hosting duties for overseas relatives

[derid]

an overseas relative we don't see very often is coming to the UK in the Autumn and wants to stay with us for almost two weeks.

A long time, but I said ok as I've said no before a few times and felt guilty and now we have a spare room I didn't have any excuse. They're not known for contributing a cent to the cost of things when here. Two weeks of meals and hot water is A LOt! Anyway, she's now suggesting/hinting strongly that I pick her up and drop back at airport, but timings dont really work and would be a nightmare plus it's terminal 5 Heathrow which is about 90 mins from where I live and a nightmare
drive at the best of
times. She could get the Heathrow express to London and then across tube and back to me. Would it be awful of me to suggest she
finds her own way to our house? She's fit and well and financially sound (but doesn't like to fork out). Also, I was going to take maybe two days off work each week as I can't afford to take anymore
and have taken enough time off this year. Hopefully she's not expecting us to take a fortnight off.
To avoid drip feed... we've not stayed with her and not
planning to (I hate staying in other peoples homes) so not thinking in terms of reciprocal hosting etc

yes and I think I'm going to have to go on and on and on to get the message home because she forgets what you said or (deliberately) misinterprets information or tries to talk you around.
I'm not sure if it's through ignorance,
lack of self awareness or dgaf attitude, but the end result is the same. I need to stick to my guns and shut her down!

Reply back with “it’ll also be overwhelming for me to drive to airport after work with all the evening traffic” I can’t get day off so you’ll be waiting ages for me and you’ll be here before I even got to you - so here are the train details ……… or for a little extra you can get a cab , best to pre book for a better price.”

if she comes back with anything about cost then you say “yes I know , it would cost me almost that when I consider petrol, parking and taking time off”

Just be factual and do r get into long excuses etc..

Simply say that you can't get the time off work. She can't argue with that.

Oh that “overwhelming” comment tells you everything: she knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. She’s expecting you to look after her, maybe because she’s used to it with you or because she’s used to it with everyone. Add to that that she invited herself and never pays for you: hell would freeze over before I took any time off for her, spent more than I wanted to on her. She’d have my spare room and whatever else I had to spare after my normal life - that’s it.

Cheeky fuckers are the absolute worst.

I love some of these responses. I would definitely go with the "I'm sure you would be absolutely fine. But you can always get a taxi instead, here's the number for a company you can call when you arrive. Should cost about £75-80."

Be polite but firm, she'll get the picture.

TBH I think I'd rather bin her off altogether.

"Actually, I'm finding the idea of having you stay at our home at all rather overwhelming, so I'm not doing it. Have a nice life."

gosh, you've no idea how tempting this idea sounds 🤣🤣

Go for it. Your relative is a user who is very comfortable with using your money and time for her pleasure, she's not remotely interested in you or your welfare, just what she can get out of you!

Do you need or even want such a person in your life?

There's a tremendous freedom in saying NO. Trust me!

Would it be any loss to you if you never saw or heard from this person ever again?

'She's suggesting this will be "overwhelming"
'Unfortunately, I can't take the time off this time, and someone as well travelled as you will navigate it fine!
'You could take the train or a taxi to ours. I also won't be able to take time off during your visit, so I understand if you'd prefer to stay with Aunt Joan or visit other friends during your visit and we could arrange day to meet up with you when I'm free from work' 😉

Crikey! I live in London about an hour or so from Heathrow and Gatwick. I never pick people up! Well once when son returned on a delayed flight and missed the last tube. My 67 yo cousin gets herself here no issues. So much easier than driving. Stand firm OP. Driving in London is awful and the train is easier quicker and a lot less stressful. Offer to meet her at your local station.

Do bear in mind that some businesses pay expenses to employees when they stay with relatives and they are not using a hotel. She may be getting a daily allowance per day from work.

Might be useful to drop into conversation as to the cost of petrol versus that in the USA.... most American's have zero idea of just how much more expensive it is here unless they are regular travellers who hire cars.

I think you need to put something in writing to her so you can refer back to it over and over. You've said she's coming in the Autumn but not when. She has return flights from Heathrow and if what you are offering doesn't suit her she has plenty of time to make other arrangements.

Dear X

In light of our recent messages and thinking back to your last visit I think ti would be helpful to clarify my expectations around your visit. I don't want you to be disappointed when you arrive and would prefer to be clear about what I can do and to give you time to make other arrangements or changes to your plans if you prefer.

While I am looking forward to seeing you and catching up, I am very constrained in terms of both budget and available time. Work is exceptionally busy and I have used all my available leave over the school holidays to cover childcare [aside from two/a few days at Christmas]. My working hours are 9-5 and I am not in position to finish early on any working day during your visit/I have arranged with my line manager to take a half day on the basis that I do overtime to make up the time/so will only be available on weekends. If I collect you from the airport that will use up that entire negotiated time off allowed. I would much prefer to spend an afternoon with you.

I also have a very constrained budget right now. I know that things have also grown tighter in the USA but we are currently barely living within our means. I will not be able to accompany you on nights out in restaurants, theatres etc and pay my way as I did last time. I would rather not accept your hospitality when I have no realistic prospect of returning it.

You are very welcome to use the house as a base to get out and about or to travel to and from other locations in the UK/Europe during your time here, and to join us for family meals. It would be great to catch up and for you to spend time with DH and the kids.

At this stage I would make an excuse and pull out. I don't think anything you say or do is going to turn your relative into a considerate guest, and two weeks of her pushing your boundaries is going to be really stressful for you. There is every chance that this is just not a good experience for anyone.

That’s a great message TreadSofly
I wish I had your tact and clarity with relatives. I think we can assume malice sometimes when people are just a bit clueless and think everybody else lives the way they do.
Sometimes my retired relatives ask me to do things for other more distant relatives on their behalf that would take literally days and days out of my life and completely disrupt my caring responsibilities at home. It’s well meant but not realistic. Frank but kind conversation keeping healthy boundaries, seems like the way forward.

I was wondering about this. I'm sure her trip will be funded to a large extent, OP.

That message is just a long winded version of "your trip is a complete inconvenience and I wish you weren't coming"

If I received that kind of formality and detail of how inconvenient I am from one of my kids, I'd be devastated.

If course she can't expect to be picked up from the airport. Of course she can't expect OP and spouse to be available to entertain her all the time, just as I wouldn't. But having it spelled out in detail like a business letter? I'd be in tears.

It's not a parent - you'd probably suck it up if it were.

It's a random relative who's invited themselves on an extended business trip for the 2nd time in a few years? They're not close, she has no real awareness of the financial circs of the OP and chooses to make herself as inconvenient as it suits her. Yes it's formal but it's just a suggested form of words.

Ah. My mistake. It's a while since I read the OP and was just catching up on recent posts. I forgot that it was a random relative. Apologies.

I am with her re getting from the airport. I’m not suggesting that you collect her but I am a seasoned traveler and stopped doing the tube with luggage years ago, not every station is step free. Is Heathrow Express then an Uber not an option?

No point sending a long message, OP says the relative tends to ignore what she says.
Actions speak louder than words.
"Oh Edna you're a lot more capable than you think, I'm sure you can manage the journey. If not an Uber will cost you around £70-80."

She will get the bigger picture without OP saying a word, when her usual attempts to get her to pick her up fail.

thank you all. yes, an uber might be best between paddington and our mainline station. It would help if she travelled lighter but last time she came the case felt like it had rocks in it and was massive!
I do feel bad about not collecting from heathrow, which is mad I know, but alongside the fact I'm working and would
need to book more time off to do it, (which I would do for a short visit of an extended weekend or a week even), I also don't like driving on the M25 and around Heathrow and the car parks aren't easy to navigate either. And extortionate. The thought of it stresses me out.
Thanks for all your replies.

Repeat after me "I'm not wasting a day of my holiday driving to the airport".

She's getting free accommodation - she can afford a taxi the whole way. If she chooses not to do that then that's fine, that would be her choice to use public transport. Whatever she chooses to do is up to her but she doesn't get to choose that you collect her.

well she can't physically make me drive there and back to collect her but I don't think I've heard the end of the "overwhelmed" messages and guilt trips (it works, I feel guilty, still sticking to my guns)