Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

If you get another girlfriend she will want a baby too so you won't get the life you wanted back ever.
You won't be free and single ever again so unless you walk away from your family and never have a girlfriend again you need to get over it tbh

Go read the thread. I'm pointing out that they say the same things. She was basically asking advice, stating the scenario and also thinking of leaving her dp. It wasn't a rant, like "ooh I miss my childfree days". It was like this thread. xyz is wrong with my partner im thinking of leaving

That’s completely untrue. There are plenty of women who don’t want kids or who have older kids. I hate the argument that you should stay because you won’t find anyone better. As the OP says, he would prefer being on his own to being with his DW. It’s not about dumping her for someone else.

Me me me me. It’s all about what you want and need and not one word about what would be best for your two children and the poor woman you married.

Actually she said they don't cuddle, don't have sex, don't even have the same sense of humour all of which was making her miss her old life, she hasn't said she wants to leave to return to that life.

God when the drudgery of daily life and the cheekiness of my teens gets on top of me sometimes I miss my 20s, my crazy days of living abroad and having a great time. Luckily I have an affectionate DP who makes me laugh all the time and who I enjoy spending time with and helps me understand teenage boys attitudes, so the thoughts are fleeting.

From one man to another you are an absolute shithouse. A selfish irresponsible prick and I refuse to apologise for my comments. You have a child with this lady and now you have decided to have another and then you’re going to leave her. You disgust me. You are one cruel bastard and I sincerely hope karma pays you a visit. You make me puke. Give your damn head a wobble and take responsibility for the carnage you are going to put your family through. I absolutely despise wankers like you.

@Nobodywouldknow it's not untrue

All the men I know who have left wives for younger models end up stuck with a baby in their late forties ..

Obvs it's not definite but most women if they have got them already will want a a baby and if they already have a family he will just be swapping his for someone else's

I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else

And here in a nut shell is how life is easier for men than women. A woman in this situation would be faced with being a single parent, how could she afford this, would the Father hang around to provide any support and give her any breaks, how will she manage working full time with kids? How will she manage school holidays? Will she be able to give her child the best start in life on one income?

This selfish man-child on the other hand, is just faced with pissing off to be by himself or taking up with another woman, leaving his wife to raise the kids and him to pop in as a part-time Dad as a very temporary interruption to his happy single life. He has just assumed that this is his option and he can leave all the hard work and hard life to the woman.

You absolute, absolute bastard.

Well said.

My mom is aware
@Lionsfan
You must be in the USA, no-one in the UK says mom, it's always "mum"

This is SO true!

I work in an office and the amount of men who have grown up kids, trade their wives in for younger models and then end up with babies within the next year...then have to start all over again. The excitement wears off pretty sharpish then! Seen it happened 3 times in the office so far!

Northerners do

You don't love her but still have sex with her?
You don't want kids and still try for another one?
I think, and I'm completely honest and non judgemental when I write this, that you are going to be miserable regardless of what you do because you are struggling about your own self and relying in others, other stuff to bring you happiness.
Work on yourself first and don't make any regretful decision meanwhile you are in such a mess is my advice.

@ItsAlrightDarling
These are her words. IMO it s pretty similar. Basically dissatisfied and questioning whether to leave.

"Do I stay and hope for the best whilst in the early years? Maybe I would grow to love him truly as an actual romantic partner. Then by the time the kids are a little older we'll have built a relationship as romantic partners and not just housemates/parents.

Our incomes combined would also give us a comfortable life for our children. Not luxurious but comfortable. Holiday abroad once a year and weekend breaks with activities and clubs.

Or

Do we separate now whilst the kids are too young to remember us ever being a thing? "

Another man walking away from his responsibilities. Have you any idea how many women miss their ‘freedom’ but they don’t leave their kids. Face up to the choices you’ve made.

You intentionally brought a child into the world and have helped create another one that will be arriving shortly. You owe it to them to grow the fuck up, and realise that having a family means giving other things up, and at least try to salvage the relationship. Not just think it would be better for you and you would be happier leaving while their mother is left with all the heavy lifting and drudgery and stress of being a single parent.

Counselling. Individual and couples. You at least owe it to your children, and the person you vowed to love and support and honour, to give an honest, real effort try to save the relationship.

@Lionsfan
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5133585-ive-ruined-my-life-by-having-a-family

read this thread. A mother posted this and got some kinder responses. May be something useful there for you.

so you basically put your wife and your two now kids in this position only to leave them because your wife does not make you enough think with your lower head.

I don't have good comments for you and will not insult you rather than say you are immoral, boneless and probably addicted to sex

The point that is to be made is that SHE made the choice to have two kids with a man, that she suddenly realised she doesn’t love, isn’t funny, financially not as well off as her and has ED. She was aware however of these facts before she had kids and before she bought a new house.

The advice was to her was fawning. However the reality is she made the choices and was blaming her DP. She needed to own the decisions she has made freely and willingly and stop focusing on herself.

Just like the OP does. He needs to own the decisions he’s made and stop focusing on himself. He needs to step up for his family

We say Mam. Midlands say mom.

You are unbelievably horrible and selfish to agree to try for another baby, and now she's pregnant, talk about her so badly and actually think about leaving at what is likely going to be the hardest time of her life.

Disgusting.

This is part of the reason the birth rate is dropping. Men are as unwilling as ever to make the sacrifices necessary to be a parent and now that women can earn their own money it's much more difficult to coerce them into giving everything up to be a parent.

'Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.'

and how will you feel @Lionsfan if as a result of you admitting you don't love your wife / don't want to be with your wife / wish to divorce,

if she decides to abort this ' planned and wanted ' child

I am going to come off this as it is making me very depressed and verging on suicidal (thoughts I have had for many years, before my son was born) so for my own good and my family's I'll come off this site. So I appreciate again the feedback, but it's better for everyone (especially my kids) if I leave. I wanted some anonymous advice/feedback and was ready for the abuse but it isn't helping now. Take care all.