How to just stop.. worrying about guys?

[noidea098]

So I met this guy last night. He seemed really nice, the vibes seemed right and I ended up going back to his.

I texted him this morning and we’ve messaged a tiny bit today. We said we would meet up again when I left…

I just get so emotionally attached though and I think he was genuinely the best guy I’ve ever been with in bed. But I am really really trying not to get my hopes up though as I know these kind of things can lead nowhere 😟

I don’t really think I was THAT forward to be honest. I was reciprocating his energy on text and all I did was ask to go for a drink seeing as that’s what we talked about.

I went to the gym to distract myself. Feel a bit crap again now. ONS are not for me. But the dating apps are bloody awful too.

I am back… ARGH still feeling shit. I think I need to delete his number and if he messages then he messages. If not, it’s a 👻

@noidea098 so you met him out in say a pub sat night and went back to his but you went home? you did not stay in his place overnight and then he asked for your number before you went home? And he did not tell you he was away for work this week?

Absolutely this. If he is away from work he is lining up a shag or he is hedging his bets and seeing if there is anyone else. Or away with his girlfriend.

Wait longer till.you have sex.

Can you not see how unhealthy this behaviour is? You've spent days posting about this. Ignoring all the advice you have been given.

What are you expecting from posting here now?

@noidea098 honestly, it's not this hard when it's right. You will know without any what ifs. Kindly, it's time to move on. He said he wouldn't message this week (if he even really is away), and if he does - it will be for 1 thing. Honestly keeping investing in something that's making you feel this crap, isn't worth it. If he messages now - IGNORE. If he was keen he would have made it clear by now. Please - for your own sanity.

This isn't even really about him - as you've identified. Get to work on your emotional health - then you won't give some random this amount of power over your wellbeing x

Because, anthroplogially the result of what could be a 10 minute encounter for a man could be an 18 year commitment for a woman. Woman are therefore biologically programmed to be a lot more selective about partners than men are.

@MotherOfShihTzus yep, I am aware it’s completely blown out of proportion. But still can’t help feeling like I do. I know he’s not going to text me, I know he’s probably going to ghost me yet I still can’t stop myself feeling upset by it!!

This is such a big issue. The day after a ONS you should be busy with your own fulfilling life. Thinking about him maybe, but not prioritising him over all the other good things you have going.

If you have not much going on, or not much that truly matters to you - that is the problem that needs fixing.

You want to be engaged with the world - have activities you love attending, skills you enjoy developing, fitness goals you work hard to achieve, friends you adore, a cause or two you devote some time to. These things should create passion in your life, and preoccupy you as much as sex with some random.

If you are looking to a stranger to take centre-place in your life because there's a gap there, then he will sense this and run a mile. That's your job, not his. If I were a man I'd think this is a red flag.

@noidea098 it's ok to feel upset at a lost possibility, but it's important to try and not attach too much importance to it, or to feel that this person's lack of interest, in any way, affects your self worth. I think that's where the line should be.

I've been where you are, and as @Meadowwild says, the way you can start to combat this pattern is to ensure you have lots of things you enjoy, and spend time doing in your life. I joined a netball team, touch rugby and even the Women's Institute, and fully nurtured my friendships. I then didn't get so hung up on it when I guy didn't share the same level of interest, I found it easier to move on. Online dating is a minefield! But I met my now husband online - you just both have to 'have your light on' at the same time, as well as all the others things that attract you to one another. This guy just isn't in the same place re. Relationship expectations as you, and that's ok. It's no reflection on you or that you slept together x

I think you are in your 30s and want a relationship. This is fine and may be will happen very soon. Don't do ONS....

This is also true. There are exceptions to this rule - people who had a one night stand and never left each other's side for the next thirty years, but in general, men think (or don't think, just subconsciously assume) that any woman who sleeps with them straightaway is not much of a catch. She's willing to jump into bed because anyone will do.

Men love to feel they have won a bit of a prize when it comes to women. Someone who has standards and is picky but chose them. Two ways of implying this - if you are looking for a LTR are:

• have a great life! Be an interesting person whose diary is not always empty and who doesn't cancel everything to put a man first because her other plans are equally exciting to her.
• don't sleep with someone on a first, second or third date. Make sure you have spent time in each other's company, got to know each other, sussed out whether you are both after similar things before leaping into bed.

Hi everyone. So as everyone rightly predicted this guy was not interested and sent me a rejection message about a week ago. I didn’t reply but then on Friday night I was a bit tipsy and did message back, saying no problem etc, tried to act all cool by being like I didn’t want anything serious anyway (in his message he said he wasn’t in the right headspace to date) I think in the hope of encouraging him to reply… but anyway of course he hasn’t and now I just feel so dumb for replying. I really wish I hadn’t. Is it really cringe? I just need to forget and move on but I also sometimes wish I took the high road and let them have the last word 😤

Was it really bad that I replied? Do you think he was just sat there cringing hard at my low level of self respect and self esteem?

Does it matter ? You'll never going to see him again so who cares what he thinks.

Time to move on. Stop thinking about him & get back on the horse/bike/whatever.

This. You’ll never see him again. He has all the relevance in your life of someone beside whom you once burped at a bus stop.

Problem is I do keep seeing him because we live in the same place so it’s just quite awkward.

Block him and delete all the texts and his number. Your behaviour is very cringe.

You can avoid seeing someone you don't want to see. Even in a small town.

You keep doing the same thing over and over with the same results.

No, I don’t imagine he’s given you enough thought to come to this conclusion. It’s only yourself who’s tying themselves in knots with psychoanalysis of this - he’s off getting on with his life, I’m afraid.

It would be far better for you if you deleted all conversations and numbers, and did the same.