How to just stop.. worrying about guys?

[noidea098]

So I met this guy last night. He seemed really nice, the vibes seemed right and I ended up going back to his.

I texted him this morning and we’ve messaged a tiny bit today. We said we would meet up again when I left…

I just get so emotionally attached though and I think he was genuinely the best guy I’ve ever been with in bed. But I am really really trying not to get my hopes up though as I know these kind of things can lead nowhere 😟

why? you don't need him to reject you. Surely you should be deciding if you want him. And nobody in their right mind would want a bloke who is so not into you. Find your self esteem and stop waiting for someone to give you their approval.

You’re getting some harsh truths here OP but i get where you’re at. It’s so easy to fall into thinking if you only had a bloke things would be so much different. And the company and attention is lovely.

But, it’s only been once and as everyone is saying (and I need to take on board too), you have to be comfortable with you for relationships to really work. Just keep ploughing through and in a day or two you will wonder why you’ve been so obsessed with this. And take some time for you, because you can’t put yourself through this misery every time you meet a bloke.

This thread reads just like this one

Devastated with my life at age 31 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/5079871-devastated-with-my-life-at-age-31

Endless advice ignored by the OP in favour of continuing as they are but wallowing about it.

@mummypigoink thank you 🥺 I know I am being irrational and silly but I am not doing it for any other reason than pure naivety and lack of relationship experience. I’d like to think I am a kind, loving person and I want someone to treat me right.. but, for some reason I get obsessed over men who don’t treat me like this.

@Shadesofscarlett I gue

@Shadesofscarlett sorry pressed send too soon! I suppose to get the tiniest bit of attention.. for self-validation, to re-assure me that one day someone might like me?

well stop. you will never be happy if you hook all your self esteem on someone else wanting you. that way madness lies.

Honestly go and get some counselling. and when you are ready to date make sure it is you deciding if they are what you want. stop giving away the power. honestly being single is easier than this!

@Shadesofscarlett I agree, it’s definitely easier being single!!

I just wonder if I should see if he wants to go for a drink and then at least I’d know for sure… he might be trying to see if I am interested..

honestly this is just self sabotage! If he wanted to he would tell you. Why are you even giving him headspace. You don't even know if he is a nice or good person and you are posting and tying yourself in knots. why?

@Shadesofscarlett because I have a scarcity mindset, I have no self esteem, I fear that I am never going to fall in love with someone, and no one is going to fall in love with me. I fear that I am never going to be good enough for anyone.

so you need to deal with this first before you even consider dating anyone. Otherwise you whole life will be laying yourself down to be trampled all over by any man who feels like it. You know this is the advice you would give to a friend.

@noidea098 you showed him you are interested by initiating contacting after the ONS. Honestly - if he wants to see you, he will make it happen. Please don't ask him out; you will learn more about whether he is worthy of your time by judging his next move.

He doesn't want to go for a drink with you. You really need to throw this one back.

Yep ok, I have just deleted the conversation and his number.

@CleanShirt I get that now, but why say he would take me out before we parted ways... I just can't help but over analysing it ALL.

Because it's just something people say. I could tell you that I've got 50 million quid and it doesn't make it true. Unfortunately it seems like he just wanted to get his end away.

I'd really recommend some talking therapy to understand these insecurities you have.

Maybe he has every intention of getting in touch in a few days or maybe he thought its better than saying see you around then ,who knows ,people say things all the time they don't necessarily mean.

Everyone will hate me for doing this. And it’s not because I am not taking this advice seriously. I am and it’s really helpful. But I just had to know.

I asked him if he wanted to meet up this week. He said he is travelling with work but will get in touch when he’s home. He actually replied to me within like 10 minutes but I don’t really know what to make of that!

No-one will hate you pet, it's not our issue - it's yourself you're torturing!

OP, echoing the other posters on here, please get therapy over your low self esteem.
It’s very unlikely you’ll find a decent man when you are this needy.

You've got to stop doing this to yourself, stop sleeping with men you don't know. Men you meet on drunken nights out are not it. It's not for you. Stop.

See, @noidea098 , (gently), you got you're reply and you're still trying to figure out if he likes you. It didn't help to message him. DON'T message - only then will you see if he likes you enough to sort it out himself. It's the only way to know. He knows you're keen - you don't have to prove it.

You’ve got a quick answer, a reason for why he’s not been in contact and a somewhat non-commital response. At this point now YOU LEAVE IT. The ball is in his court, get on with your life and see if he comes back to you. If he doesn’t, he’s a poor quality person for not telling the truth and you’re better off out of it.

Now, what are you going to do tonight to distract yourself that’s not obsessing over what he’s doing?

At best he wants another shag. At worst he's just not into you. Neither of these are good for you.

The thing about human interaction is there are accepted patterns, norms. Sometimes people break out of those because it's special/different etc but in general
people behave within certain limits and that's how we feel safe and how we (sadly) make those initial judgments that we rely on to decide how we feel about someone.

People who act outside of those norms make us uncomfortable - for example ignoring normal social cues or trying to dive into relationships/friendships way way too soon.

By prejudging this, deciding he is going to ghost you and panicking etc, you're actually cutting this off without giving it a chance because you start to give off uncomfortable intense vibes.

Thats probably a lot of leaps and generalising from me, and also I'm not condoning it, but we do tend to judge that way.