Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

Yes, he effectively has. He wants to live alone, maybe get a new girlfriend because having kids has not made him happy, and he misses his old life and having his own interests.

He's clearly not planning to be a resident parent! He's planning on being a part-time dad.

That is nothing, nothing like the thread you linked to. She was unhappy because she was tied to a man she does not like. This guy is just unhappy with the limitations that come with parenting. So he wants out, as much as he can.

You come to the wrong place, to get any support or neutral advice, the fact your a man makes you the enemy.

The thing is, the issue isn’t about him leaving his wife. As has been said, if you fall out of love with someone, then you need to separate to give both people a chance to move on, whether that be alone, or with someone else. But the issue is that he knew he didn’t love her, for many months, but still decided to go ahead with her wish to have another child. She was oblivious to all what was going on in his head about not wanting to stay married. And because of his decision that he now no longer wants to remain in the marriage, a decision he came to several times before this pregnancy, his wife is now going to be left with not just the heartbreak of a broken marriage, but also left with a decision as to whether she can cope financially or emotionally to continue with a pregnancy by herself. She may need to consider a termination. All because he was arsing around with what he wanted or didn’t want. So now there’s an unborn baby in the mix. It’s just immature and irresponsible behaviour he needs to be called out on.

No its the fact he's a man who wants to run away to a happier, freer single life because being a full time parent is hard and has limitations and he doesn't like it. Life was more fun before. And if he leaves he might get a new girlfriend! And that's an exciting thought.

There's a mother who can do all the hard day to day stuff, after all. He can just do some part-time parenting.

That's why he's got a hard time. Its not because he is a man. Its because he is a selfish twat.

You are a misogynist though, to think its because he is a man.

Join the club which has membership of 100% of all parents, the world over.

We all miss our freedom. Duh! You think your wife doesn't too?

What on earth makes you think you have the right to jeopardise your son's stablility and dump the responsibility for day to day drudgery of parenthood, his emotional unsettlement, the financial burden of daily life on your wife?

You are not even consistent. One day you want children, the next day you don't. How is she supposed to navigate this childish emotional vacillation.

Grow up. Be a man. The art to a happy life is to make the life you have work brilliantly. Not drop it like a toddler drops a toy and waddle off in hope of excitement elsewhere.

Learn to take pleasure and pride in being an excellent loving, engaged father, a supportive and warm husband. Put family life centre stage and make it fun.

Honestly, one day I had a lightbulb moment when I realised I would never be happy if I longed for the life I used to have. I would only ever be truly happy if I made the life I did have as fun as possible. I put my heart from that day on, into playing with DC and teaching them things and reading and singing and dancing with them, building dens and igloos and going sledging and kayaking and climbing mountains and as they grew older, taking them to festivals, watching movies, cooking, sitting around campfires discussing life.

Being a parent in a cohesive family unit is an absolute joy, but like all things worth having it is a massive challenge. You have a choice. You can be a selfish, shit, absent father who resents having to pay a fraction of his earnings towards the true daily costs of raising a child, because he thinks he deserves a new bike/holiday with his girlfriend more than his son deserves new shoes, a man who bitches about his exhausted ex who is still at the bottom of the career heap because she is always the one who has to take time off when the son is sick, has to collect him early etc etc. Or you can be a man, a father, a husband, an adult and take pride in how well you live up to these roles.

@GROMIT50 that’s bullshit! He’s getting a hard time because he’s a selfish arsehole not because he’s a man!

It is accurate. He is asking for advice. Would it be better to lie? 'Oh yes OP, a year from now you'll be living happily ever after with a lovely responsible new step mother to your newborn'. It is a lie, we all know 40 something men that ditched their family and realised the grass wasn't greener. Best case he'll end up with one of those awful step parents that plagues the step parenting threads, asking for advise on how to erase his DC and take as much money from them as possible. Why not be honest with him?

It's not abuse, it strong words. Many women are sick and tired of reading about men who want out, who won't step up and who string women along.

Please don't make this worse by staying silent too long so she can't terminate if she wants too. That would be a whole new level of cruelty and everyone will pay for that including the son you have now.

What do you do?

You talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. Be honest and explain that you know you need to support her and that you will do so. Let her call the shots.

Accept you have screwed up massively and take responsibility for the mess.

I cannot predict what your wife will say or want to do but you owe it to her to be honest and to support her in any way you can at the moment.

Please don’t talk about suicidal ideation to your wife either - that will be just manipulative.

@Lionsfan you think your kids will have a better life if YOU are fulfilled and happy? That is so self centred. Will their Mum be happy when you leave her pregnant and without a job? Will your young kids thrive in the kind of life that your wife can afford to give them? Will your kids love having ti go to childcare so your wife can return to work?

@Lionsfan

Hi Lionsfan, from a Ramsfan lol

OK, you made a couple of 'not good' decisions, but you're stuck with both of them. I don't mean 'stuck' as in you don't love your kids, just that you created them and so you have responsibilities to them.

As far as your marriage, that's something somewhat separate. If you don't love your wife, then you are entitled to leave the marriage. But not right now, when she is so vulnerable, based on both her and your unwise decision.

So I suggest you commit 100% to her pregnancy, giving her the time, support, and help she will need. Then you commit 100% to that child's first year. And during that entire time you commit to being 100% faithful, no flirting, no emotional or physical affairs. And consider counseling to see if there is any spark there that can be reignited. I assume if she told you 10 days ago that would be about 20 months. See how you feel after that time and make your decision then. You'll probably live to be 80, so 20 months isn't that long when you consider the decades you have left.

Your other options are to tell her to terminate and leave or just leave and let her deal with the pregnancy and infancy on her own. Neither of those would be a very kind or compassionate thing to do, would they? So pull up your big boy pants and commit to being the man you know you can be, at least for the next 20 months. And at the end of that period if you do decide to end the marriage, behave like a mature and responsible man and pay what you should pay without complaint and raise your children as a co-parent, not a Disney Dad.

Leaving your family does not mean leaving your responsibilities. You will still be financially responsible for your children, you will also need to physically care for them- perhaps 50% of the time. No matter how you cut it, your carefree days are a thing of the past. If it's been hard for you, it must have been hard for your wife as well. Perhaps she feels the same - what happens if she decides that it's all too much for her and she bails as well. Your poor children.

I think this is a wise post OP.

You speak about what you “owe yourself.” But the first thing we all owe ourselves is addressing our mental health - for ourselves and those round us.

It may be that starting there helps the rest fall into place. You love your son and that’s a big start. You will love this other baby just as much . If I were you I would be honest with your wife about how you are feeling and tell her you are seeking assistance for your mental health so you can hopefully be stronger and more present for them all. But you must explain your current feelings as perhaps she would not wish to continue the pregnancy or would prefer to make a clean break with you now. She needs to have full visibility when making decisions round a little life.

Op life does lose some of the “footloose and fancy-free” shine when we grow up and take on responsibility. Some of us transition/ have to transition faster than others, but for everybody there is a change of gear. Try to open your mind to the fact that a change is not necessarily a step backward. We all grow old and kicking round like a teenager forever has its own emptiness and detractions.

Very good point. I know he said he was leaving the thread but if not, how would he deal with it if his wife also wanted out? Put kids in a care home? Put them up for adoption? No, because he knows that even if his wife was unhappy she won’t bail on her kids. He knows he can bail because they’ll be with their mother.

His attitude annoys and angers me because so many children are left without a dad coming home every night because they thought the grass was greener (including my own children), safe in the knowledge mum (or mom in this case) won’t let the kids down (like they have).

Yes. Every single woman who is told by their partner that they’re leaving the family home because they want to concentrate on themselves should try responding with ‘wow I feel exactly the same, so what shall we do with the kids?’

I'm sorry, OP, but you sound very inmature: how old are you?
You say that "being happy" will make you a better parent: I believe putting your children first is what makes you a good parent.
I really hope, for the sake of your children, that you heal (you say you're in therapy) and gain emotional maturity enough to be the father they deserve.

So you've had a baby, it's been stressful (shocker!), you don't always agree on parenting decisions, your wife is exhausted, only just out of post-partum and pregnant again, you're not getting the attention and affection you think you're entitled to, so why not just throw the towel in and walk away? Did no-one warn you that marriage took hard work and effort or did you miss that?

It's not like you stood up in front of all your family and friends and swore to make the relationship work for better or worse...

Grow up.

Women are told all the time on here to LTB as if they’re happy it’ll be better for their kids!

this thread is awful. A man who is struggling has been ripped apart in a way that a woman on a similar thread was not. People have not read his posts and assumed he’s looking to run away from it all when he’s said nothing of the sort. He’s struggling and possibly suicidal and posters are piling on and accusing him of making that up.

women on here are encouraged time after time to leave relationships that don’t make them happy, to have time for themselves, to be happy. a man who is unhappy but wants to remain an active parent once divorced is derided.

jesus. Sometimes this place is awful

The issue here that is clearly of the utmost importance irrespective of everything else is you need to be happy. What a prince you are

Exactly. I wouldn't want any man to stay with me because of the children. I'd rather be alone and a single parent than be with someone who doesn't love me and is just staying for the kids.

Yes he did.

He wants to leave to have personal time and interests, to regain the life like he had when he childfree because he regrets the choice to have kids. That means he is NOT taking the kids.

His wife has little to nothing to do with his complaint. It's not his wife he is leaving, its his responsibilities. If you can't see than then no one else needs to 'try' to make out your a tit.

That’s because 99.9% of the time, the children go with the mum when she leaves. She’s not leaving behind her family and dreaming of a time when she could go out when she wanted without the little blighters dragging at her heels. She’s leaving WITH her children to be a better mum.

Yawn. Those women are not planning to leave the kids because they need to live alone, and go back to their happy single days where they can follow their own interests.

Sorry, but that is the very clear context the OP was talking in. The only people who are not seeing that are those who are motivated by ' Gosh Mumsnet is so mean to men' narratives. And, boringly typically, those posters are referring to ' 'near identical' threads from women, which are not even remotely identical as those women are intending to remain the main carers for their children. Unlike this chap.

No he specifically said he’d remain an active parent with the split to be determined.

clearly 50:50 would be best, but (as we see women being told time after time) you can have a life , pursue hobbies and have time to yourself when they are with the other parent

What if your wife gets a third degree year in child birth and faecal incontinence?

Is it then ok to just swan off to " explore my interests"

You say "I miss my days when I had more freedom I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else" so you mean you'll have more freedom as a single parent? So you're going to take your son and second child and then pursue those interests whilst having them live with you, right?