Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

Well talk to her then. You might find she wants the same as you and she’d rather leave you so that she can find someone better.

My mom always said. "the thing about 2nd marriages is that you take yourself with".
I'm never sure the grass is going to be greener if you leave. You and all your flaws will still be there.

Also toddler years are hard on any marriage. I think you owe it to yourself and your children and your wife to try harder. Most divorces happen when children are young. It isn't a coincidence. Its a hard time, its not the fact that they 'suddenly' figured out they weren't right for each other.
I'd also read "the unexpected legacy of divorce". You'll be surprised that despite the best of intentions from parents, kids don't come out unscathed.

She suggests leaving because life isn’t as fun as it was as when she was in her 20s. Going out, having a drink with friends etc. is that a better excuse?

Why on earth didn’t you say that to begin with? It makes a big difference.

Who is she planning to leave her kids with?

Totally different situation. She didn't choose to marry him and had been married to him for 4 years before having the first child. It was during the whole covid debacle and she admits it wouldn't have gone on had life been normal. She also says she can't just waltz off this time as she has 2 tiny people who depend on her.

Honestly I would just put up with her, but kind of live a separate life in my head. I.e I'd go golf, football etc.

Just see her as a roommate until the kids are older and then I'd spend even less time actively with her. I.e golf trips, holidays without it.

FFS!
Don't you think she deserves more than this?
Yeah, I bet he'd love to live his separate life with all the home comforts.
At least when he goes, she will be able to live her life without this whinging whining manchild around her.

@Silversidhe I take it back! You were right - he's now said she did know, which makes a big difference.

@Lionsfan i don’t think you should stay if you are not happy.

You need to sit down and work out a plan for your new happy single life. Obviously you will have your children 50% of the time , and you can’t use childcare for a young baby, so you will need to take some leave from your work - parental leave or unpaid leave. So talk to your employer about this - cutting your hours, changing roles etc .

You might have to get another role that works around your kids but don’t worry, that’s pretty easy to do, most mums do that. I know several single parents who work 3 x 12 hour shifts on the days that’s they don’t have their kids . Then that gives you 4 days a week to relax and have fun with your baby and toddler. Others work shorter days and then work again at home in the evenings once their children are in bed.

Bug I’m sure you will be able to come up with a plan that works around your children’s needs.

Then look at your joint finances now and see how you are going to fund two homes for your kids. Remember you will two of most things for your baby, like a car seat, high chair , baggy , cot etc and of course toys and clothes for your older child. And of course childcare for your baby for when you go back to work.

Don’t worry, you only need a 2 bed place - the children can share a room now but of course baby will be in your bedroom for the first year or so, it makes it easier for night feeds.

You will want to live near your ex so your son won’t have to travel far to nursery / school, otherwise you will spend half your life in the car.

Then for the other 3.5 days a week that you don’t have your baby and toddler, you will be free to work and enjoy your social life and enjoy all the freedoms of being single again.

Once you have spoken to your boss, looked at finances and have a robust and costed plan in place, you can sit down and have a few meetings with your wife to agree what you both want to do. Remember that it has taken you weeks or months of planing and discussion with your counsellor to work all this out so she will also need time .

Good Luck .

I agree with this.
Explain how you feel to your wife as kindly as possible, then work hard to be the best dad you can without living with them fulltime. Don't dump them when you get a new woman. Don't have a second family. Be their dad forever and they will love you forever .

Again, she's wasn't talking about leaving her pregnant partner and child to reclaim her freedom. It's a different scenario.

Was she already pregnant when she made the sperm donor comment? In any event she’s pregnant and nothing absolves you of your share of the responsibility for that.

Yep, just about. She was yearning for her lifestyle before kids. Saying, essentially she had a new guy whenever she wanted, sex life was great, she was free to come and go as she pleases.

Yeah there were some people that said go, but most that I read said - you wont get your life back, you have some idealised version of life in your 20s.. I didnt think she should leave, it is selfish and dumb, and my advice is the same on this thread

I think he’s American so the option of an abortion (if I’m understanding you correctly) might not be available.

' I bathe, change him, put him to bed, feed him and take him to the park each day of the weekend.'

oh wow ! you do sooooo much you actually felt entitled to write it down !!!

will you be leaving your wife before the baby is born - as there will be constant nappies and night feeds and soooo much more...

will you be having your children 50/50 ?

How in the hell have you arrived at me calling his wife and idiot?? Obviously I don't know what she knows as the op hasn't told us. How are you so certain she knows? I assume she didn't as most wouldn't be trying for a baby if they did. There are alot of people blindsided when a partner ups and leaves. There's a big difference between a bit of stress and bickering over normal family life to a husband who decided to actively try for a baby leaving you. You're making alot of assumptions about his wife

This. You are my ex. Married me but apparently wasn’t sure. Wanted children but not to parent them or to be a supportive husband.

We divorced.

I am now with a real man, a proper grown up who adores me and adores my children and our life. He gets the children flying through to the front door and huge hugs and cuddles. He gets us.

My ex - he lives in a house on his own - he’s now 50 sad and alone. And he is sad and alone with his cycling hobby that he didn’t want to give up. Me and the children we are the ones giggling and playing uno every night and loving as a family. Eldest won’t see him at all (ex) - she’s 17 and youngest is 10 and goes for 2 weeks in the summer and can take or leave him! In another 10 or 20 years - myself will have maybe gran children and and thriving social life (I hope) / umm wonder what my ex will be doing !!

The OP said he wasn’t planning on ditching his responsibilities for his kids. Some of the responses are comical - stay together for the kids, see her as a roommate but just put up with her so that you can go on family holidays. The absolute opposite advice to what a woman would get - it would be all “OP, you deserve to be happy”, “life’s too short”, “the kids won’t thank you if you stay together for them”. The same applies to men too. Staying in a loveless marriage is terrible advice and is not fair on either party. As is frequently said on here, anyone is free to end a relationship for any reason.

The post I’m thinking about was from a few days ago and involved a woman with two young children and a seemingly loving but boring DP who also had erectile dysfunction and she was saying she regretted having kids with him and nobody called her a selfish bitch or told her she had to stay in a relationship she didn’t want to be in.

There’s a difference between yearning for it and actively making plans to pursue it while leaving someone else to bring up your kids for the majority of the time though, isn’t there? I often yearn for my child free days too. Doesn’t mean I’m going to leave them with their dad, pay maintenance and have contact every other weekend.

@Lionsfan I think perhaps now is not the right time to leave your wife. You are at one of the most difficult stages of parenting and she is probably at the mercy of hormones and everything that comes with early pregnancy. You are probably not in the right frame of mind to make such a life changing decision. Try to make life comfortable for your wife during her pregnancy. If you are able to get some family support perhaps you can take some time just for the two of you to talk? Would you consider couples therapy? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

There was a 6 month old baby, that the father she admits helps 50/50 with childcare but she wants to split up because life isn’t as fun anymore

Sounds like you're trying to blame your personal failings on your wife. You want to leave her unemployed, pregnant with a toddler, you do that, but nobody is going to give a pat on the back.
Just do everyone a favour, and be honest to yourself about the effort you have/will put into parenting or your marriage. Don't call it 50/50 or whatever unless it actually is. Women are sick of it.

How long have you been on Mumsnet?

How many women here wanted a baby and either didnt care if the man stepped up because she wanted a child, or "thought he would change" seriously the amount of posts where posters are saying "he does nothing to help with the DC" when asked what they were like before, "oh, he did nothing then either" )

If you both have a decent enough friendship and you say you do, I would sit down and have a serious conversation and hash it out. The best and fairest way to sort this mess.
Your wife is well aware of your feelings, can you both have an open mind, explore options and see what solutions are available in a respectful and loving way?

But your ex might still be happier than being with you because you weren’t right for one another. You seem to be trying to put the boot in saying he will be alone and miserable and delighting that your kids won’t see him but if you truly are so happy with your new guy then I don’t see why you would. Surely it’s good that you split so that you could both move on?