Dad regret

[Lionsfan]

Hi all

First time poster here and I am in a bit of a pickle. Long story short:

My wife and I of 6.5 years have a 2 year old son. She is now expecting. To say we have had a rocky road of parenting is probably true, we have often fought and clashed and I have grown to realise that I don't love her and am in not love with her. She was desperate to have another child and I was less keen; not dead against it but reluctant for the main reason that I don't see her as the one for me.

I was quite ambivalent about having our first, but after a few missed periods and our relationship being in a better place then I got on board and was thrilled when she was pregnant. But the last few years I have started to wonder whether the life of 2 kids with my wife for life is really a life I want. I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests. I know that is a cliche and I bet 95% of parents feel the same but I simply regret the choices I have made. I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone/with someone else albeit the fall out of breaking up with my wife may well be very painful for everyone.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying but when I suspected (rightly) that she was pregnant I became remorseful and when she told me she was pregnant about 10 days ago I was crushed.

Now I am just so confused. Honestly, 10-15% of me is excited/positive and thinking may be this is for the best; that the next 2-3 years of more baby/toddler time will be tough but it will all be worth it. The difference is- that as true as that may be for every single parent- there is a love and a certainty with other couples that they are right for each other. And I am sure it's not healthy to feel as I do.

I may get shit for this in terms of how I would leave my wife in the lurch by leaving now or shortly after birth (or whenever) or by playing along and living a lie; but I honestly don't know what to do. Leave now and rip the band aid off to cause no more hurt or settle for a life that I don't think will make me happy and do my best to love, care for and provide for my family knowing there are far more people worse off than me and to live with my decisions. I could/should have made the decision to leave my wife or not have children long ago and I should live with the decision.

I see a therapist to talk through this very issue but she's away. My mom is aware of my feelings somewhat but not yet that my wife is pregnant. Any help or hard truths/constructive criticism is very welcome!

Thanks for reading.

Lions fan

With all respect, I don't think you have read it properly. He talks about how he misses his old life and going out. How he wants to live alone or have a new girlfriend.

He wants his single life back, to live alone, and just have the kids part-time - with his mother facilitating his new single life through being the primary parent. Its a tale as old as time of men bogging off to do this.

How many women do you know who, despite missing their old life, walk out of the house and leave their husband to be the resident parent, whilst they enjoy their new single alone life?

If its 50/50 then she is a part time parent. However I have never seen a 50/50 split in real life.

I have known a small percentage of full time fathers but statistically it is most commonly woman who live with the kids with fathers having either visitation or with part time custody (like a night every other weekend, 2 weeks in the summer holidays etc...) but never seen a 50/50 split in real life.

It's just not practical or fair to drag kids around like that, especially with school and such and courts always rule in the kids best interest not the parents 'wants'.

He literally never said this. Never. He said he loves his son but not his wife. People have projected massively.

What a cunt. The least you can do is tell your DW so that she can decide if she wants an abortion

If this couple is in America that'll be impossible.

Oh come on '@IamnotwhouthinkIam he has no intention of ending his life Not with his new exciting single life to look forward to. He might even get a new girlfriend! whoop! whoop!

Dreadful advice to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy “for the kids”. And absolutely the opposite of what women are advised to do.

I am going to come off this as it is making me very depressed and verging on suicidal (thoughts I have had for many years, before my son was born)

Whatever.

We've heard this one before, OP.

Over the last few weeks I again warmed to the idea of another baby and so we were trying

That is beyond wrong

Get her pregnant. Then decide you don't love her. Then claim depression. Classic abusive manipulation.

That’s bollocks as well. Honestly. Abortion laws across different states vary hugely. You don’t even know if he is in America and even if he is this statement really isn’t true. The vast majority of American women do have access to abortion if they want it.

Yes he did. Here it is, from the OP:

I am not happier than I was when I was single. I adore my son but I honestly believe that I would be a better parent if I was happier and alone

Oh, I don't think they do. Most women in America have a lot of trouble getting access to abortions. I agree it depends on which State they're in.

And I know he might not be in America - but he has used some American expressions (mom, y'all) so he might be.

Yes, a better parent when he is not in a relationship. Alone as in not with his DW, not alone as in without his kids. He also clarified that he had no intention of abandoning his children. And so many women post about regrets about having kids on here and get nothing but sympathy.

If you are suicidal, then you need to go to GP. You mentioned therapist earlier
so resdingcnewer post, it sounds like depression is playing a part here. The responses here alone aren’t going to make you feel suicidal. Suicide ideation is coming form bigger issues than that

you are not going to be happy in any relationship , with your wife, your kids or even yourself until you address your mental health.

everythnig you’ve written will be heavily influenced by your mental well-being and mood.

stop blaming your wife, kids or family life or lack of freedom. You’ve got a problem in terms of mental health - deal with that first. Address root causes that come form within yourself. Only YOU can make you happy. Only you make you unhappy.

How about this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5135188-should-my-partner-support-me-financially-while-im-on-maternity-leave

OP has a high earning partner (£100k +) she's on min wage, and contribute 50%
She went on mat leave - he hasn't paid for nappies, food for baby, pram etc...

He hasnt changed from who he was, why was she expecting any different?

YES he did

'I miss my days when I had more freedom and could explore my interests.'

Thats nothing to do with his wife, thats entirely to do with his responsibilities.

He says it right after saying he thinks having a commitment 'for life' isn't for him and before he says he regrets the choice to become a parent in the first place all before the half assed 'I love my son' instantly followed with 'but I would rather be alone'.

That has literally no relevance to the situation in this thread, though.

the relevance is to people questioning how much / who wanted the baby? Did DW ignore him not being keen because she wanted another chld?

How many women here wanted a baby and either didnt care if the man stepped up because she wanted a child, or "thought he would change" seriously the amount of posts where posters are saying "he does nothing to help with the DC" when asked what they were like before, "oh, he did nothing then either" )

Why?

Life isn't perfect, for anyone. When you commit to someone you commit to making it work if at all possible, especially with children involved. You don't leave because you're not currently happy.

Relationships are hard work sometimes, so work hard at them!

OP said himself, it's not abusive or toxic, it's just not sunshine and roses all the time.

Because in the vast majority of those threads, the mums are doing most of the child rearing work alone, have sacrificed their career and often their health (mental and physical) and their social life for those kids, and they’re also not actually planning on walking away and leaving their kids with their other parent. They are not comparable situations.
As I said above, men walking away and leaving the bulk of childcare responsibilities to the child’s mother is a tale as old as time. Not so much the other way around.

Dear God, he's not talking about taking the kids with him, is he? He is talking about living alone, maybe getting a new girlfriend (excitement!), all set in the context of how he was happier when he was a single man and could do what he wanted.

To have all those statements and all that given context and then for you to state he is planning to be the primary parent or to even do half?! I'm sorry, that is for the fairies. He's had plenty of criticism for running out and he's not come back to clarify that he'll be doing at least 50/50, let alone more, is he?

He wants to easy life of the non-resident dad He'll see his kid part-time and she'll do all the bulk of the work and mental load associated with having kids and he'll turn up for the fun bits. Because doing more would make him unhappy. Poor chap.

Did the OP say he was planning on leaving his kids behind? No he said he wasn't in love with his partner......so yes it was nearly identical. Don't try and make me look like a tit!

Oh look, a man claiming he does childcare for his own children. Honey that ain’t childcare, that’s parenting and you’re a shit of a person.

He certainly didn’t say he’s going to move out and take the kids with him!

I would never be able to look my children in the eye knowing that I’d left them to pursue “my interests” and a new relationship, having already committed to them BY ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO CREATE THEM.

The horse has already bolted for anyone who has children. There is no former life to go back to. Only a new life with children and moral responsibilities. To deny that, ignore that, obfuscate that fact and try to live a single “carefree” life when there are children somewhere who had every reason to expect to be able to rely on you to parent them, is awful and selfish in the extreme.