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Taking my son out of the football team...because I hate talking him to matches?

182 replies

curtainsareon · 20/08/2024 18:56

This is what my sister has just text me saying....
Her son loves football and is goalkeeper in a local team (he is 12)
Anyway she said over the summer holidays she's enjoyed not taking him to training and the football matches ...so has removed him from the team.

I'm honestly flabbergasted
Don't you think this is selfish ?
The one thing he enjoys
I haven't said anything because it would cause trouble
I just had to vent somewhere

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 20/08/2024 21:12

Wow.
Every Thursday evening, Saturday (for school) and Sundays (for county team) I took my son to rugby practice/matches for years. Rain, fog, mud - we all did it because our sons loved it. If a 12 year old is happy to get up at 7am on a Sunday and spend half the day getting rained on and cold and muddy and pummelled - how can I deny him that? I did it from ages 10-16. It was also 'our time'. The drive to and from was a good time to chat. And it also showed him I loved him.
Also - is his Dad around to take him? I'm a widow but I know my son's Dad would have been at every match and practice possible.

BruFord · 20/08/2024 21:21

I agree with others that she should look into carpooling with other parents, that makes a huge difference to us.

@thecatsthecats Two practices a week is pretty low key when they’re older and the teams get more serious, DS (15) has four practices a week.
DD (19) had five when she was on her school’s athletics team!

They both get a lot out of being on sport’s teams though, it’s been worth it for them.

deepstarfish · 20/08/2024 21:22

Agree it depends on the circumstances. I hate taking my son to matches, the atmosphere is often very negative with coaches and often parents shouting constantly. At U11 one match included a fight, and we've been at a match recently where there were adult players on the next pitch that started a fight including punching and screaming swear words which obviously set a great example. Some kids play football in a great environment, some don't, it isn't always a great experience. If he is a goalkeeper, it's also quite likely he is being kicked and trodden on regularly, so physically not necessarily a good thing either and it can be hard to watch.

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DutchCowgirl · 20/08/2024 21:22

It depends. I have 2 sons and we have 2 trainings a week and a match on saturday… and the match is often quite a drive away and they need to be early to warm up…. Easily eats up half your saturday. Teamsports can be really hard to combine with work and other family stuff.

Not so long ago I was also taking care of my elderly parents, and it was often just too much to handle. Luckily other parents in the team helped us out. But if you don’t have such wonderful people around you sometimes just have to chose for yourself.

Xyz1234567 · 20/08/2024 21:26

Well I suppose it would depend on your sister's circumstances. Is she ill/disabled? Does she drive? Does she have 8 other children? Etc etc.

Xyz1234567 · 20/08/2024 21:27

deepstarfish · 20/08/2024 21:22

Agree it depends on the circumstances. I hate taking my son to matches, the atmosphere is often very negative with coaches and often parents shouting constantly. At U11 one match included a fight, and we've been at a match recently where there were adult players on the next pitch that started a fight including punching and screaming swear words which obviously set a great example. Some kids play football in a great environment, some don't, it isn't always a great experience. If he is a goalkeeper, it's also quite likely he is being kicked and trodden on regularly, so physically not necessarily a good thing either and it can be hard to watch.

I would definitely not want my kids anywhere near this!!

Dressinggowntime · 20/08/2024 21:29

It’ll backfire. If they’re not busy they’re getting into mischief and crap you don’t want them to.

Stressfordays · 20/08/2024 21:29

I feel her pain but I still carry on with it. I have 2 academy players and I'm a single mum of 3. My youngest DD spends her life being carted around to football matches, I do feel for her. Then you get a tears and tantrums after a loss, which effects the whole weekend. Eugh, I wish I had balls to tell them they can't do it anymore but the love it so much. Has she looked into lifts? If I have clashing matches then I ask other parents for help.

Abouttimeforanamechange · 21/08/2024 00:42

My youngest DD spends her life being carted around to football matches, I do feel for her.

What happens if or when she wants to take up something for herself?

Copperoliverbear · 21/08/2024 02:45

Bad shelfish parenting and I would tell her so whether she got annoyed or not.

BettyBardMacDonald · 21/08/2024 02:57

A friend long ago made a decision that she and her family would not be involved in sport at all. The kids had other pursuits like robotics, foreign language, environmental concerns.

They are successful young adults now and a happy low stress family. No regrets.

BruFord · 21/08/2024 03:04

@BettyBardMacDonald Playing a sport doesn’t exclude other interests or turn a child into an aggressive meathead!

BettyBardMacDonald · 21/08/2024 05:10

BruFord · 21/08/2024 03:04

@BettyBardMacDonald Playing a sport doesn’t exclude other interests or turn a child into an aggressive meathead!

Edited

No but it is a big time commitment she and her husband didn't want to make. So they didn't , and that hasn't been detrimental to their kids.

MissPeaches · 21/08/2024 05:33

MargaretThursday · 20/08/2024 19:20

There may be far more to it than she has wanted to tell you.

Ds would have liked to be in a football team. He asked when he was about 9 or 10, and hadn't asked before.
There were three main reasons why I never seriously looked into it.

  1. Any teams at that age round here, wanted at least 2 practices during the week and to be available both Saturday and Sunday mornings. He and his sisters did different activities which weren't compatible with doing this and he'd have to drop all other ones and they'd have had to drop something as well. That didn't seem either fair on his sisters, or a good idea for him.
  2. He got terribly emotional over football. I always thought it was learnt behaviour with children and football until I had him. No one in our families is keen, but the first (Paralympic) match he saw he immediately picked a team at each match (neither team was a country he'd have heard of) and we had tears, tantrums, devastation... no one else round him was doing that. I didn't think joining a team was going to do anything for his mental health. He was like that with anything football related. He does other sport and was never like that for any of them.
  3. He had been quite seriously ill the previous year (missed most of a term of school) and was easily tired and got muscle pain a lot. Football didn't seem to be a good idea physically either.

But I think I joked with other parents about not wanting to stand on a freezing cold field to watch.
He has occasionally asked me now he's older why I didn't find a team for him, mostly in a jokey kind of way along the lines of "I could have been a famous footballer by now". I've told him the above. He's not scarred by it; he enjoys a kick round with his friends at the park and still enjoys his other activities which he would have had to give up too.

It’s the OP’s nephew. She’d probably know if any of those were relevant here.

HelpMeGetThrough · 21/08/2024 06:15

I’m surprised that she hates the matches though, they’re fun. We enjoy cheering from the sidelines (the parents on DS’s team all go a bit nuts😂).

My son is a ref and says the children's matches are worse than adult league matches, because of the "sideline experts" shouting that he keeps missing fouls.

ALunchbox · 21/08/2024 06:45

TBF we made a rod for our own backs ferrying our kids to multiple extracurricular sessions a week.

HelenWheels · 21/08/2024 06:53

at this age the football is more serious i found, less fun

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 21/08/2024 07:06

I think she should have thought of that before she let him sign up for the team.

There are a few hobbies I'll strongly discourage my DDs from doing, and that includes anything that involves me spending weekend morning standing on the side of a pitch in the rain.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 21/08/2024 07:30

Well, I see some of my friends dedicate their entire weekends and half their evenings to their kids sports and I think they're bonkers, quite frankly Grin

But then I don't have children and one of the main reasons why is because I like my down time far too much, and couldn't handle all the ferrying around that seems to come with parenting.

As to whether your sister is selfish - that really depends. Are there other children? Does she have an involved partner? Does nephew's dad ever get involved or is it all down to her? Is she also juggling work etc. on top of trying to get him to games? What will they do with the free time if he's not playing football?

Simplelobsterhat · 21/08/2024 07:36

If it's literally just he loves it and she doesn't then yes she is unreasonable. However, I suspect she simplified a more complex issue in the telling. Have you been to games and training, do you actually know how enthusiastic he is in when he is there, or how good, or whether the team is a positive environment, or how the other parents are wiut your sister? There may be all sorts of reasons it just isn't 'worth it's, but she doesn't need to go into it in detail in a message.

For example, my son did rugby. If anyone asked him he would always say he enjoyed it, but I stood twice a week watching as he wandered around the pitch making no effort to get anywhere near the ball, being actively scared of getting close to the other players, complaining he was cold etc. initially I was happy as it was cheap exercise ( he did jog around a bit) and social but actually he only really talked to the kids he was friends with in school anyway. As they got older and more serious and he wasn't improving or seeming more actually enthusiastic at all (as opposed to telling an auntie he liked it if asked), it seemed unfair on the team and a waste of several hours a week of family time to continue.

It also annoyed me that we usually didn't get times for the Sunday games, especially aways, until a couple of days before, so hard to plan family life around it. So I asked if he really wanted to and he 'didn't mind either way'. He stopped a year ago and hasn't mentioned it since or missed it at all. Perhaps your nephew has also said he's enjoyed being free from it over the summer? Unless you've had a detailed conversation I don't think you know enough to judge.

I agree with posters who say kids sports are often too demanding on family life. It seems really hard to get into sport if you don't start young (unless you are the naturally talented type who can catch up with your age group quickly) yet it's hard to try lots of sports young when so many very quickly ramp up the time commitment they expect, particularly team sports. And as much as I agree parents should do what they can to facilitate it, but realistically it is also important to earn money, look after your own wellbeing, treat other kids equally, ensure everyone eats nutritious things, prioritise education, spend time with family and the million other pressures that come with being a parent. Sometimes something has to give.

curtainsareon · 21/08/2024 07:47

She works 9-1 Monday -Thursday
She has 1 other child who is 9
Training was twice a week (but it was opposite to her house at the local community centre )
The only thing she hated was driving him to the matches for 9 am Saturday morning.

I text her last night and she said no she didn't want to re join him (even if I drove him some Saturdays) as it was "too much hassle"

He's gutted as he loved it

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/08/2024 07:49

Your sister is an awful mother. Poor little boy.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 21/08/2024 07:50

So what was the purpose of the thread? To have loads of strangers bash your sister?

Instaflan · 21/08/2024 07:51

That’s really shit, for a lot of reasons. I feel really sorry for him.
Im so hopeful that when my son is older he will have an activity that he’s really keen in, even if he’s naff at it. It’s soooo easy for kids to just be entertained by screens these days that we should be fully encouraging anything that keeps them active. She’s basically encouraging him to be a lazy sap who should make no effort in life.

Portfun24 · 21/08/2024 07:52

Massively selfish and I'd 100% be telling her. A young boy having a hobby he loves that makes him active is a great thing. My sons obsessed with his hobby it's two nights a week till 9pm in a town 30 mins away and we often have two games at the weekend all over the country and it costs a fortune as its one of the most expensive sports, yeah some nights or weekends I can't be arsed with the travelling but once we get there and I see him playing it brings us both so much joy. I'd never deprive him of that.

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