Friend doesn’t want me joining her friend group

[DarkBeforeDawnnn]

I know this is a really minor issue in the grand scheme of things but I’m looking for some advice please.

I don’t have a huge amount of friends and have always struggled a little bit socially. A couple of months ago one of my friends invited me to her hen do and I was added to a WhatsApp group with all of her other friends.

I got along well with everyone on the hen do and since then I’ve been welcomed into the group and invited to other nights out, which are usually arranged on the WhatsApp group.

Yesterday, my friend said she doesn’t want me to feel like she’s leaving me out but she doesn’t want me to get involved with her group of friends. She said she’d prefer to keep that particular friend group separate from our friendship, as there’s a lot of drama within the group and she doesn’t want me involved. She then said she doesn’t know any of my other friends (which is true but I hardly have any others, which is embarrassing) and because of that she doesn’t see why I should join her group.

As I said, I know this is a bit pathetic but I do feel a little upset. One of the women in the group has invited me to her birthday meal but my friend said “well you’re not really a part of the group anyway so she won’t mind if you don’t go.” Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by all of this?

She can't tell you to not accept invitations from other people, that's just bizarre. Sounds like this friendship group, or at least this woman who's invited you to her birthday, want to have you. YANBU to feel hurt by your "friend" telling you you're not really part of the group and shouldn't go

That Is shocking. Sounds like your friend used you to boost numbers at her hen do despite not seeing you as an actual friend, as this is no way to treat a friend.

Your friend is a bitch. I'd make it my point to go to the meal now because I wouldn't have another grown woman telling me what to do or who to speak to.

I don't think that hen do 'friend' is a friend at all to be honest. I wouldn't treat a friend like that

The other woman has invited you so you can go. First 'friend' has no right to tell you what to do

Carry on regardless. Do you think she's worried that you might Wendy her?

Wow thank you everyone, I wasn’t expecting that response to be honest as I thought I was overreacting. She’s been emphasising how I’m an ‘outsider’ of the group and that made me think I should fall back and leave them to it, even though I do genuinely enjoy spending time with them.

I don’t really know how to manage this situation now as she has already been trying to phase me out of the group. It’s my birthday soon and she told me that a couple of the women had asked her if they should organise dinner and drinks to celebrate but she told them she “didn’t think it’s something I’d be interested in.”

I’m quickly realising she’s not a friend at all.

I think she just invited all her friends from whatever contexts on her hen do, but then realised she’d made it hard to separate her various friend groups again afterwards.

Some people prefer compartmentalising their social lives outside of a few big life events.

The Hen Do Woman buggered up by not realising this before setting up a WhatsApp - or by not disbanding it immediately after the party.

OP, as the birthday person has invited you specifically, I think you’re perfectly ok to go. Have a lovely time, chat with the new friends you’ve made.

As for the future - I guess you need a think about your relationship with your original friend, and if it can weather a blow like this.

(I think this would be the death knell of thefriendship’ for me)

I'm the first to admit that I'm actually not that great at mixing my friends - I'm a real compartmentaliser - but even I think this is shitty behaviour on the part of your friend. Her friend group likes you enough to invite you to stuff, therefore it's perfectly OK for you to accept! Your friend is being awful and a bit insane

Well l can understand your friend. I have different groups of friends. Long term college friends, sports friends, mom friends etc and they are separate. Very little overlap. If l had a party they would all meet but go back to their own circle after. I wouldn't really care if they met up separately but l would be uncomfortable..a bit..if l was part of that. I am the same with them. I could see how l could hit it off with some people l meet at girlfriends parties but l don't push it as they're her friends. If we meet we have a great chat but l move back then.
It's not personal OP just she has you both in different areas of her life and its a bit awkward to make that crossover.

Get straight on that WhatsApp group and organise a big birthday bash. Then add "don't worry about coming Bride, it's probably not your thing".

Absolutely this.
You've been invited- if you want to go - then go.

She might see a toxic drama filled group and has let you know it's to be avoided she knows them you don't.

Or she's the toxic drama filled one and they're all fine

Spot on comment, no way I would let another adult woman boss me around and tell me where I can and can't go.

This is a bit like 'they were my friends first' - quite immature and a decent person would be happy that you were making friends within a new group. However I can understand PP's view about having a few different groups - some people can't mix very well so it can get a bit tricky. I would let it evolve and if the new group invites you along then I'd go for sure.

She sounds bloody ridiculous!
People are individuals, not sub-divided into exclusive friends "sets" with no overlap allowed by a wacko control freak.

Go to the meal, make arrangements with whoever you like, accept the invitations you want to attend and tell your non-friend to fuck right off.

The others in the group sound more friendly than your original friend. It’s tricky but I wouldn’t drop out. I would just brush her off with comments such as ‘I really like them .’ And just keep accepting invites. If she gets nasty, tell her that you will inform the others of what she
is saying.

She doesn’t own these people.

Agree!!

I would go to the meal on principle.

I would also organise something for your birthday and invite the women you’ve become friends with.

And tbh I would be inclined not to invite this woman.

Oh, and there’s no such thing as wendying.

Sometimes a group will make friends with someone who they get on better with. It happens.

Organize dinner and drinks yourself and don't invite your so-called friend but invite all your new ones.

Oh my. Are you all 12?
Honestly, this is the sort of thing that goes on in my daughters friends. You must be so hurt and confused but I've no advice as I'm pretty shocked a grown woman would be so rude and callous!

This is true of me too. I can see lots of benefits in compartmentalising friendships a little - especially where they represent people I have met in very different contexts who wouldn’t necessarily be a natural mix ( eg parents of Dc friends vs childless friends from university days). The most basic reason is this is part of pulling together successful social events.
Big HOWEVER though. Op is right: this is all a bit pathetic - and it isn’t op being pathetic. Op clearly got on with the friends and it’s both rude and bullying to try to “unmix” after bringing them together for her own purposes. She’s now trying to interfere with op’s relationship with someone else.
She sounds very complicated op and for me this development would sully the friendship. I don’t wonder that there are complications in that group: it’s probably her causing them!
I think I would stand my ground and say you’ve now accepted the invitation and will go but that you will tell them you are being removed from the group chat (and it’s up to them how they respond.) If she’s a troublemaker the others will probably clock what’s going on. I think they seem to like you and you may be surprised that they continue to reach out. But dont fight the group chat removal. She who should adds can take away I guess - childish as it is. Keep your dignity and emotions in check and see how it all plays out.