How to just stop.. worrying about guys?

[noidea098]

So I met this guy last night. He seemed really nice, the vibes seemed right and I ended up going back to his.

I texted him this morning and we’ve messaged a tiny bit today. We said we would meet up again when I left…

I just get so emotionally attached though and I think he was genuinely the best guy I’ve ever been with in bed. But I am really really trying not to get my hopes up though as I know these kind of things can lead nowhere 😟

I had a ONS that turned into a serious relationship, many that led nowhere, and some in between... but in terms of not getting attached and not worrying, what helped me was always making sure I had multiple lines of communication open

Yeah.. as they say don’t put your eggs in one basket

but just find it so hard 😕

Any other advice? Feel so rubbish

There's nothing you can do but give it a go. I think if you're keen, don't be afraid of showing it. There's no need to play games - if he's also keen he'll reciprocate, if not, then you know.

What do you feel rubbish about ?? That you slept with him.straight away ?? Nothing to feel bad about that. Do you think he enjoyed himself too ?? If so he'll probably want to see you again. But who knows? How did you leave it....that he would contact you or you contact him ? I'm a big believer that the sexes are equal & nothing wrong with you contacting him during the week to see if he wants to meet up....if that's what you want.

Don't know what advice you're looking for. @

He’s still messaging but not initiating much conversation. But he just wasn’t giving ONS vibes this morning. Why ask for my number if you don’t want to see me again!

How do you know he doesn't want to see you again ? It's been 24 hours fgs !

You know, you can always ask him for a date. This is 2024......not 1824 !

Yes but I always chase them. I always ask if they want to go out. Never the other way! And I want to be with a guy who actually makes the effort with me!

This isn't a moral judgement on immediate sex, but do you think it's possibly heightening your potential attachment and your anxiety?

I wouldn't be able to handle it so I wait until we've built more of an attachment.

This is one of those time will tell situations.

Asking for your number could mean interest, or it could be a safe, friendly way of letting you down. Just saying bye makes him sound like a dick, saying he's not interested could result in arguments or clinginess, so adding is another way of just easing out without stress.

You won't know until he starts finding excuses for next dates, or simply phases you out.

Yes definitely think sex is adding another dimension to this.

I just feel totally sick to my stomach that he’s going to ghost me / tell me he’s not interested. I’ve had this so many times before and each time I feel like the guy is different, but he’s not. I know it’s so stupid - I don’t know who he is!! But I’m just getting completely different vibes now from what he was like in person…

I have no idea how you could emotionally attach so quickly but I did read that chemicals released during sex can be a factor. Look this is not a moral judgement but for me I needed quite a while before I would consider sleeping with someone. I’m the opposite to you and struggle to like men romantically, fine as friends just saw my much older sisters get their hearts broken when I was a kid and thought what a bloody pain to be beholden to feelings and could have interfered with my career plans.

Who knows what he is thinking, to really have an insight in to someone’s psyche can take years and even then it can be off.

So you didn’t know him at all before yesterday. You really can’t have any idea of how this will pan out. Just do not stress.

Is casual sex something you regularly do? I'm not judging, I've had lots of casual sex in my past and I recognise it can leave you a bit deflated if it doesn't work out. It sounds like you really want more, not just a quick fling, so maybe it might be better to take a step back, go on a few dates and get to know them a bit. On the flip side, I had sex with my husband the first night, but I think in general if things get sexual too early, most men won't take you seriously. It's not right, because they're doing it too, but that's how it is.

@PensionMention I don’t understand it too and I wish I wasn’t like this! You are totally right- I didn’t know him until Saturday night and I know I am being irrational. But I just crave intimacy and we were very intimate. I know it means nothing… but we were honestly acting like we were a couple.

@GigiAnnna I definitely want more, yes. But I seem to just be stuck in this vicious cycle of going out, getting drunk and having ONS. Or going on dates and sleeping with them either on the first or second date. I actually hadn’t had sex before Saturday for about 4 months.

Maybe he is playing it cool. Maybe he isn’t interested. But it’s just causing me anxiety…

Also, we did say we would go out again before he left. There’s no need to say that if you don’t actually mean it!

Quite honestly?

a) Stop having sex with men so soon.
b) Work on your self-esteem.

I mean this genuinely. You're putting all your feelings and self-worth into random men and then feeling like shit.

@Yourethebeerthief I know 😢 I do feel like total shit now.

I just want to meet someone and have a connection. And I am worrying that’s never going to happen. You start to wonder what’s wrong with you!

I think you might possibly be coming on too strong and that's why things lead nowhere for you.

I can smell clingon off a man and it's an instant turn off. The beginning should be fun, with no pressure or expectations, and things should progress organically if there's more there.

You're looking for love and you won't find it this way.

Take up new hobbies, get outdoors, look after yourself first and foremost.

Join a cycling, walking, or climbing group. Something like that. It's a far better way to meet men. But don't do things with the intention of meeting men. Forget about that and get on with enjoying your life.

Perhaps get some therapy about this, talk to a professional.

@Sparrowball I definitely think I’ve been like that in the past. But I don’t see how I could have been like that in this situation. I’ve not suggested a date, we’re not messaging constantly, he kissed me goodbye, made it out like he wants to see me.

I just think from being interested to not hurts whether you’ve known them 1 day or 1 year.

He might want to see you again, he might have politely ended what he considered a ONS.

Chasing him won't help either way. You've texted him, you've chatted, wait and see if he initiates conversation again.

I assure you that men aren't thinking like that when they go out on a Saturday night.

For a relationship to start & then to grow you need to get to know someone. You need to go on dates.....many dates....before you fall in love. A man wont fall in love & want you to be their "forever" after one night. It will take time. Maybe months. There are woman on here who have been living with their boyfriends for years who still cant get commitment.

If this is making you sick to your stomach then you're not ready to date OP. It's been 24 hours and if I met someone the night before and they were already getting thoughts of being sick to their stomach I'd run a mile. If I met a bloke and not even 24 hours later he was worried so much that I was going to ghost him, I'd be off!

You need to work on this as you'll end up giving off these vibes. It's been since last night. He might have your number to make sure you're home safe as PP said, but you also need to condition yourself that he might just want casual sex. You cannot tell after a mere one night shag if he wants to commit to you or chase you. If he asks to see you again, or you ask him even, and you both agree on a date, then ask him what he's after so you're both on the same page.

But I really don't think you're ready for this and you're setting yourself up to be heartbroken over effectively a one night stand.

Calm down a bit and take each day as it comes. You have huge attachment issues. If the guy says he wants only casual sex or a friendship there's nothing wrong with that, but you know he isn't the guy for you.

Also, how could you possibly know you want more with this guy, you've known him for a few hours at this point. You know nothing about him or his life and he doesn't you.

Casual sex is not for you if you're getting this hung up on a one night stand not messaging you enough the next day op. And I don't mean that in a judgy way, but you are almost giving off a too eager vibe which might put someone off after meeting you only once, you need to find value and self esteem being on your own instead of relying on men to give that to you.