Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

I really don't understand where all the termination talk is coming from, if she ended this pregnancy she is still getting left with parenting the kids OP doesn't want to commit his 'whole life' too.

Its not like the baby goes bye and she walks away clean to start life again. She will still have OP's kid he bailed on to raise alone (albeit with the odd few hours off when he decides to play 'daddy' to impress his new girlfriend). The second pregnancy holds little power in changing OPs wife's situation.

Right but the baby isn't even born. You can't do 50/50 with an unborn baby or a newborn. He knows very well it's not going to be an even split.

Typical, shitbag male behaviour.

Read the post. His complaint is not with his wife. She is a strangely blank back shadow in his post. Whereas in posts where women are unhappy with their husbands and want to leave, you have vivid portrayal of the man.

OPs focus is on how much he hates the limitations of parent hood, and craves the freedom, and associated happiness, he used to have. That is what is vivid in his post. So you can be pretty sure how he wants the balance of his share of that ' active parenting' to be weighted.

And he has titled his post ' Dad regret' not 'wife regret'.

I did read the posts
gave you? Did you see the bit I’m referring to? Do you agree you were incorrect?

Pull the other one love.

hes clearly 'not like' the 1.78 million (thats the UK only) other fathers that bailed on their responsibility leaving the mothers as the main caregiver.

Statistics say your delusional.

Once you have kids, you aren't the main character anymore. And if you can't cope with this level of feedback about your actions, then you're really going to need to up your game to cope with parenting and trying to find a new partner in modern dating scenes.

Fair. It’d take a while to all settle down.

look I’m not saying he’d definitely be dad of the year, no one can know that. Just that hes in a shitty place and considering leaving for reasons that are his own.

isn’t it always said that a woman can end a relationship for any reason. As long as he fulfils his responsibilities to his kids, time wise, financially, and emotionally, he doesn’t deserve to be ripped apart for wanting a life as well

I thought on here we based our opinions on what the posters say, not making up what we think might happen

No I disagree with you. This is a man who is clearly unhappy with the burden of parenthood and wants to offload it as much as he can. He's not really trying to hide that.

I've been consistent in all my posts that he is talking about being a part-time dad. You know, the single life, part-time parenting thrown in for the fun bits of parenting without the hard daily slog.

This is clearly not a man who will be fighting for as much custody as possible, and its pretty delusional given the entire thrust of his posts to think he will.

His goal is freedom, not what he sees as the daily drudgery and limitations of parenting. He's quite transparent about that.

isn’t it always said that a woman can end a relationship for any reason

But the entire focus of his post is not on ending the relationship. Its on ending the daily grind of parenting. That is what he is saying he is leaving.

I thought on here we based our opinions on what the posters say

But you are not. You are ignoring his repeated statements on what is making him unhappy and why he is leaving. He is leaving daily parenting.

Me me me me me me me me me me.

Are you envisioning a lovely quiet life for yourself with plenty of time for hobbies and dating great women?

There is no going back now. You will never have as much time for your ‘interests’ with young kids. You’d be a shit dad and human being if you do.

You will never be as attractive to new women as you were before, whether you are very involved with your children (great dad but many women wouldn’t want that arrangement) or not (shit dad that no decent woman would engage with).

You’re incredibly selfish and somewhat delusional. Recipe for misery.

agree to disagree. I think he’s been clear he’d remain an active parent and I don’t see him saying it wouldn’t be 50:50. Part time is just that, part time for both parents And a necessity after a split.

But when he specifically states he’d remain an active partner with the split to be determined, who are to to immediately assume he’s lying. I’m taking that at face value as that’s what normally happens when a poster says they’re splitting up.

you’re ignoring what he is actually saying.

Where has he actually said he is taking the kids and remaining a full time father?

Loads of people have posted including quotes what he has said showing how he is leaving this kids, you however have not countered with anything to show the opposite.

His post is entirely about regretting being a father, its literally titled 'dad regret' people have pulled his wife into it but thats not what its about at all.

Lets go back to fact and combine it with our imagination of believing he claimed he will be 50/50, those splits are rarely ever a thing. They logically cannot work and aren't in the interest of children. Parents 'wants' aren't put above whats best for the child and courts simply don't do that so by walking away he is leaving the lions share to the mother and knows that.

Yup agree to disagree. His entire point is that the limitations and work of parenting makes his unhappy. His motivation is to leave parenting, not his wife (and I personally have never seen a comparable motivation from a woman leaving her relationship).

Given that, and given he has not contradicted the pages of posters accusing him of this, he will not be fighting for as much custody as possible.

What are the interests that you can't pursue?

Well said.

Most of his post is whining about he regrets having kids and dreading having a new baby. Leaving the wife seems to be an after thought. It's a common script - she can't focus on him anymore wah wah wah. The post is called "Dad regret" for God's sake. This is not a 50/50 dad.

His second post at 12.58 specially says he’s be an active partner with the split to be determined. No one is saying he’s taking the kids, that would be wrong, just as when a woman splits up it should be shared care.

splitting up does not mean not being an equal, active, and committed parent!

No, I think he is telling the truth about wanting to leave parenting. His idea of 'active parenting' I am sure is what a lot of part-time dads is. Spending fun time with the kids for a minority of the week, whilst the wife does all the rest of the work, including all the mental load and planning and organising.

There is nothing in his posts to suggest active parenting means any more than that. Holding on to that one vague phrase to reverse the entirety of what he communicates in the rest of his very long post, is not a convincing case IMO.

With her fucking husband who she think loves her and wants another baby with her! It's not as if she went out and had unprotected sex with some random, as far as she's concerned she's in a committed relationship with the father of her child.

The only actual parenting he mentioned is taking the toddler to the park sometimes. Don't insult women's intelligence. We've all seen this a thousand times. We know the active parents from the "active parents"

splitting up does not mean not being an equal, active, and committed parent!

When you are explicitly stating you are splitting up as being a parent makes you miserable, it does though.