is another matter.

I would make it abundantly clear youve no leave left to do pick up or sight seeing . I think with these entitled kind of people, you have to be very clear . Just have usual stuff in Fridge and your usual meals with an extra portion for them, etc .

Stand firm OP

Also came to say that I don’t think you would be unreasonable to say
“hi relative. Are you eating meals with us? If so £100 for the 2 weeks towards food would be great”

any grumbles just say
“it’s lovely to have you here, but maybe a hotel the next time?” Etc.

honestly some cheeky fuckery

I agree with @Soozikinzii re food.
And if she suddenly becomes very picky whilst not contributing - only eats organic/vegan/can't eat this or that tell her that's fine, but she'll have to buy it herself.

“I’m a bit concerned that you and I have very different expectations about this visit. I thought you were going to come and go using public transport as I’ll be working when you’re here. That means I can’t join you for lots of activities. I had the impression that you would be self sufficient for this trip. I don’t know why you thought we would be able to transport you around, we have been generous enough to offer you a place to stay for the time. We agreed to this on the basis that you are an experienced traveler who would not need us to be around that much during the stay.”

How about that? Too much or enough to use to set yourself up for the visit?

Two can play the overwhelmed game. Tell her 'work is v busy, homelife is busy, I'm feeling overwhelmed. not at all in a position to host but have made an exception for you. Definitely can't add to my overwhelming list of things to do by taking time off to do airport trips.'

This is her leisure time, the only stressful thing she needs to do is make her own way to and from the airport. You need to out-overwhelm her. And if she has to lug her case of rocks to and from the airport, maybe she'll think twice about visiting next time...

@Theoldbird ah yes, I do like the idea of out outwhelming her. Can be used on all occasions. "I demand you drive me into London and go out for dinner and a show with me." Run your hands through your hair and look worried, ideally start crying "It's too much, I can't bear the stress of driving into London. I don't think you know the pressure I'm under, also financial."

I think there’s some risk in playing the more overwhelmed tactic

1 they will insist on still coming in order to “help” but actually be a complete pain for the duration and probably not help at all

2 it looks like the op is not in control. I think it’s better to show you have control over the situation and have a right to say that the situation doesn’t suit you, and it demonstrates boundaries have been well thought through and are for good reason.

for setting expectations now - in a way the cheeky relative has given @derid a golden opportunity to show that it’s her home her rules and that a guest can’t take advantage

I wouldn’t be overwhelmed, I’d just be clear with my boundaries.

1. you are working
2. you can’t afford expensive days out.

Keep reiterating those.

Knock this on the head now

Tell your annoying entitled relative your house has burned down, your children have been taken into care, your husband has run off with the neighbours au pair and you're staying on a friends couch, so now isn't a great time for a visit.

🤣🤣🤣

Isn’t it a shame that if they are overwhelmed by the prospect of using public transport that your home may not be the best choice for a place to stay? Perhaps somewhere more central to where they will be working and then sightseeing would suit them better.

"I do feel bad about not collecting from heathrow,"

Don't.

We have relatives in several different continents who visit from time to time. We've never picked them up from Heathrow, even when we lived fairly near. The latest visitor made it on public transport from Heathrow, to a hotel in London, to our place, then round various other family members, with luggage for 3 weeks, having flown halfway across the US, and across the Atlantic in Economy. Took it in his stride, not at all overwhelmed. He's 88.

Op, it sounds like you have been over accommodating and a bit mealy mouthed about what you can and cannot do. You need to be honest now and insist on what you can do. Maybe your relative will understand if you are more honest.

Covid rates are super high right now so I would ask her to wear a mask on the plane.

we recently had a relative come to stay and they unfortunately got Covid on the plane and then we all got it. Not their fault but it wasn’t the best

the other thing I do when we have guests is use the opportunity to do things I want to do but maybe haven’t got round to doing. We have similar tastes anyway but it makes it more fun I think!

From reading the rest of your OP it does sound that she just expects deferential treatment from you and I am wondering why you think you have to give it? She doesn't sound like a particularly close relative but even so she is completely lacking in self awareness but this doesn't mean you have to compensate for.

Why are you accommodating her anyway if she is not that close?

when I started this thread I expected lots of people to say they frequently collect their relatives from Heathrow and other airports. The distance and the fact that it's Heathrow is a big part of it. Luton or Stansted much closer and easier to access. Heathrow is a massive pain. The two week thing too. An extended weekend or week even, I could plan to be around more and entertain. But two weeks... nope. I work. I need time to decompress and I can't take two weeks off work.
Never again.

I think the trick is to work out what you are happy to offer (and would seem reasonable to a reasonable person) and stick to that.

You are already clear no pick ups and drop offs at Heathrow. If making her own way is not acceptable to her with your guidence on options she will need to stay elsewhere.

If you add to this the time you are happy to be available e.g whole weekend and 2 days annual leave. How much you can spend on outings. Food arrangements ( normal family meals available and it would be lovely if she would pay for a weekly take away or meal out as her contribution to food costs) plus other help (e.g.welcome to use washing machine, help self to drinks and breakfast - you may be able to do lifts to local station if not at work)

You don't even need to communicate all of this to her in advance just remind yourself this is reasonable so no guilt needed and any boundary is sensible for your circumstances and not unkind.

I’m guessing that you’re around the north side of the M25 and up the M11 or M1 kind of way, in which case you are definitely right not to go to Heathrow! Awful journey by car even on a “good” run, which would be better described as not terrible.

have you replied to the “overwhelmed” message yet?

You're making it far too easy for her and far too hard on yourself. Why are you putting her in front of you and your family? We live overseas and it's amazing how easy people think it is for us to pick them up from the airport, take time off etc. Sad truth is as soon as we stopped making it so easy for them to visit they stopped visiting. Hard to accept they didn't actually want to see us very much...it was just the cheap holiday. Cheap because I was subsidising it!!!

yep and it looks as though it's resolved. For now! I feel good that I just spoke directly, for the point and didn't apologise. I have a tendency to apologise when I don't have to. I didn't apologise once this time!

OP, YANBU. I live fairly close to Stansted and Luton airport so would happily pick up a relative from either airport but Heathrow? Absolutely no way unless said relative was incapacitated somehow or a young adult child returning from travels. Even if it were my husband I'd say no, he'd be getting a cab or the train and he wouldn't even request it in the first place! And vice versa. So absolutely stick to your guns on not picking them up.

As for the 2 week stay, madness!! I don't live day trip close to most of my family so when they visit (or if I visit them) it is usually at least a 4 night stay - even then there is a semblance of normal life carrying on, bonkers if this relative expects you to be full on hosting day in day out. Don't let her stay again.