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Original poster

Friend doesn’t want me joining her friend group

133 replies

DarkBeforeDawnnn · 23/08/2024 13:57

I know this is a really minor issue in the grand scheme of things but I’m looking for some advice please.

I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. A couple of months ago one of my friends invited me to her hen do and I was added to a WhatsApp group with all of her other friends.

I got along well with everyone on the hen do and since then I’ve been welcomed into the group and invited to other nights out, which are usually arranged on the WhatsApp group.

Yesterday, my friend said she doesn’t want me to feel like she’s leaving me out but she doesn’t want me to get involved with her group of friends. She said she’d prefer to keep that particular friend group separate from our friendship, as there’s a lot of drama within the group and she doesn’t want me involved. She then said she doesn’t know any of my other friends (which is true but I hardly have any others, which is embarrassing) and because of that she doesn’t see why I should join her group.

As I said, I know this is a bit pathetic but I do feel a little upset. One of the women in the group has invited me to her birthday meal but my friend said “well you’re not really a part of the group anyway so she won’t mind if you don’t go.” Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by all of this?

OP posts:
Projectme · 30/08/2024 13:10

the complete opposite has happened to me. I made a new friend (P) 22 years ago and had my own circle of other friends, as did P. Gradually, over the years, we've met each others friends and I struck up an individual friendship with 1 of P's friends as we had a lot in common. P had absolutely no truck at all with me and one of her other friends meeting up for coffee etc. If P had done the same with one of 'my' friends, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. This is one way people make 'friends' isn't it?

Your 'friend' is weird and controlling. Sounds like her group of friends like you, want to include you on things and she doesn't want that because then she wouldn't be 'queen bee' in the group. She's worried they'll end up liking you more than her. She's jealous and very possessive over this group of friends.

Alternatively, could it be that she's worried you know more about her than they do and you might spill beans that she doesn't want them knowing about...

Sodonewithgrey · 30/08/2024 13:11

If I were you, I'd be dropping a post into the WhatsApp chat thanking the other woman for the invitation to her birthday, and dropping in that yours is coming up soon and maybe that's another excuse for a get-together.
It all sounds very primary school, this 'friend' may be thinking you're taking her friends away as they certainly seem to think more of you than she'd like them to. But that's a her problem, not a you problem

Projectme · 30/08/2024 13:12

ah sorry, just seen your last update. I think you have your answer and I alluded to it in my final sentence of my post!

Devonshirerexx · 30/08/2024 13:13

Hey, it sounds like she's feeling threatened by how well you get along with her group. That's pretty embarrassing on her part.

If you've been invited and you feel comfortable being around them, then go and have a good time! If she doesn't like it, that's her problem. From what you've said, she sounds like she's acting like a child. You're not in primary school anymore, so don't let anyone tell you who you can and can't spend time with. Real friends don't exclude people from friendships, unless she can't handle you on nights out, lol.

NikNak321 · 30/08/2024 13:23

Just tell her the truth. You struggle making friends and are enjoying being invited out to things/ enjoy their company. Ask her to support you in this. If she doesn't bench her selfish attitude (I'm sure there are reasons for her behaving this way; we all behave like our teen selves occasionally); she is no real friend 😥. It's possible she enjoys you being the wall flower; supportive friend in the wings; and feels threatened re: her own position in the group. But if she can't get past this to be a true friend; if you put your vulnerability out there, as clear as day; she just can't be a good friend. Good luck OP ❤️

invisiblecat · 30/08/2024 13:29

Some people really don't like it and get the hump if two of their friends become friends with one another.

It's like it is okay for you to all be friends, but only if they are the hub of the wheel, and all friendships are the spokes and have to go via them. Someone once said to me at an event I'd gone to with a couple of mates: 'So how come you know A and B then?'. I was friends with them both and I'd actually introduced them to each other! Did I care? No. But some folks would get really pissed off with that.

TransformerZ · 30/08/2024 13:30

Walk away from the group and especially this 'friend'.
She'll eventually turn them against you.
She's pathetic.

LeontineFrance · 30/08/2024 13:35

DarkBeforeDawnnn · 23/08/2024 13:57

I know this is a really minor issue in the grand scheme of things but I’m looking for some advice please.

I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. A couple of months ago one of my friends invited me to her hen do and I was added to a WhatsApp group with all of her other friends.

I got along well with everyone on the hen do and since then I’ve been welcomed into the group and invited to other nights out, which are usually arranged on the WhatsApp group.

Yesterday, my friend said she doesn’t want me to feel like she’s leaving me out but she doesn’t want me to get involved with her group of friends. She said she’d prefer to keep that particular friend group separate from our friendship, as there’s a lot of drama within the group and she doesn’t want me involved. She then said she doesn’t know any of my other friends (which is true but I hardly have any others, which is embarrassing) and because of that she doesn’t see why I should join her group.

As I said, I know this is a bit pathetic but I do feel a little upset. One of the women in the group has invited me to her birthday meal but my friend said “well you’re not really a part of the group anyway so she won’t mind if you don’t go.” Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by all of this?

Tell her not to be so controlling. Sounds as if she has issues and may be jealous to share her friends with you. Very immature of her.

TransformerZ · 30/08/2024 13:39

Welshmonster · 30/08/2024 13:08

You can’t be in control of her reaction and the friends aren’t her personal property.
I’d make sure she’s not bad mouthing you to the group. Celebrate your birthday in style with whoever you choose and your friend can choose to be a part of it or not

i have a friend in a group and she introduced her lodger to us and we invited her to things but now the first friend doesn’t want her lodger to come out and wants to keep things separate. So we have in effect ghosted the lodger which is awkward. I won’t ever do that again as we will see the lodger when we go round her house and what are we supposed to say.

things have not been the same since with the original group friend and she gets invited out less

Poor lodger woman.
She must be wondering what she said or did wrong.

Sparklytoe · 30/08/2024 13:42

I kind of see where she's coming from, my friendship groups have merged a bit over the years. It can create awkwardness because now whenever I arrange something with one group there's a chance some of the overlapping people will feel put out if I don't also include them, but you can't invite everyone to everything.

Also, especially if groups are prone to drama, there's some protection in keeping things seperate, so that things don't blow up with all your friends at the same time.

That said, if it's the friends who are inviting you, rather than her inviting you to join her friends, I don't think she gets to say you can't go.

DadJoke · 30/08/2024 13:47

You could speak to her mum - she’s clearly under 13 and shouldn’t have access to WhatsApp.

Go to the party. Open up direct channels with people you like. If she is going to be pissy and jealous, that’s her problem.

tattygrl · 30/08/2024 13:51

Having read all the comments and the interesting, varied takes, I think it's overall wise, OP, to do as you seem to be planning and focus on yourself and on finding your own friends elsewhere.

That doesn't mean you can't attend something you're invited to - no matter who invites you! If you want to go, you go! There's nothing wrong with that at all.

That said, I do think it's likely that this situation isn't going to be a smooth one, whether that's because your original friend is genuinely possessive and immature over her friends, or because there's an actual valid reason she's trying to keep you away from that group (for your sake). I'd keep this group at a mellow distance, joining in with what you feel like but not investing emotionally. Like you've said in a recent comment, it's about you, your confidence and finding your own places and people! And you absolutely will. ❤

chippylips · 30/08/2024 13:57

I'd keep contact with the friends - they sound lovely. And so do you. I've been in a similar situation do you have my sympathies. I GUARENTEE that shitty friend will be the one to piss everyone else off eventually - she sounds like she loves the drama. Bide your time OP XX

GingerPirate · 30/08/2024 14:10

What a 🤡 your "friend" is.
Don't worry about her!

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2024 14:23

I hope you go to the meal

MyLimeGuide · 30/08/2024 14:24

easylikeasundaymorn · 23/08/2024 17:44

this sounds more likely from OPs updates!

Show quote history

Agreed.

unicornpower · 30/08/2024 14:27

I’m usually wary of mixing friendship groups as I have been wendied in the past, however in this instance I feel she’s being an arse- you’re entitled to accept invitations to gatherings you’ve been invited to! It’s rude to say you can’t go. Sounds like she might be the drama?

Cece54 · 30/08/2024 15:19

I have both a sister and a friend like this woman... both of whom I've discovered over time have turned down things ostensibly on my behalf because "she wouldn't want to do that/go there/wouldn't like that gift" etc etc.... and on each case it was nothing short of jealousy motivating them. They each like to be the ones getting more invites and shutting me out to garner more attention for themselves. One time on what was a "big" birthday my sister called all members of my close family telling them not to send me a card or a gift as I would "go berserk at people mentioning my age" !!!! Which was absolute nonsense.... I found this out when I called family members asking where my birthday cards were..... So when this "friend" of yours is turning down invitations on your behalf she's being a total bitch. Her motives are not in your best interests. It's in hers !!! It's a rotten way to be. You absolutely go to the meal, and contact the group to arrange drinks out for your own birthday. And I would seriously consider telling this so called friend that you know she won't want to come so there's no point in asking her. Play her at her own game. And tell her in future she's not your spokesperson so she shouldn't be turning down invitations intended for you.

Dubuem · 30/08/2024 15:40

Maybe this other group know more about your friend than she wants you to know. Tbh, it could get messy if your friend wants to make it so, which sounds like she does. Perhaps get numbers and meet with some of them individually too.

Firefly27 · 30/08/2024 18:51

She sounds jealous of how well you got along and how some of them wanted to organise a birthday party for you ! Please.. please .. do go to the invited party and also send out invites for yours . Please keep us updated jow it goes 😅👏

1mabon · 30/08/2024 19:02

No, yu are not wrong to be hurt by "this"

EPN · 30/08/2024 19:22

Wow how old is this woman, what grown woman carries on like this. Who says stuff like this. She sounds like fkin 9 year old. Super weird. I imagine she's the one who causes the drama. Maybe she's hiding something....is she having an affair!!!!! Omg I bet she is. You're the decoy and that's why she wants you separate!!!!! 🤔
Ps sometimes friends are over rated.. especially when they this weird. You must be reasonably normal cos you think this shit is weird. You don't need this silly cow!!!

Sauvblonk · 31/08/2024 08:08

DadJoke · 30/08/2024 13:47

You could speak to her mum - she’s clearly under 13 and shouldn’t have access to WhatsApp.

Go to the party. Open up direct channels with people you like. If she is going to be pissy and jealous, that’s her problem.

🤭

paddyclampster · 31/08/2024 18:29

God ignore her and go! I’d even suggest on the group meeting up for drinks on your birthday!

velvetcoat · 31/08/2024 18:39

Look, I have friends who are all very, very different. I have wild, party loving, free spirit friends, work friends, friends from school, church friends, hobbies and social and sports group friends. I do kinda keep them separate because they are all so obviously different that I just assumed they probably wouldnt mesh well.

That said, NEVER in a million years would I introduce them and then order them not to contact each other or speak to each other. I'd actually be really happy that despite their differences they were getting on so well and I'd find that really surprising and lovely. Your friend is an absolute bitch and clearly has her own devious motivations for wanting to keep you separate.

Agree with a PP- noone gets to order me about or tell me what to do so I'd go ahead and meet with them and to hell what she thinks. I also agree that you need to find new better friends and stay away from this person- she sounds utterly toxic and nasty.