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Would you find this rude/be hurt by this? (Halloween party)

1000 replies

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 15:41

A halloween party with over 20 people invited.

Couple are hosting it but they didn't invite the man's parents who live less than an hour drive away but invited his brothers and cousins as well as friends.

The reason given is that the couple want to be with people their own age (between 25 and 28 years old). Their parents are relatively young (both just turned 50 years old) and tend to mingle with their son's friends fine.

Would you find this rude? Why or why not? How would you address it on both sides?

Thank you

OP posts:
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Soretoothfairy · 28/08/2024 11:23

I think the op is lonely. Fails to see themselves as a parent and thinks they are a friend,failing to realise the healthy boundaries that should be in place. Maybe the shocked reaction on here has helped them realise it,

although this was very extreme, I can just jump in the car, help with the food, turn up anyway, it is unfathomable,

LouH5 · 28/08/2024 12:50

dizzydizzydizzy · 28/08/2024 10:40

I think it's a shame. I like it when different generations can socialise together.

No one is saying they can’t socialise together. Just not on this occasion!

I absolutely love my parents and grandparents and really enjoy spending time with them. Family dinners, BBQs, shopping trips, spa days, walks etc etc, with three different generations of my family. Whenever my parents have met my friends, they all get along nicely.

However- I want to be able to spend tome with my friends without my parents there. This is very normal. If I’m having a Halloween party, I’d really
rather my parents weren’t there, it would hugely change the dynamic and I wouldn’t feel as relaxed.

Im curious to know if, every time you hang out with your friends, you invite your parents along?

RampantIvy · 28/08/2024 12:53

I don’t think this is about the party - one evening in two months’ time! - I think it’s yet another weekend when OP is left alone as DH is away looking after his mum. And OP has told us in another reply that she’d have to get dropped off at the train station if she wanted to go anywhere.

Yes. After reading the OP's updates it sounds like she is heavily involved in her DC's social lives because her husband ignores her all the time.

@itsahalloweenone do you drive? Can you use the car when he is home?
Do you work? Could you join a local hobby group like a book group or volunteer with a charity?

When DD went to university that is exactly what I did. I have several different small friendship groups that I dip in and out of - one from a hobby and one from the charity I volunteer with, one from a group started when our DC were small, one with neighbours and one that I met at toddler group (DD is 24 now), and last weekend I went out with my work friends.

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 28/08/2024 12:54

dizzydizzydizzy · 28/08/2024 10:40

I think it's a shame. I like it when different generations can socialise together.

And as the OP said, they do do that. Just not at every single social occasion.
I adore my in laws, we have lovely evenings socialising with them. It wouldn’t even occur to me to invite them to a party with our friends/peers though, and it certainly wouldn’t occur to them to invite themselves.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 28/08/2024 13:17

Soretoothfairy · 28/08/2024 11:23

I think the op is lonely. Fails to see themselves as a parent and thinks they are a friend,failing to realise the healthy boundaries that should be in place. Maybe the shocked reaction on here has helped them realise it,

although this was very extreme, I can just jump in the car, help with the food, turn up anyway, it is unfathomable,

I dont think OP understands nor accepts anything. She relinquished she should not go, but from her newer replies it's very obvious she is still hurt and feels it's unfair she has not been invited, clings onto the vwey few replies where memebers say how they love multigenerational fun and makes little underhand jabs at her DiL.

MeAgainAndAgain · 28/08/2024 13:47

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 21:42

I do understand and respect that. I will not be going to the party and will try to occupy myself as best as I can.
I can't go with my husband as he leaves on Saturday evening and spends the whole of Saturday and Monday with his mum.

“And will try to occupy myself as best as I can”

This is a sentence to reflect on. You make it seem like this is something new, you’ve been left out and have nothing to do while everyone else you know enjoys themselves. I appreciate it might feel like that, but that’s not the reality.

If my kids were having a party and I had no other plans for that weekend I could honestly think of a million things to do. And most of some of them would involve being at home by myself - sorting the camping stuff, googling interesting things, going through my wardrobe to see what doesn’t fit, reading, and on and on. It is a bit concerning to me that your mind doesn’t immediately go to ‘ooh at last I have time to crack on with that random project I wanted to do’.

There are threads here on Mumsnet about empty nesters, loneliness, new hobbies, how to get more friends, voluntary work, how to ‘work on yourself’ as the Americans describe it. I think you’d really benefit from riding some of these threads. Or start your own if you’re too overwhelmed by it all.

And with your husband going away for three days every week, when do you get time together? Is this something that needs some improvement? I know he has caring responsibilities, but can some of this be outsourced to carers? What does he do at his Mum’s? Does she not want a bit of time to herself too? My gran had carers and she really liked them. And she knew when we visited it was just a social call, we were under no obligation to visit but did so because we wanted to. He has a wife and presumably wants his wife to be happy too.

And lastly, just namechange if you want to forget all about this thread, it’s really easy.

LBFseBrom · 28/08/2024 15:54

OP, for goodness sakes, it is one night or one afternoon and evening, soon over. You really are coming across as very strange, trying to muscle in on your adult child's party and feeling aggrieved when you can't. You are not a little girl feeling petulant about not being invited to a party, you're in your fifties. Be independent, have some self respect!

CitrusBeanie · 28/08/2024 16:21

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 21:42

I do understand and respect that. I will not be going to the party and will try to occupy myself as best as I can.
I can't go with my husband as he leaves on Saturday evening and spends the whole of Saturday and Monday with his mum.

This sounds ridiculously melodramatic and ‘Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the dark’. Is there something else going on, OP? Surely you can’t be this aghast about spending a weekend without your husband?

diddl · 28/08/2024 16:31

Is it that you think you should have been invited as otherwise you'll be "home alone"?

ByLemonFox · 28/08/2024 17:43

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 15:46

What if the parents offer to help with hosting, like bringing some food, help serve it etc...?
good relationship between all sons and parents

If it was me with my kids, they'd probably like me to drop off food and be gone well before it started! I'm close with both my kids but wouldn't expect to be at a party they invited their friends to.

(and I'd never just turn up! no no no no no)

MagicFarawayTea · 28/08/2024 17:53

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 15:48

Would you find it a big deal if the parents still showed up?

You’re the parents, aren’t you?! 🤣
PLEASE DON’T TURN UP UNINVITED.

AtlanticMum · 28/08/2024 17:58

Definitely a big deal if they were to turn up uninvited.

OhcantthInkofaname · 28/08/2024 17:58

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 15:48

Would you find it a big deal if the parents still showed up?

Yes, I would. How could one be so rude as to show up uninvited!

Blarn · 28/08/2024 17:58

Who over the age of 30 wants to go to a Halloween party? There will be awful themed drinks and someone will be sick in a pumpkin. If you really do want to be useful you could offer to help them clean up the next day then go for a nice lunch together.

Toptops · 28/08/2024 18:00

Who are you in relation to this story?

pineapplesundae · 28/08/2024 18:03

then stay away. parents should throw their own party if they want a halloween party, with their own friends/age group. geeze! how is this even a question?

BabaYetu · 28/08/2024 18:09

Toptops · 28/08/2024 18:00

Who are you in relation to this story?

She's the mum of the 28yo son and the son who lives at home but is invited (that the OP proposed she "jump into the car" with to go to the party when his big brother collects him)

Her husband is going to be taking care of his elderly mother. OP doesn't want to go because "a weekend with MIL would be hell" while not seeing the irony of inflicting herself on a party held by her son and DIL.

In fairness, she sounds lonely and bored and like she could do with mates to go out with herself. But she's 50, not 90, so could actually go out if she wanted or buy lots of wine and a takeaway and watch a film.

OhcantthInkofaname · 28/08/2024 18:13

@itsahalloweenone When someone suggested that you go and spend the week end with your husband you said It would "drive you batty to spend that time with your MIL". Did you get the hint that maybe anyone else might feel the same about you?

You further mentioned that you would go along and just give them help in setting things up. Maybe your idea of help is oppressive to them. They want to set up things differently and you take over.

Kjpt140v · 28/08/2024 18:15

I wouldn't have an opinion, none of my business.

NiftyKoala · 28/08/2024 18:15

CitrusBeanie · 28/08/2024 16:21

This sounds ridiculously melodramatic and ‘Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the dark’. Is there something else going on, OP? Surely you can’t be this aghast about spending a weekend without your husband?

I agree. You really need to stop. This is not a tragedy. You will alienate your family really fast if you haven't all ready.

LittleMonks11 · 28/08/2024 18:18

I think OP gets left to her own devices at the weekend fairly regularly. Time to book those driving lessons OP then the world is your oyster! Or at least you can be more self sufficient.

DoughBallss · 28/08/2024 18:29

I’ve seen this quite a lot as I’ve gotten older, and could be judging this situation completely wrong so forgive me if I am.

But this is why it’s so so important to still live your own life when you have kids, over and over again I’ve seen parents that have lost touch with friends or not maintained relationships have nothing left for themselves when the kids are grown up and it then becomes the now grown up children's responsibility to give their parents a social life.

OP if this is you please find a hobby you enjoy and let your kids live their lives

funnysideup · 28/08/2024 18:32

No, a big fat no! This is not rude or about you either , a adult has a right to be able to host a party where they don't want supervision. I would find it extremely triggering if my elderly relatives showed up to a party exclusive for people my age. No matter how 'helpful' 'cool' or 'fun' they think they are. Please find million things you can do with your time, like watching a movie, going to a pub or spending time with other friends or reading a book instead of making it awkward for them and yourself.

betterangels · 28/08/2024 18:33

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 15:48

Would you find it a big deal if the parents still showed up?

Of course! You just don't do that. Come on.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 28/08/2024 18:35

itsahalloweenone · 27/08/2024 15:48

Would you find it a big deal if the parents still showed up?

Wow. Yes! Take the hint, they don't want you there!

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