Would you find this rude/be hurt by this? (Halloween party)

[itsahalloweenone]

A halloween party with over 20 people invited.

Couple are hosting it but they didn't invite the man's parents who live less than an hour drive away but invited his brothers and cousins as well as friends.

The reason given is that the couple want to be with people their own age (between 25 and 28 years old). Their parents are relatively young (both just turned 50 years old) and tend to mingle with their son's friends fine.

Would you find this rude? Why or why not? How would you address it on both sides?

Thank you

OP I’m just over 50 too with a 20 something DD, I’m not with her dad any more but that aside we still sound worlds apart. You sound more like my mum’s generation with the ‘hosting’ and sandwiches and being so pushy is definitely something my mum would do.

Having to look after elderly relatives can really put a strain on a relationship and it sounds to me like you need an honest conversation with your husband because you’re clearly not happy but fgs don’t keep forcing yourself on your kids or you’ll ruin the good (according to you) relationship you have with them. And maybe look at why your DIL seems unwelcoming - are you trying to be the number one woman in your son’s life still? Or playing ‘the matriarch’? It’s not a healthy thing to do and I can see why she’d be uncomfortable.

50 is young still, it sounds like you have good friends so work on building a happier life for yourself and let your kids do the same.

@itsahalloweenone I've read your update and I really think you need to talk to your DH.
He's neglecting you and you feel lonely.
So your kids fill the void.
I think once that issue is sorted, everything should fall in to place.

The snark is due to the OP continuing to insist that she is right to gatecrash the party despite vast numbers of posts telling her is is being rude at best and making herself look sad and ridiculous at worst.

MNers are not being inherently nasty. The OP was not listening.

Omg op you are doing exactly what my mum does and it is suffocating and exhausting. It ruins every occasion because either we feel so guilty / can’t deal with the emotional pushback that we centre it all round her (and she jumps in on every single conversation and keeps it all in a circle around her) or we sneak about arranging things and hiding them from her. Don’t be like that!!

@itsahalloweenone I’m glad you’ve decided not to go but I still don’t think you understand why.

If you can accept that your son and dil don’t want you at everything and you don’t make them feel guilty, you will find them so much more welcoming of you in the future. Also being unavailable will make you much more attractive as you won’t be so reliant on them. You need your own friends and social group.

Just think of when (if) any grandchildren arrive, you want to be included. Do not alienate your son and dil now. You might think you only want to help and won’t get in the way, that’s not necessarily how they will perceive it.

Good luck to you

Leave your kids alone to have a party with their friends op! Jeeze!!!

My mum's like that.
Hates any of us doing anything without her, is actually really manipulative trying to ruin everything that isn't about her but not very good at it and we all see straight through her.

Then when she's with any of us it it's another episode of the Mum show and we all just become her audience.
It's exhausting.

Well there you go, it was a different type of party when the parents were invited. Why are you thinking you should be able to go to this one when it is not the same kind of party?

I don’t think this is about the party - one evening in two months’ time! - I think it’s yet another weekend when OP is left alone as DH is away looking after his mum. And OP has told us in another reply that she’d have to get dropped off at the train station if she wanted to go anywhere.

So I believe the reality is OP doesn’t drive and when DH is away she’s stuck at home, unless her friends come to her. She probably feels a bit of a burden to them asking to be picked up every time.

That’s how my own mum feels. The difference is, my mum is 80!! I’m 52 and OP sounds like my mum, not my peer!

OP I wonder if you’re over reliant on DH and feeling lonely in general as he’s away so much. Away both literally when he’s at his mum’s and emotionally as he’s working or sleeping when he is at home.

This party has become something to fixate on to avoid another lonely weekend.

The answer is not for your grown-up kids to entertain you. They need their own lives.

You’ve said you have friends, perhaps you need to rekindle some time with them. Just you and them. Don’t sit at home while DH works or sleeps or is away!

You’ve made a mistake about this party but I understand the reasons. The only thing I am going to criticise is this:

I don't think he's the one who doesn't want me around if you know what I mean

Come on now. That’s blaming DiL which is unfair.

Get yourself a life (I mean that much more kindly than it sounds!) and take more control of your time, fill it with things for you. Don’t sit around relying on DH or your adult children for the next 30 years!

DS and family used to have a Halloween party every year. I never expected to be invited - it was for their friends and their children’s friends.

I’m not sure why everyone finds it problematic?

I think my parents are pretty cool. I’m not ashamed of them and they are just fun people.

It appears my two sons and their girlfriends think similar to you and invite us over a lot and to some of their gatherings. However there are times when they just want to be with their peers, chat shit and be daft. So it should be.
I don't invite my kids to every party I throw either.

OP- get Netflix on, pour a drink, get some snacks. Happy days!
Or could you have a little Halloween gathering at yours for some of your friends? Drinks, nibbles, gossip?

Bit ops soon it's not ashamed of her or pretending he had no mother. He has a party for mates and his parents are not invited. I dunt know why op struggled with a concept and felt excluded. There are times when we celebrate with patents and grandparents and others we don't abd surely it's fine? If I don't want to spend every breathing moment with my parents does it mean I don't love them?

I can already see the car crash coming if they have any kids and op will want to be included in everything...

I have one of these mothers too. A fecking nightmare. HAS to be the main character.

I recall the ONE time she graciously conceded to babysit so we could go to a cousin's do. Only reason she wasn't angling for an invite: was my dad's side of the family (they're divorced, oddly enough!).

She rang me three times to ask where on the wall my plug socket was as she was hoovering. Performative cleaning - what a win!

Perhaps we should have a special halloween party for the monster mums?!

Gavin, my little prince 🤴

Why would you even want to be at a party of twenty somethings? The fact cousins are going to be there doesn’t matter, they’re in the same age range as your son, not your age group. Are the cousins parents invited?

I'm in! Where do I sign up?! 🤤

I'm not being funny but I'm sure you behave differently with your friends when your children are there. Even though they are adults you are a bit more restrained around them. I've seen many posts on here saying friend always brings her adult child when we meet. It just changes the dinamics.

@itsahalloweenone
If you are in the uk why don't you plan a bonfire night party (5th Nov) and invite your family so you have something to look forward to?

I think it's a shame. I like it when different generations can socialise together.

Excellent advice.

I think it's a shame when parents don't respect their adult childrens' boundaries and sulk when their adult children want to individuate by doing the very normal thing of having a social life which doesn't revolve around them.

But they can and do. They can also have time without their parents.

Which they do at other occasions 👻
They ate not joined at the hip and allowed to spends time with people who are not their parents.