Friend doesn’t want me joining her friend group

[DarkBeforeDawnnn]

I know this is a really minor issue in the grand scheme of things but I’m looking for some advice please.

I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. A couple of months ago one of my friends invited me to her hen do and I was added to a WhatsApp group with all of her other friends.

I got along well with everyone on the hen do and since then I’ve been welcomed into the group and invited to other nights out, which are usually arranged on the WhatsApp group.

Yesterday, my friend said she doesn’t want me to feel like she’s leaving me out but she doesn’t want me to get involved with her group of friends. She said she’d prefer to keep that particular friend group separate from our friendship, as there’s a lot of drama within the group and she doesn’t want me involved. She then said she doesn’t know any of my other friends (which is true but I hardly have any others, which is embarrassing) and because of that she doesn’t see why I should join her group.

As I said, I know this is a bit pathetic but I do feel a little upset. One of the women in the group has invited me to her birthday meal but my friend said “well you’re not really a part of the group anyway so she won’t mind if you don’t go.” Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by all of this?

Well this is how we make new friends, and you’ve now been invited to other social occasions, so go and see what happens, she started this by letting you all mix.

However I do think there is something in the not mixing your various groups. I’ve been in and seen friendship groups implode many times when people have put all their friendship eggs in one basket. The pressure to invite absolutely everyone in that group to social occasions becomes quite monumental, and offence can get taken if anyone is left out. Then little splinter groups form, it can get messy. It’s good to have friends that don’t really know of each others existence, it’s healthy to spend time apart from different mates I believe.

Good grief, is she 14? No-one owns their friends, they are free to mix with whomever they wish, and the idea that someone can't be friends with a particular group because it would somehow mix things is ridiculous and childish. You can have friends in lots of different groups.

Go to the meal and have a lovely time!

She’s jealous of you. Ignore her. Go to the birthday, and then have your own birthday and invite these other women to it.

If you've been invited, then you go if you want to. Your friend doesn't get to tell you what to do. I'd go and enjoy myself. If the friend asks you why you went then say, because I was invited and like them. Be prepared for her to sabotage the friendship though. Don't let her talk you into flagging any of them off, she may use it as ammunition.

I see where your original friend is coming from, but I wouldn't have tackled it like that.

I think the real issue is the way she's dealt with it.
I'd probably just carry on seeing the people like and tell original friend that she doesn't own anyone. I can't imagine your friendship with her will recover though , so not sure there's much longevity in hanging out with her friends. **

That’s not your friend. I’d accept the invites from the others, maybe go for coffee with a few of them on their own to build some more friendships. People seem to treat other people like possessions don’t they. You can’t be friends with X because she was MY friend first. Ludicrous.

oh just go to the birthday meal - do any of them live near you, can you say something like "anyone need a lift?" or something?

I understand what your friend mean about mixing friends.I have always tried to mix my friendship groups but it only ends in arguments. It’s then become very awkward. So now I don’t unless it’s wedding or birthday event.

I think she is right but hasn’t handled it correctly in terms of hurting your feelings. However, if you’ve made friends … she shouldn’t de-invite you to events.

I have to say, the first thing I’d do is the save all the contact details of the people in that group, in particular the ones who have invited you or wanted to organise something for you.

Then, yes I’d go to the party.
And I’d make sure I’m building friendship with people I like outside her influence.

“she told me that a couple of the women had asked her if they should organise dinner and drinks to celebrate but she told them she “didn’t think it’s something I’d be interested in.”

Ask her why she would do this and tell her you’re upset about it. A good friend would be happy to include another friend who didn’t have many of her own. You would have loved that - it seems like she’s being quite nasty by telling her friends that you wouldn’t.

I’m going to go a bit left-field here OP but I think the person you need to think about in all of this is you.
Your friend has been awful. She’s invited you to an event where people liked you - what a shocker.
It sounds like she’s the drama creator.
Whilst I think it’s great to take up invitations I would also take a slow and steady pace.
I think (and it’s just my opinion) it would be great for you to make friends away from this ‘friend’ and her group.
It’s time to work on building your own confidence and get a bit of main character energy.
At the moment, you are a bit vulnerable in that this ‘friend’ is being controlling. The last thing you need is more interfering from her.
Create your own circle which is not defined by her or her group.
By the way I don’t mean try and find 23 new friends - you only really need a few good ones. Get involved in anything you might enjoy locally, pursue a hobby, help out a charity - try something new and really build your confidence.
You are clearly a warm person who others like - this whole scenario has shown that. Take that as a win, and then go from there.

I think she’s realised her friends like you more than they do her. I’d accept any invitations you get from them.

I think your friend is jealous tbh that her friends got on so well with you and now her nose is out of joint

I would make a point of going to the birthday meal now - she can't dictate who attends someone else's event!

How old are you all? Sounds very immature and your 'friend' seems very insecure.

She sounds insecure and immature, and possessive about her friends. I would accept invitations from the others and invite them out for your birthday.

Ignore her. You're allowed to make friends when introduced to people OP. Go to the birthday and if your friend kicks up a fuss, tell her she needs to sit with her feelings and figure out why she's trying to control who you are friends with.

Nobody can tell you who you're allowed to be friends with! Your friend sounds very childish

I would focus on making friends outside of this group.

By all means accept any invitations that come your way if you really want to, but I find it hard to believe you’ve become that close to a group of people you’ve only known a couple of months and met a handful of times, to put all of your friendship eggs in this basket.

You were invited. Go! They wouldn’t invite you if they didn’t like you!
and yeah invite them to drinks for your birthday!!! Show them reciprocation in wanting to socialise and be friends.
as for your “friend” keep your distance and just be polite.

No that’s not ok for your friend to do. you have been invited plus some of the new friends want to organise a meal for your birthday so yes of course go and enjoy their company. You might meet some really lovely friends for life. The ‘original’ friend is not being a friend at all.

I have had a best friend since school who has ditched me 40 years later but now looking back on things she did similar to this to me always. I also struggle to make friends , I’m ND

I agree. It is healthy to have “ fresh air” groups; but she has handled it wrongly. It’s one thing not to introduce people in the first place, but once they know each other you have to realise it’s no longer your place to dictate what others do.

What is ‘Wendying’?

I’ve know two Wendy’s who are both lovely 😁)

They like her more In one night? Fickle aren't they! Lol

Your “friend” sounds like a right cow. The others in the chat sound lovely, and they clearly welcome you as part of their group. Go ahead and enjoy their company - they enjoy yours x