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Original poster

Dad regret

373 replies

Lionsfan · 05/08/2024 11:05

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

OP posts:
BeardyButton · 05/08/2024 13:47

And people wonder why mn’ers are so ‘anti men’. What a prize you are OP!

Mrsdyna · 05/08/2024 13:47

What I will say is why jump to divorce? Is there nothing you can try first to better all of your lives? A new career? A new place to live? Your wife going back to work? A new country even? You working less? Taking up a new family hobby? Having more date nights? Booking spa days together and getting a babysitter?

I don't know why the done thing is to jump to ending it. Try many other things first. When we are unhappy, society seems to say it's because of your other half, when it may well be that you two are great together under different circumstances.

Nobodywouldknow · 05/08/2024 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That’s so nasty. Would you dare say something similar to a woman who had left a man she wasn’t in love with and wasn’t making her happy?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
FrenchMustard · 05/08/2024 13:49

Bertgotkinky · 05/08/2024 13:31

From one man to another you are an absolute shithouse. A selfish irresponsible prick and I refuse to apologise for my comments. You have a child with this lady and now you have decided to have another and then you’re going to leave her. You disgust me. You are one cruel bastard and I sincerely hope karma pays you a visit. You make me puke. Give your damn head a wobble and take responsibility for the carnage you are going to put your family through. I absolutely despise wankers like you.

This with bells on.

you conceived another child knowing all this, what a prize prick you are OP

Lose6pounds · 05/08/2024 13:49

What about the kids in all this? You seem to be thinking mostly of yourself but you have made one kid and in the middle of creating another. That’s on you.

Runor · 05/08/2024 13:50

Haven’t read the whole thread, this may already have been suggested….

My friends had an agreement that if one of them decided to leave, they had to take the kids and the other party could then decide exactly how much time they had dc. Strange how that seemed to change the dynamic somewhat!

PeachBlossom1234 · 05/08/2024 13:51

In my experience (cheating dad and cheating husband) guys don’t just leave when they’re unhappy, they leave when they have someone else lined up. I bet if you’re honest someone else has caught your eye and you’re using being unhappy as an excuse to pursue her.

Grow up and don’t be a dick

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/08/2024 13:52

off you go then, toodle pip !
your wife and children do not deserve you
my sympathies with your poor wife

i did wonder how soon you would decide to bring the word ' depression ' in. having already used the word ' therapist '

just how much sympathy were you expecting ?
in essentially what is a woman's forum ?!!!

ready for abuse - oh no you weren't !

Ucchildcare · 05/08/2024 13:57

There was an almost identical thread yesterday but it was a woman that posted it.

The replies were very different. Nobody was calling her names for a start.....

Gcsunnyside23 · 05/08/2024 13:57

Silversidhe · 05/08/2024 13:25

How long have you been on Mumsnet?

How many women here wanted a baby and either didnt care if the man stepped up because she wanted a child, or "thought he would change" seriously the amount of posts where posters are saying "he does nothing to help with the DC" when asked what they were like before, "oh, he did nothing then either" )

Show quote history

Ages, obviously those things are true for some people but not all. You do understand that just because some do stand for/do that,that it doesn't mean all. I for one wouldn't have a baby with someone I was in the rocks with so there you go. Noone forced him to have a baby though, you're putting blame back on her but if he didn't want a baby he could have said no or used a condom, FFS he's not a fucking child who can't make decisions for himself. Hes shown he can make decisions when he wants to, he's decided to leave his wife and kids.

BellesAndGraces · 05/08/2024 13:57

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

What a cunt. The least you can do is tell your DW so that she can decide if she wants an abortion.

frequentlyfrazzled · 05/08/2024 13:58

I think you have acted appallingly and so irresponsibly and reading your post makes me so sad for your wife. But whatever you choose to do now I think you need to really try and do your best for your family. If you do choose to stay with your wife then please don't do it half heartedly - focus on doing whatever you can to make things better, try to be her best friend, her partner, her team mate, try to listen to what she needs and make sure you commit to making it work, so that there is no animosity or simmering resentment from you about the choice you have made.
But if you decide to leave then you need to realise, and be ready for, the devastation that will cause. You need to commit 100% to being present in all aspects of your children's lives once you leave, even the crappy, boring stuff that doesn't interest you. And always remember that your wife is the mother of your children. If you choose to hurt her or treat her disrespectfully or inconsiderately, then by default you will be hurting your children. And don't be one of those absent parents who jumps straight into a relationship with someone else, which usually throws a grenade into an already awful situation. Think about your actions and how your decisions will affect others, it is not just about you any more. You have chosen to bring children into the world and they deserve better.
Read some of the threads on mumsnet for how not to do things when you split. So many men leave their children when they decide to leave their partners and cause immeasurable pain as a result - you have a choice whether to be one of them.

Flopsythebunny · 05/08/2024 13:58

What a twat!
You sound just like my ex husband.
We married in 1982,both water to start a family straight away and our first child was conceived on our honeymoon.
Just before the wedding we bought a lovely 2 bedroom cottage close to where he worked and his family , but it was too far from my work to commute so I had to give up a job that I loved. He earned 2x what I did so it made sense.
I gave birth, settled into what I thought was a lovely life and when the baby was 6 months old I got a new job and his mum looked after the baby while I worked.
Life was good (or so I thought).
When 1st baby was 3 years old, We decided it was time for another baby. If anything he was keener than me. In those days fathers were not as involved in day to day care as they are now and I would have to give up work because his mother said she didn't want to look after 2 children. That was fair enough, I was grateful that she'd helped out with the 1st.
I got pregnant very quickly, we were both happy and excited to be having another baby.
Then, at 12 weeks he came home one day, packed a bag and said he was going to his mum's. He realised he didn't want another baby, didn't want to be a family man and wanted to be single so he could go out with his mates whenever he wanted.
I was devastated, I had no idea he felt this way,he never said anything. If he had, I wouldn't have got pregnant.
We'd actually been out looking at bigger houses the weekend previously and he was talking about putting an offer on one that we both loved.
I cannot describe how difficult the next year was. I'd lost everything. The man I loved, my best friend, my job, his family who took his side and didn't speak to me anymore..
It turned out that he told his mum that he left because the baby wasn't his and that I'd been having an affair at work.
Anyway, 37 years on, he hasn't seen either of his children for 23 years and has never met his 6 grandchildren.
He was married again 6 months after our divorce and had 2 more children within 3 years.
He is a disgusting coward

VividQuoter · 05/08/2024 14:01

Lionsfan · 05/08/2024 13:47

I am going to come off this as it is making me very depressed and verging on suicidal (thoughts I have had for many years, before my son was born) so for my own good and my family's I'll come off this site. So I appreciate again the feedback, but it's better for everyone (especially my kids) if I leave. I wanted some anonymous advice/feedback and was ready for the abuse but it isn't helping now. Take care all.

Honestly, for your family's good....all you did was coming here telling us you cannot live sexually with that wife all the while impregnating her ( SEX ) and expecting strange women to validate your immoral expectation that leaving is ok and will make your family's life better by shagging new woman of a better make......

honestly, you are either mocking us or have very confused mind ( mental health issues).

see a psychiatrist and a sex therapist. YOUR POOR WIFE

Incakewetrust · 05/08/2024 14:02

If you're not happy in the relationship, that's one thing and you don't have to be with her.

However, you chose to create these children and you can't just run off to 'explore your interests' and leave your poor wife to do everything.
So leave her if you don't want to be with her but man the fuck up and own the decisions you made and do right by those children.

Fluufer · 05/08/2024 14:06

Lionsfan · 05/08/2024 13:47

I am going to come off this as it is making me very depressed and verging on suicidal (thoughts I have had for many years, before my son was born) so for my own good and my family's I'll come off this site. So I appreciate again the feedback, but it's better for everyone (especially my kids) if I leave. I wanted some anonymous advice/feedback and was ready for the abuse but it isn't helping now. Take care all.

Perhaps you should have opened eith the suicidal depression. Very male to ask for opinions then blame women for "making" you depressed.

Twototwo15 · 05/08/2024 14:08

ItsAlrightDarling · 05/08/2024 13:13

I didn’t see that thread, but was she suggesting she leave the family home and her kids so she could concentrate on herself and her hobbies, and find someone new?

Show quote history

I think she was thinking of asking her partner to push off. Someone posted the link up thread. It’s more people telling the OP he should have thought about all this and why on earth have another kid if not fully committed, (which I agree with) but I don’t think the other thread got that response en masse.

GoFigure235 · 05/08/2024 14:09

Sometimes being a grown-up isn't about being fulfilled, it's about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day.

GingerPirate · 05/08/2024 14:11

GoFigure235 · 05/08/2024 14:09

Sometimes being a grown-up isn't about being fulfilled, it's about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day.

Agreed. 👍
And if you wanna be fulfilled because you put yourself first, you bloody well think about that with your head, nothing else, really early in life.
If capable.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 05/08/2024 14:12

Lionsfan · 05/08/2024 13:47

I am going to come off this as it is making me very depressed and verging on suicidal (thoughts I have had for many years, before my son was born) so for my own good and my family's I'll come off this site. So I appreciate again the feedback, but it's better for everyone (especially my kids) if I leave. I wanted some anonymous advice/feedback and was ready for the abuse but it isn't helping now. Take care all.

Do you realise how manipulative saying these things once you've not gotten your own way or justification for your bias is?

If you genuinely feel this way you need to call your crisis team and speak to a therapist but even if you genuinely feel this way it's manipulative.

You're responsible for your happiness and the happiness of your child(ren). To a degree, also your wife's.

Your kids should come above everything else.

Tell her now, move out, get therapy, and stop shopping for women's opinions so you can justify your self pity.

BlackShuck3 · 05/08/2024 14:13

Fluufer · 05/08/2024 14:06

Perhaps you should have opened eith the suicidal depression. Very male to ask for opinions then blame women for "making" you depressed.

Show quote history

He had a backup plan ready so as to make a quick escape if things didn't go as he wanted.
(I guess it makes sense to be strategic 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Mum9191 · 05/08/2024 14:15

Flopsythebunny · 05/08/2024 13:58

What a twat!
You sound just like my ex husband.
We married in 1982,both water to start a family straight away and our first child was conceived on our honeymoon.
Just before the wedding we bought a lovely 2 bedroom cottage close to where he worked and his family , but it was too far from my work to commute so I had to give up a job that I loved. He earned 2x what I did so it made sense.
I gave birth, settled into what I thought was a lovely life and when the baby was 6 months old I got a new job and his mum looked after the baby while I worked.
Life was good (or so I thought).
When 1st baby was 3 years old, We decided it was time for another baby. If anything he was keener than me. In those days fathers were not as involved in day to day care as they are now and I would have to give up work because his mother said she didn't want to look after 2 children. That was fair enough, I was grateful that she'd helped out with the 1st.
I got pregnant very quickly, we were both happy and excited to be having another baby.
Then, at 12 weeks he came home one day, packed a bag and said he was going to his mum's. He realised he didn't want another baby, didn't want to be a family man and wanted to be single so he could go out with his mates whenever he wanted.
I was devastated, I had no idea he felt this way,he never said anything. If he had, I wouldn't have got pregnant.
We'd actually been out looking at bigger houses the weekend previously and he was talking about putting an offer on one that we both loved.
I cannot describe how difficult the next year was. I'd lost everything. The man I loved, my best friend, my job, his family who took his side and didn't speak to me anymore..
It turned out that he told his mum that he left because the baby wasn't his and that I'd been having an affair at work.
Anyway, 37 years on, he hasn't seen either of his children for 23 years and has never met his 6 grandchildren.
He was married again 6 months after our divorce and had 2 more children within 3 years.
He is a disgusting coward

What a piece of shit.
Im sorry you went through that. I hope you and your children grew up okay.
I always wonder why some women accept and love men who have abandoned their kids or in your case a PREGNANT WIFE.

Elphamouche · 05/08/2024 14:17

You’re a twat.

graffitiwall · 05/08/2024 14:17

BlackShuck3 · 05/08/2024 13:33

My mom is aware
@Lionsfan
You must be in the USA, no-one in the UK says mom, it's always "mum"

I'm from the Midlands and say both. There has been a whole thread on this. Its quite common to say Mom in some parts of Britain.

SlashBeef · 05/08/2024 14:18

We wait with open arms for his wife to post when she's left with their son and a newborn. Sigh.