Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

@Lionsfan Please talk to the Samaritan’s or similar , one of the worst things you could do to your kid/s is take your own life.

No abuse from me, but as for your current situation, I’d explain how you are feeling to your wife asap. She can decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not but either way explain that you will continue to support her and the kid/s financially and practically (helping with childcare) but that you are not sure you want to stay in the relationship long term.

She might suggest that you have your second child and give couple counselling a go and if you still can’t work things out, separate in a year or two when the children are still young enough not to be quite as hurt - but when at least your 2nd child is out of the toughest baby stage, when ideally there need to be at least two pairs of hands on deck (even if you end up parenting as “friends” who live together rather than a couple in a relationship).

Do keep on mind that you are in the toughest stage with young kid/s. Once they are school age and can entertain themselves more easily/safely, it should be easier to find a bit of time for hobbies. But part of parenting is the acceptance (that even if you separate from your wife and move out), that you will never have the totally carefree existence you had before kids. But they make up for that in other ways ❤️

This poster wasn't saying she would be a better parent if she lived alone and left the Father to raise the kids, whilst she just popped back as a part-time Dad whilst the Mother did the main work and burden of child rearing though, did she?

And that's why she got an easier ride.

As they say, you made your bed, and now need to lie in it. It was immature and irresponsible to go ahead and try for a baby when you clearly don’t love her. All you can do, if you plan to leave her in the near future, is to speak to her now so that if she doesn’t want to bring a baby into her life as a single mum she has the very difficult decision to make on whether she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy. You’ve really behaved appallingly here.

Do you do this with your wife and children? My sister has a personality disorder and has always done this when called out on appalling behaviour. She does it to manipulate people.

@graffitiwall maybe I haven’t tead OPs post properly but I’m not getting that sense I was hearing he would still want to be apart of his children’s lives. I didn’t get from him he never wanted to see his kids again, in the same way of the other thread they are both finding parenthood hard because of a mismatch of partners.

@Lionsfan - please talk to someone offline: visit your GP or in the meantime call a mental health crisis line. These will be the best people to help you now.

No one can give you the answers you seek on this particular support site. If you are feeling as vulnerable as this you need professional help.

Yes, this.

This OP has too many red flags.

ah yes the emotional blackmail :
'and verging on suicidal (thoughts I have had for many years, before my son was born) '

on here we've all heard it before, and the advice we give to the women is dial 999 for emergency help each and everytime he suggests / threatens it

'I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests.'

It honestly doesn't seem like you want to leave 'your wife', it sounds like you want to bail on your responsibilities and live like a family free person. You want the life of someone without kids and responsibilities and where will your children be during all this 'me time' your suddenly making for yourself and your interest?

Lets guess, they will be being looked after by your ex wife who will carry all the responsibility (because 90% of the time it is the mother doing the majority work) while you play at being dad part time for just the fun bits because you thought being an adult 24/7 was too boring.

That is not being a 'better' parent, its being a selfish deadbeat.

If you don’t live with your child then you are a part time parent. Some times it the only way but the fact still remains. Even if you went for 50/50 custody you would still only have them part of the time.

I don’t know what to say. You are either selfish or massively immature or a bit of both.

You don’t go round begetting children just because it “might be ok.” Then you don’t just walk off because you “ might be happier” with a nicer choice of mother.

These are real people for goodness sake.

I don’t know what to say really because part of me thinks you need to lie in the bed you’ve made yourself; yet who wants the woman saddled with a man who hates her.

Would you both consider abortion or is it too late? At least that way she’d only struggle with the one child on her on.

Just don’t play round with semen like it’s water. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Babies don't mend rocky relationships. Trying for another child, when you're not sure you want to be with the Mother and are struggling with the ups and downs of parenthood, was incredibly stupid. If you are struggling being a Father to one child, how do you think being Father to two, is going to be any better?! Being a parent means your life completely changes, and it's not ever going to be the same again. It will continue to evolve, as your children grow older, and their needs change. Being a parent means you sacrifice your needs/wants. When you've been used to doing what you want/when, it comes as a shock, when you realise you can't. As your children get older, then yes, you start getting more freedom back, and can do things you want. You made a choice to marry your wife, even though the relationship was less than harmonious. You made a choice to have children, even though, it sounds as if, you weren't overly bothered if you had children or not. Was your wife aware of the indifference towards having children?!!! I'm sorry but you have to pull up your big boy pants and accept you are a Father, and have responsibilities towards both children. As for your wife, leaving her pregnant or just after the birth is a shitty thing to do, but staying when you don't want to be with her, is equally shitty too. Either way is crap for her.

The wife would also only be a part time parent in that situation. Except you’d never say to a woman who had that arrangement that she was a part time parent.

Honestly some of the comments on here are disgusting and I hope the OP is okay.

She'd take the kids with her though, wouldn't she? She wouldn't leave and expect the man to raise the kids so she could be happier 'alone'.

Its vanishingly rare for women to do this and bog standard for men to do it.

The reality is children cramp everyone’s style, even much wanted children in compatible committed marriages.

Which is why you shouldn’t have them unless that’s a bare minimum situation.

I’m tempted to say just suck it up like people have to suck up broken nights, lost careers etc. I mean why should a half hearted partner/father get more freedom from reality than committed serious ones?

Was she planning to leave the kids behind for the Dad to raise so she can enjoy her life 'alone'.?

If not, it certainly was not a near identical thread.

would it better to give us both a chance to find someone else and be good parents or stay in a relationship which is ok (it's not toxic/abusive and there is no infidelity) and hope things get better.

The second option. Stay, and decide to be the best Dad and Husband that you possibly can.

Tell your wife how you feel and let her decide. If she’s got any sense she’ll terminate the pregnancy and tell you to sod off you absolute 🔔🔚

Wow, I don’t get this mad this often but ONCE YOU DECIDE TO BRING LIFE INTO THIS WORLD YOU ARE NO LONGER THE MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT THING IN IT, THEY ARE.

You are privileged to be a parent, now act like one.

You want your freedom and you would find it preferable to be alone rather than with your wife and children. And you think that it’s a feasible option to choose to leave so that you can find true happiness elsewhere.

What if your wife came to you this afternoon and said I don’t love you, I’m not in love with you, I want my freedom and I want to pursue my hobbies, so I’m leaving you and our son.
If you find it feasible to do that why shouldn’t she ?

Who then, rears/nurtures/loves/guides/soothes/carries/makes decisions for your child throughout his childhood life if you both prefer to be alone doing your hobbies, and enjoying your freedom from your family to dream of a better life. Why are you assuming that she should be the one to do most of that on her own. And you should be the one entitled to something better and more free and more satisfying with your hobbies.
You going to leave them with the nuns or hand them to SS …or leave them in a field maybe, waving goodbye cheerily as you stride off looking for your utopia ?

In other words, what makes you think your existing responsibilities are less than those of your wife with whom you made a commitment together and with whom you planned a second child.

You planned a second child at the same time (more or less…certainly within a few days) as casually realising you wished to abandon it and furthermore, are prepared to follow through on that wish and leave your wife to it, if only you could make up your mind.

How about making the happiness of your wife and children a hobby to dedicate yourself to.

That actually sums it up.

It ain’t all about you now mate.

Just out of curiosity, what would you do if your wife jumped ship first?

As then you'd really know what it feels like to be tied down with no freedom, very little rest, a difficult financial situation and limited options.

Try reading some of the threads by single parents (mostly but not all women) who have been left to juggle it all.

You do know that if you have sex the usual thing that happens is a pregnancy happens unless YOU take active steps to stop it . If you didn’t want your wife to get pregnant, or not want another child how about you got a vasectomy or at least used a fecking condom.
your wife didn’t magically get pregnant. You made her pregnant. Your choice to sit on fence with all your doubts, and hating the sacrifices you have to make in having children and still you did nothing to take ownership for YOU to actually stop a pregnancy knowing how YOU felt.
you need to start dropping your entitled victim hood of “the pregnancy has happened” or “I miss my old life pre children” and to accept accountsblilyu for all the choices YOU made. You were not helpless in deciding not to embark on family life. Your decision . Own it.

your assertion about “I bet 95% of parents feel the same” is not correct. About 50% of those think bloody harder than you about getting pregnant in the first place. We’re the bloody ones that end up get “left holding the baby” when the other 50% decide they don’t like being a parent after all, and when it is too late. We’re the ones that pay for being pregnant form what it takes form our bodies. When men like you then decide it too much like hard work- ever tried growing a baby for 9 months form your own resources - all 7-8 lb of its members we flesh and blood. You gave one cell to that. Maybe if you also had to pay a price like that you’d have given it more thought and taken action yourself to stop the pregnancy happening in first place. Both of them.

Yes, a parenting is hard. The hardest time of a couple. It is hard to bond with a little 2 year old human who can’t really do much just yet and is so dependant. On YOU. but they grow. Quickly. And before you know it they’ll be interesting 7 year old who’ll be starting to wonder why dad isn’t around as much as mummy, and then they’ll be 18 and no full well you fucked off after creating them saying it was a mistake.

that’s one thing. But to abdicate responsisiblty for the pregnancy is just kidding yourself, and full of entitlement of “poor me”. Wrong forum mate. You’ll not find much tea and sympathy here for your poor me act.

Err this. Plus her partner misrepresented himself in a few ways -including debts and erectile dysfunction issues

Amused about the OP saying they do “loads” of childcare when their wife is a SAHP. So he does the odd afternoon and she does Monday to Friday?