Friend doesn’t want me joining her friend group

[DarkBeforeDawnnn]

I know this is a really minor issue in the grand scheme of things but I’m looking for some advice please.

I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. A couple of months ago one of my friends invited me to her hen do and I was added to a WhatsApp group with all of her other friends.

I got along well with everyone on the hen do and since then I’ve been welcomed into the group and invited to other nights out, which are usually arranged on the WhatsApp group.

Yesterday, my friend said she doesn’t want me to feel like she’s leaving me out but she doesn’t want me to get involved with her group of friends. She said she’d prefer to keep that particular friend group separate from our friendship, as there’s a lot of drama within the group and she doesn’t want me involved. She then said she doesn’t know any of my other friends (which is true but I hardly have any others, which is embarrassing) and because of that she doesn’t see why I should join her group.

As I said, I know this is a bit pathetic but I do feel a little upset. One of the women in the group has invited me to her birthday meal but my friend said “well you’re not really a part of the group anyway so she won’t mind if you don’t go.” Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by all of this?

I am older as well, and am not possessive about my friends. I am happy to share my friends because I am not an insecure 12 year old.

I think you're missing the point. I am not one single bit insecure about sharing my friends. I have loads and luckily make friends easily. But each group has its own vibe..own focus depending on what brought us together. In a way l am a different person in each group different sides of my personality are brought out. I never for one second wonder if someone is stealing my friend but it could be a bit of an adjustment if someone from walking group suddenly arrives in my close/ heart to heart group. Maybe l am not good with change.

This me to a T.
Hate mixing my friends for all these reasons. Just doeesn't work.

Its entirely possible that the drama in the group is your 'friend'.

I assume it was a specific chat for the hen that's carried on.

It always astonishes me that there are adults out there who get so precious about mixing friends. If some friends of mine like some other friends, I’m delighted. Sure, there are some people who are so different they might not get on but usually, the kind of people I gravitate to as friends have enough in common to be able to get over that. OP your “friend” is behaving like a 14 year old bully. Ignore her and accept the invite!

But would you therefore tell your walking group friend that they shouldn't accept invites from your heart to heart friend? Because that is just controlling who either of them gets to be friends with.

No l wouldn't of course. But my message fwas to show Op it's not personal . And that sometimes it's good to have an idea why this might be happening.

I have separate groups of friends. I used to be a stripper.. I'm still friends with a lot of the women from those days.

I also have a group of friends with professional careers and far less chaotic lives than the stripper-y friends.

I love them both equally but I'd not invite them all to a night out together. I just don't think it would work..they're so different. They're both equally good fun in different ways, they're both good to me and we have trusted friendships together.
However if they did encounter one another and got on and formed their own friendships as a result I'd be delighted.
Your friend is backpeddaling now she's realised her other friends like you.

If she says not to go to something I'd say 'well I actually really like Sarah and it sounds like fun so I am going to go'

It sounds like a her problem and a situation where it may be quite easy for her friends to recognise that she's being a bitch with you, too.

How did you make friends with this woman?

Do you know things about her that the rest of the group might not?

I would definitely go to the party of your new friends, your friend sounds jealous.

I would also organise a party of your own with all these new ladies, as it's the first one you are organising, I wouldn't lower myself to exclude your original "friend". Test the water to see if the other girls turn up and want a proper friendship with you.

Don't be told who you can be friends with, it's weird.

Thank you for all of the replies, it’s been really helpful reading through everyone’s thoughts on this. A couple of posters have rightfully pointed out that I should work on friendships away from this particular friend/her group and I definitely agree, I think making friends as you get older is harder but I do need to put myself out there a bit more.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo (love your username by the way) I really appreciated your post and you’ve motivated me to look into hobbies/classes local to me. You’ve nailed it with the confidence issue as well, I do need to work on that and being less of a people pleaser

I’ve known her for 12 years, we used to work together and ended up becoming close friends.

I’ve always been a bit of a confidante for her and when she’s had problems with her friend group she’s turned to me to offload. She had a falling out with a couple of her friends in the group (although they’ve sorted it now) and I do wonder if she’s worried that I might tell them some of the things she’s said about them. I would never do that of course but it did cross my mind that that’s why she doesn’t want me getting too involved.

I'd say that's exactly it op.

You were the person she vented to about this group - if you become friends with them then she can't do that anymore AND she'll be worried you'll tell them things she's said.

Here's your answer

She can't tell you who you can and cannot be friends with!

She's literally dictating your social life based on her preference.

I'm sorry this has happened, this 'friend' doesn't sound like a nice person and thinks she's can boss you about like children.

I think you should remind her you have been invited to dinner by the mutual friend and let her know you like the other person and want to go and feel it'd be rude of you not to go. Then if she kicks off I'd tell the mutual friend she's told you can't go.

No one owns a friendship. You meet someone, you get on well, you become friends. She has no right telling you who you can be friends with or not. Go to everything these new friends are inviting you to and enjoy the new opportunities! They all obviously like you. I wonder if the "drama" in the group is actually your original friend herself.

She is no friend, friends are warm, welcoming and supportive. She doesn't have the monopoly on who likes who.

Know your worth op.

@DarkBeforeDawnnn that's definitely it.

DarkBeforeDawnnn
You are not an ‘outsider’ of the group but a new member of it. Enjoy your new friends who sound as though they are very happy to welcome you.
Might be a good idea to reassess your own view of your ability to socialise as well - you’re obviously better at it than you think!
Just never discuss or let slip anything your original ‘friend’ confided to you about the other members of the group.

Your "friend" is being possessive and controlling about her friendship group.
If you have been invited to a social by a new friend it's because they want you there and not because they're just being polite.

Why was it okay for you to attend the hen do, but suddenly not the birthday party? Your "friend" doesn't get to decide tell where to go and when whenever it suits her!

She says there's drama and doesn't want you involved, but this is pretty manipulative on her part and is already creating drama herself!

What did you say to your friend about attending the birthday event? Whether you go or not, thank her for the heads up, but you can make your own mind up!

She’s jealous that’s it.
‘They were my friends first’ playground attitude
tell her to do one

And who the heck does she think she is thinking she can decide,.some people blow my mind! If they have invited you, you go. Screw her she sounds awful, just coz you don't have many friends does not mean you have to settle for this idiot. Go out enjoy yourself and forget her opinion

You can’t be in control of her reaction and the friends aren’t her personal property.
I’d make sure she’s not bad mouthing you to the group. Celebrate your birthday in style with whoever you choose and your friend can choose to be a part of it or not

i have a friend in a group and she introduced her lodger to us and we invited her to things but now the first friend doesn’t want her lodger to come out and wants to keep things separate. So we have in effect ghosted the lodger which is awkward. I won’t ever do that again as we will see the lodger when we go round her house and what are we supposed to say.

things have not been the same since with the original group friend and she gets invited out less

I wouldn't let her tell you who you can and can't be friends with. I'd accept the invitation and go and have a lovely time xx