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Original poster

Friend doesn’t want me joining her friend group

133 replies

DarkBeforeDawnnn · 23/08/2024 13:57

I know this is a really minor issue in the grand scheme of things but I’m looking for some advice please.

I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. A couple of months ago one of my friends invited me to her hen do and I was added to a WhatsApp group with all of her other friends.

I got along well with everyone on the hen do and since then I’ve been welcomed into the group and invited to other nights out, which are usually arranged on the WhatsApp group.

Yesterday, my friend said she doesn’t want me to feel like she’s leaving me out but she doesn’t want me to get involved with her group of friends. She said she’d prefer to keep that particular friend group separate from our friendship, as there’s a lot of drama within the group and she doesn’t want me involved. She then said she doesn’t know any of my other friends (which is true but I hardly have any others, which is embarrassing) and because of that she doesn’t see why I should join her group.

As I said, I know this is a bit pathetic but I do feel a little upset. One of the women in the group has invited me to her birthday meal but my friend said “well you’re not really a part of the group anyway so she won’t mind if you don’t go.” Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by all of this?

OP posts:
Hottogo1 · 23/08/2024 16:08

She just doesn’t like the fact that her friends have warmed to you and potentially feels they might like you more than her (not surprising given how you’ve described her actions here tbh) and feels threatened. If you’re all of the age to be having/attending hen-do’s then she is definitely too old to be acting like this.

Please still go to the birthday dinner. The host has invited you, not your so called ‘friend’, and therefore ‘friend’ has absolutely no authority to revoke the invite, and never has authority to dictate where you do or don’t go.

cosietea · 23/08/2024 16:09

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 14:33

I'm the first to admit that I'm actually not that great at mixing my friends - I'm a real compartmentaliser - but even I think this is shitty behaviour on the part of your friend. Her friend group likes you enough to invite you to stuff, therefore it's perfectly OK for you to accept! Your friend is being awful and a bit insane

You down own your friends though. If they happen to meet another friend of yours and get on then it's really none of your business

People can choose to be friends with whoever they like

You sound insecure and immature

craigth162 · 23/08/2024 16:11

Candaceowens · 23/08/2024 14:11

Your friend is a bitch. I'd make it my point to go to the meal now because I wouldn't have another grown woman telling me what to do or who to speak to.

This!!!

JessicaPeach · 23/08/2024 16:12

I would be absolutely delighted if I invited a friend to my hen do and she got along so well with all my other friends. Start a chat for your own birthday and add them all, she can leave if she wants. It doesn't matter if they don't end up being life long friends, if you struggle a bit socially and these girls seem to like you then go for it! X

Sierra259 · 23/08/2024 16:13

It sounds like she's jealous of how well you get on with "her" friends and is trying to mark her territory as it were. If they are going out of their way to invite you to things, that's lovely of them and there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't accept.

Hottogo1 · 23/08/2024 16:13

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 16:06

They like her more In one night? Fickle aren't they! Lol

Show quote history

I don’t think it says that the hen-do was one night. It may well have been, but it’s equally if not more common these days for it to be a multi night stay somewhere with people sharing rooms etc spending 24/7 together. Very easy to form quick bonds (or hatreds when you don’t gel) in those environments.

Louise303 · 23/08/2024 16:14

Send the messages to the other women in the group so they do not think it is you being strange. They obviously like you I would drop your friend she is being nasty to you and they need to see her true colours.

bendmeoverbackwards · 23/08/2024 16:20

junebirthdaygirl · 23/08/2024 14:36

Well l can understand your friend. I have different groups of friends. Long term college friends, sports friends, mom friends etc and they are separate. Very little overlap. If l had a party they would all meet but go back to their own circle after. I wouldn't really care if they met up separately but l would be uncomfortable..a bit..if l was part of that. I am the same with them. I could see how l could hit it off with some people l meet at girlfriends parties but l don't push it as they're her friends. If we meet we have a great chat but l move back then.
It's not personal OP just she has you both in different areas of her life and its a bit awkward to make that crossover.

What rubbish. This sounds so controlling. Can you imagine a man acting like this, keeping separate groups of friends apart? The more the merrier.

OP definitely go to the meal. You are clearly a nice person if she’s invited you.

Mil3nnial · 23/08/2024 16:21

Your friend doesn't sound very nice. If they're inviting you to things then go. Let her be angry. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

SensorySensai · 23/08/2024 16:22

I love it when my friends like my other friends.

pinkdelight · 23/08/2024 16:32

I think it's all very well to get righteous, put this down your friend being jealous and awful, and go ahead and immerse yourself into her friendship group...

However, you start off by saying: I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. And now here you are about to piss off one friend who has presumably been good up until now and disrupt not only your friendship with her but her friendship group as was. Sure, it'd be nice if she was more chill about it and this wasn't even a thing, but it is a thing, she's asked you to not mix things up and if you do and it goes wrong, that's on you. And I can pretty much guarantee you'll be the one left out in the cold. So it's up to you what your priorities are here. Scooping up your friend's friends and adding to the drama or keeping her as a friend and finding your own friends from elsewhere.

And there is, don't forget, always the chance that she's right and her warning isn't just about her discomfort at the mix but that it is a volatile friendship group and you're better off out of it. Is it really worth it for a dinner invite that's easily declined?

Lotsofsnacks · 23/08/2024 16:35

She sounds bitchy, and about 13!! Come on OP you don’t need a ‘friend’ like this, but it does seem like some of the other ladies in the group are nice, and have really taken to you. She is just jealous, and I would take the insinuation that it’s a toxic group, with a pinch of salt. How mean of her to keep saying you are an outsider etc. and trying to sabotage the other ladies organising you a birthday meal. Firstly I would ignore your ‘friend’ and accept the invite from the other group member. And I would not messsge your ‘friend’ from now on. Keep her out of your arrangements with the group, and if you are they when she turns up to an event, then tough!! Maybe discreetly say to member of the group that you like, that so called friend isn’t keen on you joining their circle. So they know, just in case she starts talking crap about you, to them, which she will!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 23/08/2024 16:36

She can't dictate who you make friends with or who they make friends with.

Carry on as you are. Let her keep stirring. If anyone asks you about it just tell them the truth. "She said that? I would love drinks." "She told you what? I'd said XYZ".

They'll make their own minds up.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/08/2024 16:39

How old is she, 11

itsgettingweird · 23/08/2024 16:40

Odd reaction from her.

The others have welcomed you into the group and see you as part of the group.

Are you a nicer friendlier person than her and shes afraid they'll like you more Grin

fortheveryfirsttime · 23/08/2024 16:47

I have friends in different groups and contexts and most have met at least a few times and some have become friendly with each other which is great.

But, there are some friends who I really feel mixing with other groups might cause issues. I'm not trying to be a dick about it but I keep one particular friend pretty separate to another couple as much as I can because although they get on, I can see issues down the line.

Maybe I'm wrong but I strongly feel if they get close then big differences would be apparent and could cause hassle which I don't want to be in the middle of.

They're lovely but VERY different.

So this friend in the OP seems to have handled it badly but I wonder if there's more to it.

Boomer55 · 23/08/2024 17:03

This all sounds very juvenile. Go where you want to.🤷‍♀️

junebirthdaygirl · 23/08/2024 17:13

I'll my friends have people for years, go back a long way..maybe they don't care if l suddenly become friends with them..but l think it's important to be wise here. I am older so maybe that makes a difference as these are friends for years. I can imagine if people are young how groups would ebb and flow.

BowlOfNoodles · 23/08/2024 17:38

pinkdelight · 23/08/2024 16:32

I think it's all very well to get righteous, put this down your friend being jealous and awful, and go ahead and immerse yourself into her friendship group...

However, you start off by saying: I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. And now here you are about to piss off one friend who has presumably been good up until now and disrupt not only your friendship with her but her friendship group as was. Sure, it'd be nice if she was more chill about it and this wasn't even a thing, but it is a thing, she's asked you to not mix things up and if you do and it goes wrong, that's on you. And I can pretty much guarantee you'll be the one left out in the cold. So it's up to you what your priorities are here. Scooping up your friend's friends and adding to the drama or keeping her as a friend and finding your own friends from elsewhere.

And there is, don't forget, always the chance that she's right and her warning isn't just about her discomfort at the mix but that it is a volatile friendship group and you're better off out of it. Is it really worth it for a dinner invite that's easily declined?

That's the way I seen it... the friend recognised the awkwardness and knows the group couid chew her up and spit her out.

easylikeasundaymorn · 23/08/2024 17:44

DangerPigeon · 23/08/2024 14:41

Or she's the toxic drama filled one and they're all fine

this sounds more likely from OPs updates!

2sisters · 23/08/2024 17:45

I don't know
Mmm. TBH, I don't like mixing my friendship groups at all. I wouldn't have done a mixed hen.

However, she can't tell you what invitation you can and can't accept. It's not her business.

DinnaeFashYersel · 23/08/2024 17:50

Or by inviting you into their WhatsApp group they didn't realise you'd stay on afterwards and can't avoid inviting to to stuff.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 23/08/2024 17:52

The new friends will probably be better friends to you than your original friend.

mrssunshinexxx · 23/08/2024 18:05

Seems to me she's jealous how much they like you. Go to the meal

SummerFade · 23/08/2024 19:02

How bloody dare she!

I would be apoplectic if the person who had originally introduced them then tried to push the new person out of a friendship group I was in.

Don’t let her bully you into leaving the group. She doesn’t OWN these friends. They can choose if they want to be friends with you and who to invite to their events.

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