Would you find this rude/be hurt by this? (Halloween party)

[itsahalloweenone]

A halloween party with over 20 people invited.

Couple are hosting it but they didn't invite the man's parents who live less than an hour drive away but invited his brothers and cousins as well as friends.

The reason given is that the couple want to be with people their own age (between 25 and 28 years old). Their parents are relatively young (both just turned 50 years old) and tend to mingle with their son's friends fine.

Would you find this rude? Why or why not? How would you address it on both sides?

Thank you

I think you must be my mum. This is the way she behaves. If we have a get together with our friends, she feels completely within her rights to come round to my house and have a go at me. Why can't she come? What difference does it make if she's there too? All my friends know her, so she's have lots of people to chat to. Then it gets unpleasant when I keep saying no. Huffs and puffs about how I'm making it perfectly clear she's unwelcome. How mean I am. How badly done to she is. How I'm cutting her out of my life. Breaking up the family. Yawn.

I'm sorry OP but your kids do not owe you for the decision to relocate, to stay with your husband and be responsible for your comfort and well-being.

Have you got a job, hobby or interest that you could be fixated upon? You sound lonely to me.

No, I wouldn't find it rude. I have children in that age group and sometimes they just want to do things with people their own age. I don't get insulted and I most definitely wouldn't show up anyway.

A couple of other points: I have a mother who thinks she can be part of everything. I find that rude, she has no boundaries. Also, I don't invite my parents to socialise with my friends due to the past misbehaviour of my father at previous parties. He's so tactless and offensive sometimes.

50 definitely isn't young to a 20 year old.

It's a bit odd that you can't see this. I would back off a bit otherwise it will strain the relationship. Don't rely on your children for happiness. It's too much pressure and won't end well

If I am honest, you sound neglected by your husband...he spends 3 days a week with his mum and then has no time for you the other days? He married you and not his Mum, I get he may have some caring responsibilities but not at the expense of your marriage??? It much get lonely for you.

You raised your kids to have their own life, that is what a good parent does, it doesn't mean you don't spend quality time with them, but you allow them to have their own adult friendships outside of your relationship. However, you and your husband are a different matter.....do you feel generally excluded, do you need someone to prioritise you as it doesn't sound like your husband is doing it and maybe that is why you feel concerned about not being invited to this party?

Gosh yes. I remember being 20 and 50 seemed so old and far away. Yet here I am at 50. I think at 20, 40 seemed old and so far off. Yet how quickly it comes around.

I bet in principle you could go to parties filled with mainly people in their 20s and chat and fit in absolutely fine OP, as just another adult who happens to be a little bit older.

Unfortunately doing that as the parent of one of the people in their 20s would change the dynamic completely in a way that just being a random friend who happens to be 50 wouldn't.

The parent--child thing is what would change the dynamic the most, not the absolute age gap. Going wouldn't be fair on your dc, or on you as a parent.

Instead of being seen as just another adult at a general party, you'd have a massive flag over you in everyone's minds, saying "so and so's mum, why is she (always) here??".

Meanwhile your dc wouldn't be able to relax properly, conscious of the mum they love potentially being judged by their friends for having turned up to a party everyone will know they won't really have been meant to come to.

You've made the right decision not to go - "always leave them wanting more" as they say. Far better to be the surprisingly cool mum people occasionally run into at your dc's houses than the desperately needy mum who always seems to be around.

Op when you were in your 20s or 30s did your parents go everywhere with you?

I think your being a tad nieve if you think this will be a tea total affair but I'm sure they can all operate the kettle if necessary

They are having a party with friends. It's not going to be a formal affair I'm sure the friends will help cook the sausage rolls and get them on to plates.

Nope, you are still being unreasonable to be miffed about this. Totally cringy to have your parents tune up to your house party to serve up food.

Do you also go clubbing with your sons, and insist doormen mistake you for their sister?

When I was in my 20s my friendship group included some people who were much older and it did work, but crucially those older people were not the parents of any of the younger people, and there were some people of in-between ages like mid-30s as well.

You might find that if you start a new hobby or going to a new club you could end up socialising with people of a whole range of ages.

It may seem unfair that the very 20-somethings who should be easiest to share some social life with - the ones who are family - are actually the ones it's hardest to do that with because of the parent--child relationship. But unfortunately that's just how it is.

Madness.

Let them live their lives. Build your own.

@itsahalloweenone

How do you usually occupy yourself when your husband goes to visit his mother for the weekend ?
Please don't tell me you inflict your company onto either or both of your ( adult ) children ?!!!

It must be 27 years since you moved from your home town to where your husband lived - surely in that time - over half your life as you are 50 ! you must have made friends in the area.

Why not get your husband to drop you off at a train station on his way to his mothers and you get the train to visit your family.

It's on average a 7.5 hour journey from where I live to where my family lives ( need to change trains ) and i have done it several times aged 50+ !!!

Rudeness is subjective. It depends on what any one person considers to be affrontable which, if you're referring to a commonly held standard for rudeness, I'm not sure you'll be able to find given how individualistic and diverse society has become. Personally, if I was the parent, I won't be offended. For all I care, they could've excluded me because I have dark brown eyes. Like, whatever floats their boat, I guess. It's their party and if I want, I can organize my own party. However, I could see a problem if everyone wants to party together and somehow I'm left out of my own friend group even though I mingle just fine. But if I start a rival party, there could be bad blood. This is weird.

OP - there is no other way of saying this - you sound completely nuts. It’s completely normal not to invite your parents to everything, you cannot turn up to an event you haven’t been asked to, and the fact you were conjuring up bizarre tasks you could help with and talking about just ‘jumping in the car’ like you’ve only just thought of it smacks of the manipulative overbearing MIL from hell.

Really really examine your behaviour and thinking here, sort out a life for yourself, and give your kids and their partners space.

The OP is being entirely crackers TBF, and if it wasn’t for a fair amount of mockery she would probably be on her poor son and DIL’s doorstep wrapped in a sheet and proffering a cheeselog come Halloween. think everyone should be grateful to the snarky posters, not least OP, who might have found herself accidentally locked in the broom cupboard until Christmas.

Not rude.
Only rude if their Uncles and Aunts were also invited.

Patents love to see their children leading their own lives, especially socially.
No one would be miffed at all.

And no matter how cool your parents are the dc deserve to have a party of their peers.

But OP was so obviously BU and so intent on not accepting that she was. So PPs were trying to get the message over to her that what she wanted to do was way out of line.

When I was in my 20s there was no way I’d want my parents at a Halloween party, and no way they’d want to come. Am now in my 50s and I cannot imagine inflicting myself on my own DC’s parties. It’s just a generational thing.

OP it’s good that you finally accepted you won’t go. Please don’t now guilt trip your son and particularly your DIL about it. Remember those nightmare in-laws when you moved to be with your DH? Please don’t be one yourself, or you’ll push away your DIL, and with her your son.

High tea: dainty sandwiches and gin and tonic.

By country so you can have stations or just pick one:
Spanish: fried spicy chorizo on cheese spread and chives with sangria.
Italian: garlic bread, mozzarella, tomato, fresh bazil and red wine.
Merican: corn bread with smoked ham and whiskey.

Or regular Halloween stuff:
Bubbly and shots of strawberry liquer as blood, black burger buns halved and cut in quarters with strawberry jam and fried bacon. I also had gummy worms to add to bubbly if wanted.

I’m not sure why everyone finds it problematic?

I think my parents are pretty cool. I’m not ashamed of them and they are just fun people.

As I’ve grown older I appreciate them more.

It was pin the tail on the donkey when I was a child. How times have changed 😂

@ClairDeLaLune "Please don’t now guilt trip your son and particularly your DIL about it."

I absolutely agree that she shouldn't go. But why should she think more about her dil's feelings than her son's?

Get on great with my parents and in-laws, love a meal out with them.

I'm friends with a brother and sister and so know their whole family well as they'd be the type to throw big family barbecues for birthdays etc. Great days altogether.

We still (especially when young, but even now at 40) have nights out for just our friends though. The parents, all being lovely sensible people, have never suggested dropping by. Especially not to help the women make the sandwiches. Everyone recognises it's normal and healthy for the generations to have their separate fun as well as socialise together.

Presumably because a) the DIL doesn't have a daughter's love for her MIL and is less likely to be forgiving and b) the whole world of implication in the "help the wife with the sandwiches" post.

Also because it would be harder for the DIL to say no to the OP than for her son to do the same. It's a different dynamic and more fragile.