hosting duties for overseas relatives

[derid]

an overseas relative we don't see very often is coming to the UK in the Autumn and wants to stay with us for almost two weeks.

A long time, but I said ok as I've said no before a few times and felt guilty and now we have a spare room I didn't have any excuse. They're not known for contributing a cent to the cost of things when here. Two weeks of meals and hot water is A LOt! Anyway, she's now suggesting/hinting strongly that I pick her up and drop back at airport, but timings dont really work and would be a nightmare plus it's terminal 5 Heathrow which is about 90 mins from where I live and a nightmare
drive at the best of
times. She could get the Heathrow express to London and then across tube and back to me. Would it be awful of me to suggest she
finds her own way to our house? She's fit and well and financially sound (but doesn't like to fork out). Also, I was going to take maybe two days off work each week as I can't afford to take anymore
and have taken enough time off this year. Hopefully she's not expecting us to take a fortnight off.
To avoid drip feed... we've not stayed with her and not
planning to (I hate staying in other peoples homes) so not thinking in terms of reciprocal hosting etc

Just keep repeating yourself-‘as I said, I am on a budget and just can’t afford this’.

I think you need to use and internalise) the phrase ... welcome to use our home as a base. As far as her expecting much more from you, in your own head decide that she is with you on a Air B&B, you wouldn't drop everything for them.

Send her a message to say that you've just discovered the cat you house sat for a week had fleas and while you've treated the house to make sure to bring some thick socks to tuck her trousers into as the little buggers are everywhere and you can't get exterminators in for weeks..

Make a meal plan assuming you are going to need some extra ££ to host her. Post it somewhere prominently. Hope that it's enough to encourage her to eat out on her days out but if you have a plan, then stick to it.

As for the rest, the school hols have just finished. You can't take MORE time off for months.

Not possible to do airport pick ups. Too many other commitments at the same time.

You cannot change her behaviour, only yours. It is magical thinking to hope she’s going to realise this time. Be clear!

‘Welcome to use our home as a base’ is a great way to phrase that. Implies the appropriate level of self sufficiency.

My long stay visitors are elderly and can’t drive or use public transport so while I miss them and love seeing them I also really wish we lived closer because I find the holiday repping very tiring. It’s made me subscribe to all my local ‘what’s on’ sources and I keep a list of local attractions in my phone, so I can suggest those, which helps. But relaxed hosting isn’t easy to do even though I know in future I will feel glad we did it.

Have her to stay but don’t collect her from the airport and definitely don’t take any time off work! She can fit in with your life.

And take fewer days off - your time is precious and you want to save it for your immediate family.

”Hi Auntie Jean, I can take Monday 5 and Monday 12 off. Unfortunately we arent able to pick you up from the airport but do
take the Heathrow express and it’s all very easy. I’m on a budget so how about x or y free museum and I’m afraid I won’t be able to do a show this time - unless you feel like treating me! “

She’s definitely cheeky and oblivious- hard to tell if deliberately and knowingly or not. But it doesn’t make much difference at your end!

As an American she may well not think a 90 minute drive is at all a big issue - they’re much more used to long drives and that wouldn’t likely register as “too far” for many, plus public transport is far less common in many areas, so this may need very clear spelling out - “it isn’t possible for us to collect you from the airport, we would always do x route on Heathrow express”.

My parents come from Australia all the time from their 60s to now their 70s. I remember one trip I offered to get my dad and he said no he'll do public transport - and I realised when he showed up on my door step he had caught a train, tube and then walked for 40mins with luggage! I think he didn't have a mobile phone to call me.

Honestly, she's being cheeky - you know she'll take what she can scrounge so don't give an inch. Use the old work excuse you have to work but will look forward to seeing her when she makes it to your house and tips on the best way to get there.

Snap - got a couple of these coming in a fortnight. Primarily over to see my DPs which is lovely of them and nice for my DPs but last time some other folks came I took the week off and was exhausted at the end of it as the only adult able to drive, shuttling people to and fro with an hour's drive and trying to fit in some visitor attractions.

This time I warned that I was starting a new job so unavailable during the week. Not a problem I was told, they were going to stay in a hotel and hire a car, grand I said just let us know when you would like to meet up. Fast forward to yesterday, can you pick us up from airport- oh and we don't know when our flight lands but is during the working day - no please or thank you or hope it's not too much trouble.I've regretfully said No and suggested they catch a cab or the airport bus that goes to our street.

They are nice people, but I really can't imagine acting so entitled.

exhausting is the word! And yes, entitled, they totally are!

I would send detailed instructions on how to reach you including different options if possible, then offer to pick up from the nearest station if over 5 minutes walk away.

It's very simple. You don't have leave available so you can't pick her up. Likewise, you can only manage one day off for an outing with her.

I live away from home (in the US) and get a LOT of visitors. Most of them make their own way here and don't expect me to do anything other than give them a bed.

She is taking the piss. And it isn't an american thing it is a her thing.

I would say to her "I'm afraid I can't meet you at the airport. Heathrow express to Paddington and then the tube (give details) will get you to our house quite easily"

I also wouldn't take more than one vacation day - if that. In 2 weeks you will have a weekend with her. Why do you need to sacrifice your vacation time too? (actually why do you need to sacrifice most of your weekend doing stuff she wants to do - you didn't invite her - she invited herself)

Tell her there will be a dinner every night except Fridays when you both can split the cost of a takeaway (if that suits you - otherwise tell her that you don't cook on these days). Cook simple cheap stuff that you'd be cooking for yourself. If she wants to go out for dinner say "sorry can't afford it at the moment" That would be when she should offer to pay for you.

I had young adults - still in uni - staying with me recently - favour to one of their mothers. They arrived with muffins/cakes and bought me a bottle of wine at the end. Didn't expect anything but were grateful for a dinner or breakfast.

Americans are generally straight - they say it outright. Do that OP. Don't be a mug. She is bloody lucky getting a place to stay for 2 weeks.

I'm back to say that I've heard again from relative.

I've suggested that she use heathrow express and tube. She's suggesting this will be "overwhelming"
Hasn't mentioned getting a taxi.
That would be £75 one way but would cost us the petrol for a 3 hour round trip plus heathrow parking costs, time lost and I'm self employed too. Would struggle to get there on the days/time too and I have limited leave.
I appreciate that it might seem somewhat unwelcoming not personally collecting in our car, but she's asking a lot isn't she? Or am I wrong here?

OP, she's taking advantage of your good nature.
Too tight to pay for accommodation, contribute to food, days out etc.
You definitely need to set boundaries and I would also be curtailing the stay to one week.

You are not wrong!! I'd spell it out to her as she is clearly incredibly entitled and won't read between the lines.

She's asking way too much.

Just reply and say, it's a fairly simple journey and you're sure she will manage, that you are unavailable to collect her so if she would prefer to arrange a taxi for herself then you recommend she contact XYZ company.

If the train is too much , here are the numbers for sone taxi companies- see you sooo

Stand firm! It's not convenient or practical for you to collect her, so don't!!!! It's not your problem how she gets to her FREE accommodation!

If it's overwhelming for her to use the tube, how does she cope with the airport?!

She's being a CF - stand your ground.

it's leaving a sour taste in my mouth and she's not even here yet. I will set boundaries and next time will say no.

Stick with not picking her up. Just not possible but your looking forward to seeing her...

If she can manage an international flight she can manage a taxi.

OP, it's up to you what you do but I know I absolutely hate myself when I've let myself be badgered into doing things I don't want to. If you want her to contribute to food shopping then ask her. It's daft to complain about it if you then don't even mention it to her

dont even bother replying to the overwhelming text. She’s a proper CF