hosting duties for overseas relatives

[derid]

an overseas relative we don't see very often is coming to the UK in the Autumn and wants to stay with us for almost two weeks.

A long time, but I said ok as I've said no before a few times and felt guilty and now we have a spare room I didn't have any excuse. They're not known for contributing a cent to the cost of things when here. Two weeks of meals and hot water is A LOt! Anyway, she's now suggesting/hinting strongly that I pick her up and drop back at airport, but timings dont really work and would be a nightmare plus it's terminal 5 Heathrow which is about 90 mins from where I live and a nightmare
drive at the best of
times. She could get the Heathrow express to London and then across tube and back to me. Would it be awful of me to suggest she
finds her own way to our house? She's fit and well and financially sound (but doesn't like to fork out). Also, I was going to take maybe two days off work each week as I can't afford to take anymore
and have taken enough time off this year. Hopefully she's not expecting us to take a fortnight off.
To avoid drip feed... we've not stayed with her and not
planning to (I hate staying in other peoples homes) so not thinking in terms of reciprocal hosting etc

there are no cultural issues and she's a very young acting, fit sixty something. She's American.

As a regular surely you know what MN will say.... Stop being such a wet wipe😂 establish boundaries.
Personally even if I was a millionaire I don't like CF's and wouldn't want to give them a free holiday.

It's YOUR house, YOUR rules. Don't buy her any food, she can just stay over but no more, you are busy people and not her personal concierge. She fits into YOUR schedule not the other way around.

Also I'd have told her the spare room was unavailable. You didn't HAVE to allow her to stay but it's too late now. Just use that excuse next time.

Update : Aren't Americans supposed to be blunt and straightforward? In which case just tell her house rules are guest buys their own food. Point out the cost of other accomodation that she's getting for free she's already winning.

No need to be so British

yes! 🤣 Next time; the spare room will
be in use, for sure.

You should absolutely set boundaries ahead of time. So drop a message saying "hey relative, just to let you know I can't take much time off due to work and also I'm pretty strapped for cash si I can't join you on any big days out. Sorry but cost of living crisis and all that"

yes, I will do that. I don't usually have to put boundaries in place with my family and friends as they understand what's acceptable and what isn't and they don't make assumptions.

I mean, at no point in her texts to arrange her visit has this relative asked what I want to do and what my plans are. She didn't even mention it would be a fortnight until she'd almost booked the tickets and then just casually mentioned it. I mean i don't know if it's an American thing and Americans are more open to longer term house guests, but anything more than a week is an extreme sport for me!

So at any point since she’s told you she’s coming, have you told her that you

-wont be doing expensive things due to lack of money.
-won’t be taking time off work.

?

I'd be clear about funds being a bit tight at the beginning. If she's staying for 2 weeks then she needs to be paying for things. I'm going to go against the flow and say I would pick her up and drop her off. I lived in London for many years and routinely did this for visitors. it also demonstrates hospitality without costing the earth.

yes, I've told her both and she's not really acknowledged what I said and will no doubt try to bulldoze through her own preferences when she arrives (long ago experience with others and similar situations , I'll have to be downright blunt verging on rude to make my point stick)

Nothing says money is tight than NOT picking them up at the airport: a good place to start.

Tell her she’s welcome to stay but you’re busy with work and she mustn’t expect to be “hosted”. No, you can’t pick her up: it’s quicker by public transport anyway. See you at the house on whatever date.

it's a 3 hour round trip from my house to the airport, on a work day (I'd have to take day off) whereas she could get the Heathrow express across to the tube and then train to mine. Or a taxi.

I am extremely selective now as to who comes to stay, particularly after a 50 ish Canadian cousin who I’d never even met before stayed for 10 days, was very well fed and taken to see the London sights, and barely ever put his hand in his pocket.

At his request, dd1, early 30s, took him on a pub crawl, and eventually had to say, ‘Your round now!’ - he was too tight even to offer to buy her a drink.

After he left there was not so much as an email to say thank you.

Doesn’t sound like you do “push back”.

Set it out clearly NOW. She will need to contribute to the household and food and you won’t be spending money on days out. If she’s not wanting that she will need to make other arrangements.

And a friend from abroad, who I do actually like, always expects dh to pick her up from Heathrow, even when she’s landing in the very early morning - it’s a good 45 minute drive for us. She just will not take taxis, ever, and not from any lack of money - before anyone asks, yes, I do know that she can well afford them.

Dh is willing enough - he’s often too nice! - but if that were me in those circs, I wouldn’t dream of expecting anyone to turn out so early - and in the PITA rush hour on the way back.

At home I know she always expects one of her adult dcs to take to/fetch her from the airport, even if it means getting up at 5 am before a long day’s work. She just takes it for granted that they are willing to save her however much she’s too tight to spend.

She's saving enough on her accommodation to be able to arrange her own transport from the airport, if she's arriving late at night she's saving enough to book a night in an airport hotel. If you are clear what you will provide then she's left in no doubt what she has to sort out herself. If she wants to do something touristy and expensive then she can do it by herself, if she does so much travelling she should be able to manage getting from A to B by public transport.

Family life goes on, homework, kid's activities, playdates, laundry - maybe they could be put aside if she was coming for a day but not two weeks.

She takes it for granted because they, including your husband, KEEP DOING IT!

saying no doesn't come easy to me, but I can do it. It's taken practise over the years. but what I resent is the lack of awareness from people who must at some level realise that they're imposing, but don't care.

and yes, the easy way out for next time is to say no from the start!

You can’t change anyone else’s behaviour, only your own.

CFs can only CF if others let them.

Of course, but as long as he’s able to drive, never will he ever suggest that she might like to take a cab!

As I said, too nice.

As others have said, very firm boundaries from the very beginning! Don't take a day off to pick her up from the airport. Don't take days off in the week, she can entertain herself. Oh and if she wants to eat out or whatever, make it clear that the tab isn't on you! CFer.

She seems to be forgetting that although she's on holiday, you're not. We've got overseas relatives and when they come over, they do stay in another part of the country, but expect us to be available whenever they decide they'd like to see us. We are then seen as being awkward if we can't just drop our daily lives, work etc to fit in with their holiday plans.

Did she pay for her share of these pricey days out?

yes @Theoldbird she paid for herself
but it still set me back a fair whack which I couldn't really afford at the time (or now) and there was just an assumption that I could
pay. I did have to say no when we were out a few times because despite having already splurged loads on stuff she'd see another option for us to do which cost 💵💵💵