What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

I’m interested as to why you are not happy to be asked about your unusual accent. What is it about answering g the question that irritates you?

I live in a part of the UK which does not have the same accent as where I grew up. I don’t mind being asked in the sense that I don’t think it’s a rude question, but it does get a bit boring that every new person asks me the same thing, whereas they don’t ask Debbie with a local accent to talk about her childhood within 2 mins of meeting her. I find it a bit funny that people don’t realise I’ve been asked a million times.

(To be honest it’s even worse when I meet someone who shares my accent though, if we are both away from our native area, they always home in and we invariably realise we have nothing in common beyond the way that we both speak!)

I work for an animal rescue. If I meet a new person and we're talking about animals/rescue ( which I often do) etc about half the time the person interrupts after a few minutes , tilts their head smiles condescendingly and says "oh I can detect a little accent there, where are you from?"

Can you see that that's rude? It means that the person wasn't really interested in what I was saying just in ,how I was saying it.

OP, you replied, “…not accosting random people at the bus stop and demanding to know where they are from.”

This exact situation happened to me. I was very happy when the bus came.

We all live on a planet that has many travel options. It is human nature to be interested in other people. I'm very sorry that so many people are interested in so many of you, maybe they really shouldn't be. Maybe you need to be a little less human? Maybe we should all wear the same drab clothes and have the same accent and completely erase all our history and knowledge and never learn anything from each other ever again.

So progressive!

I’m very obviously mixed race, I may have been born here but it’s obvious my ancestors were not all white. I am not offended if people ask in the least. Even though I endured racism as a kid I just really can't be arsed to be offended if people are curious. I get ooh aren’t you posh due to my accent as a Southerner living in the North in an ex mining area. I mean I stand out because I am Southern and because it is very white where we live.

I will add I have no axe to grind even though the commonwealth country my Father was from was exploited. I am a person that takes zero notice of sins of the fathers as a concept. If the whole world could get over itself regarding this it would be a much better place for everyone.

I have an unusual name and quite often get, "That's a pretty name, where's it from?" Which I think is a nice way of asking because it's directed at my name rather than at me. So I can say the name is ... If I don't want to engage. Or I can reply with name is ... Because... and give as much or as little detail as is appropriate.

Yes not everyone enjoys talking about “where they come from” is that hard for you to comprehend? Let’s put it in a hierarchy for you, worse than “I had the weirdest dream last night…”, better than detailed descriptions of your bowel movements.

This works for me with anybody & everybody. It assumes they're local & I let them fill in any further info if they want to.

I'm white British & haven't lived where I grew up & where my roots are for over 30 years so it could equally work for me!

I'm also very curious, as I am interested in different countries and cultures etc. However, I accept that I don't have any right to know about this stuff, and I respect the fact that, while some people might be happy or even eager to talk about their heritage, others would prefer not to. Consequently, I avoid "othering" people by asking unsolicited questions.

I often find that those who are happy to talk about their heritage tend to make references to it themselves, and then I can then show my interest by asking about it further.

Well I’ve got news for you.

Id hate that and would it extremely rude.
It’s not about being politically correct. It’s more about not looking ignorant that people might well be British even though they are a strange accent/different skin colour/different facial features.

HTH

Or it be called othering.
Esp when in a context where you’d never ask that question to someone who is ‘obviously’ British (whatever that might mean for you)

these are the sort of situations that happen to me too. For example I met a new neighbour, introduce myself and within 2 mins he mentions my accent. And people here still ask why it’s offensive to ask about an accent 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

“Unusual accent” you see even that is a micro aggression. Do you speak a foreign language? Do you know how hard it is to be fluent and live in a different country?

really nice to be constantly reminded to be different and “other” even though the UK is my home now.

OP - asking “where are you from” in an international school context has completely different connotations, because by design, nearly everybody at an international school is from “somewhere else.” It’s not othering or offensive because it’s the status quo, and also, let’s face it - because they are rich and therefore considered “expats” rather than immigrants 🙄

However, asking exactly the same question(s) in other settings might indeed be very othering and offensive, especially in a context where people don’t have the privilege of being thought of as “expats.” PP have done a great job of explaining why so won’t repeat, but ultimately context matters as well as who is asking, who is being asked, and why.

To be clear, not saying that “expats” can’t experience othering - just that international schools are a pretty unrepresentative example of how people might respond to this question.

I usually say 'that's an unusual name. Where is it from?'

I have always had a positive response.

I don't ask this question. I think it's just too loaded. I try and connect in other ways even though I am often curious.

I have to admit I don’t understand why people find it so rude, if it’s not asked in a hostile manner, but apparently they do so I tend to go down the “are you from round here” or something and see what information is volunteered. With friends I’ve known longer I’ve asked stuff about their native languages or their background more directly but that’s within a closer, more trusting friendship.

fwiw yes i am white and British but I’ve lived abroad for large portions of my life and had this question because I looked different. I didn’t mind it. One of the most outright ones was a fella who sat next to me on a coach, took one look and said (in his native language, which I do speak) “you’re not from around here” I found it quite funny. I guess times have changed though.

@Meadowfinch 😂 😂 😂
having been asked that many times myself, I can guarantee you that the “positive response” is because people are being polite. We know you’re just being nosy…

I am white so I don't have direct experience, but i have heard often enough that people who are not white, after being asked that question and answering 'here' are then asked 'but where are you really from?' even if they were born and raised there.

And my understanding is that when you call a place home, being asked where you are really from is understandably not a good feeling. It's like saying, well, you can't possibly be from here you're not white.

And I don't wish to be one of those people asking that question to someone who has had to answer it many, many times.

It's widely understood to be rude and othering. You can argue that it's not, it's meant out of curiosity, and maybe it is, but it's not always received as such so I avoid it.

But I get that not everyone understands that or sees it that way. It's a bit of an obvious question, too. I would rather talk to people about their jobs or passions or families or dogs tbh.

I hear you Op, I've travelled a lot and when I meet someone with an accent, or they look like they're from the USA, India, parts of Africa etc I've travelled to, I want to ask! I've had some lovely chats with people chatting about the country they were born in/lived in and that I've loved when I've travelled.

I generally wait or the information to be offered, or I say 'do you have family in....? Is your heritage xxxx?'

Who do you ask? And why?

I'm white British and have a London accent. Would you ask me? My grandparents were immigrants but you may not suspect that if you just met me

I usually ask people where they live, then sometimes if they've been there long. It tends to grow to them mentioning their home city or country organically.
I also might ask what languages they speak? And I'd mention the couple I vaguely speak (badly).
If they have a British accent I'd just assume born here, no matter what they looked like. Though would still ask the one about where they live.

I speak and work in a foreign language. I absolutely know how hard it is to be fluent -not having achieved it yet- and to live in a different country (which I have done 4 times)

My “unusual” accent gets remarked on very early in the conversation. Nonetheless I react to it in a completely different way to you.
I think you just might be prickly and have got into a habit of seeing offence where none exists. I am aware of how the UK has changed for the worse since Brexit so I’m not diminishing your lived experience. But my own lived experience tells me that when you get to this level of sensitivity perhaps it is time to move on. Also perhaps reflect on why it upsets you- typically people resent feeling that they will be looked down when you say where they come from, but if you embrace your national pride and actively reject any sense of superiority coming from the other you will soon find it doesn’t bother you half as much.

if you find yourself using the term “micro aggression” in a way that isn’t at least partially ironic, you need to leave the work DEI network because they are mostly populated by crazy zealots- and a couple of plants like me who are maxing out on their protected characteristics!

I don't ask any question now because:

• whatever people ask it's picked apart/wrong
• everyone takes offence and seems to think you're being racist, when the majority aren't

So to avoid saying 'the wrong thing' or ask the 'wrong' question I don't ask - easy 🙂