How to just stop.. worrying about guys?

[noidea098]

So I met this guy last night. He seemed really nice, the vibes seemed right and I ended up going back to his.

I texted him this morning and we’ve messaged a tiny bit today. We said we would meet up again when I left…

I just get so emotionally attached though and I think he was genuinely the best guy I’ve ever been with in bed. But I am really really trying not to get my hopes up though as I know these kind of things can lead nowhere 😟

Well he’s been online on WhatsApp so he is definitely ignoring me

Have you even messaged? What was the last bit of convo like?

Yes I messaged him this morning. He was just responding to my last message. No questions or real chat or anything.

Sorry, SWEAR off casual sex, not ‘sweat’. Not to make men want to see you again, but because the consequences are clearly miserable for someone of your constitution.

Yeah I just give up. I am slowly realising he’s probably gonna ghost me. It’s just the anticipation / waiting I hate - but never mind!

If you get so emotionally attached after meeting up and sleeping with someone once, you need to stop meeting up with and sleeping with people. Get some therapy and work on your self esteem. Your worth isn't measured by how much a man texts you.

Fall in love with you own life instead.

All the Internet stalking, pondering, dreaming you do about a guy? Do it about yourself and your own future.

I've given this advice for years but it has taken on an added poignancy this year when I 1) had a baby and suddenly I thought of all the things I'd do if I had no dependents.
2) my OH has been diagnosed with a brain cancer, so of course now it's easy to think about one lifetime!

Honestly, enjoy dating and enjoy feeling smitten but please be the star of your own life story.

Well, just behave as though he has. Honestly, OP, this is ridiculous, and I mean this kindly. You went on ONE date. It doesn’t merit this kind of ‘jilted at the altar after five happy years’ type of misery and soul-searching. Are you this anxious about friendships as well, or just romantic situations?

Yes I know I have a HUGE amount of work to do on myself @Mobcap. I think one of the issues may be that I feel very lonely (romantically - I have solid friends who I can rely on) - and I crave intimacy so when it happens, I am HUGELY over-valuing it to the point where the guy who is giving it to me is put on an extremely high pedestal. I overthink at the best of times so when I find myself in these situations my response is quite irrational. I also think I have a scarcity mindset - so I think there's never going to be anyone else interested in me. I have never had a long-term partner and I am in my 30s. Generally I am fine with my friendships.

Then now is the time to lean on your friends, ask them over, go out for dinner, plan to climb a mountain at the weekend, ask them to distract you, big you up etc. All the things we do for friends when they are doubting themselves or anguished about something.

By ‘intimacy’ here do you just mean sex?

@Mobcap I think it's more than sex. I think it's being wanted, being loved, physical touch etc. Being "couply" and having someone to reply on other than my friends and family.

But that’s not something that happens on one date! Having sex with a stranger isn’t necessarily any more intimate than dancing with one, or chatting to someone at the bus stop. It is not about ‘being loved’ or ‘couply’ or ‘having someone to rely on’. That comes much later on if you establish a decent, balanced relationship.

I’ve had a perfectly sexually satisfying FWB situation with a guy I didn’t much like except in bed. It suited us both for a few months. But I was relying on my friends for emotional support etc if I needed it. I didn't get a job I really wanted around then, but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to tell him. He wasn’t my boyfriend or someone to rely on just because I slept with him a lot when we were both single and didn’t want to be celibate or have endless ONS.

I think you’re over-emotionalising sex, and seeing it as a sort of future promise, and then getting terribly anxious if the other person just thought it was a nice recreational shag.

I find it so strange that you have felt so attached so quickly. I mean was he all that and a bag of chips??

Mute him for a week on WhatsApp.

Stop having casual sex as it is clearly messing with your head.

I think you're projecting the idea of your ideal man onto this guy. You don't know much about him at all and so you can't know that he's a compatible partner for you. I would stop dating for a while, think about what you really want from a relationship and in time get to know someone before you have sex. Casual sex has its place but when you're looking for love it can leave you feeling empty inside. And from personal experience, sex with a devoted partner is so much better than with a random person.

Why would you message constantly after a ONS?

Clearly causal sex is not for you. So why not chill out and try and meet men another way. Don’t sleep with them until you know them. Don’t keep firing messages at them.

Nothing will change unless you change your behaviour.

Well you said he was great in bed ..
How do you think he got that way?

@noidea098 I agree with what most ppl are saying. This isn't about this guy, and is more about, as you've identified, what you crave. To address your recent point, I don't think volume of texts and chatting is an indicator; both my (now) husband and I, messaged very infrequently in the beginning; established we wanted to meet by chatting, but then we only really texted weekly ish, to arrange dates. I'd leave it to him to initiate now - and then you'll know for sure. Best of luck - it's bloody tough out there!

You said he was great in bed ..
How do you think he got that way?

Also I found it so much easier to chat to multiple guys, so not to pressure 1 connection!

what are you going to lose if you show you like him. Like you already slept with him - what more there you have to hide ? He has seen it all

And exercise! Get to the gym/ team sport or something; you'll be too busy to worry, and you'll dispel negative emotions / get some endorphins flowing :)

@Delatron I just don't think he came across though as he was in it for a ONS. He asked for my number, he said he would take me out again, he was interested way more in my own pleasure than his. But, I guess actions speak louder than words... yes, I haven't messaged again but I also haven't heard from him all day.

@MilkyCappuchino I think I have shown I like him by messaging and asking questions etc. He is the one who is showing me he isn't interested now I think...

The man also jumped into bed with her on first meeting. What does that make him? 🙄

Okay so he messaged me back about 5 mins ago. However - no questions, no real chat, nothing for me to actually reply to…

What’s the best move I can make right now?

@noidea098 nothing. Your best course of action is nothing. If he only responded without a lead to respond back then no need to. Do not chase him.