Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Acknowledging that perhaps English is not your first language, for future reference, suggesting that women may be missing out ("to the detriment of the opinion-holder") because their ill-thought-out ("knee-jerk") sexual preferences is "closed-minded", "puritanical" and "victorian [sic]" will read to any native speaker as patronising, insulting and designed to shame women out of their sexual boundaries.

This is because out suggests that if women aren't open (excuse the pun) to 'giving it a go' they are all of the negative words you have chosen to pin on them.

If this is not what you meant, the problem is not one of understanding on our part, but expression on yours.

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness

Does he care that pressuring you into sex might affect your happiness? Does he care that what he's asking is something that you don't want to do? Does he care that it might be painful for you, or does he think that's just a price you should pay for his penis to be less sad? Does he think that the prospect of a painful sex act might cause you to be anxious?

He sounds awful OP. He is trying to guilt and manipulate you into a sex act that you don't want to do. Once you have told him "no" that should be the end of it. You don't have to research it, you don't have to be open to it. And I assume by research, what he means is only the research that a minority of women enjoy it. Not the research that it is always painful for lots of women or that it can cause long-term health problems. I bet he isn't interested in that.

It is also completely irrelevant that he would have a dildo up his arsehole. Tell him to research the fact that women's anuses are lower than men's so the angle can make it hurt more, that men's anal wall is thicker and less likely to be damaged or to have long-term problems, that men have a prostate which gives them pleasure, that women's sphincters are smaller and tighter so the likelihood of it hurting is higher. Has he done any of that research? Bet he hasn't.

The very first thing the OP posted was:
“My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to.

The last sentence she wrote was:
“I don't have an issue with him being interested in experimenting with things, but I don't want to do that.”

She does not want to try anal sex and she has made that very clear. Any further discussion around how to go about having anal sex/merits and drawbacks/risks etc is completely pointless and irrelevant. SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN TRYING IT.

The OP also doesn’t need increasingly graphic descriptions of how much some posters enjoy anal sex, how they go about it, what positions they do it in, how they prepare and how good their partner is at it.
While she may have initially asked for opinions/experiences, and this may have “seemed like she was considering it”, she was only considering it because she was feeling pressured to do so. She has been VERY clear that this is not something she wants to do.

Posters repeatedly going into detail about how much they enjoy the act she isn’t interested in trying, along with repeatedly bringing up how good their sex life is, on a thread started by a woman who is facing difficulties in her sex life/marriage and who is feeling pressured to consider engaging in a sexual act that she doesn’t want to, is tone deaf and shows absolutely no empathy towards the OP.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

You might want to read the OP’s post again before lecturing people for responding to a legitimate question the OP asked for herself. Above is the last sentence in her OP. I’d say that was inviting the very debate you are saying we shouldn’t be having. She asked the question. She invited the debate. Posters are answering it from their own experience.

@pam290358

I quoted the first sentence the OP posted, and the last. Both of these state clearly that she does not want to try this.
I also said, in the post you have quoted:
"While she may have initially asked for opinions/experiences, and this may have “seemed like she was considering it”, she was only considering it because she was feeling pressured to do so. She has been VERY clear that this is not something she wants to do."

Is her question asking for views and experiences on the "anal sex thing" specifically asking for people to share their experiences of anal sex?
I read it differently, as her asking for views and experiences on having a partner pushing for anal sex, whether she should consider it, and if anyone else had been in this situation.

I think the issue is that people started to give advice about how to do it, or seemed to encourage the OP to consider it. A vague ' well I did it and enjoy it, but you should not do anything unless you are willing/ enthusiastic' might be a better response.

There are some people that just love to bore others talk about their varied sex life

It’s not about advice it’s about letting others know they are sexually adventurous and non vanilla. No one has actually asked them about it their sex life yet any opportunity given their stories will be shared 🥱

@dontcryformeargentina

The OP has said that she DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL SEX! So why the ludicrous, long, boring, tedious, highly descriptive way of 'explaining' how she can apparently make it easier for herself?

Do you normal struggle with comprehension? And do you think women should not be allowed to say no to things MEN want them to do? Shame on you!

@HungryLittleCrocodile This is public forum. We are all entitled to post and you don't have to click , read the things you don't want. Hypocrite!

@HungryLittleCrocodile Please do not twist my words. I've reported you for insulting me

I'd suggest your husband see a csat/apsat (a normal therapist wont understand unfortunately)

I'd reccomend the naked truth project.
Omar minwhallas integrity abuse and secret sexual basement.

I counsel sex addicts your husbands behaviours is giving off some clear red flags for some issues he has. Obviously no one can diagnose any addictions over one post. However he clearly has an entitlement issue. He is willing to lose his relationship and potentially family too over anal sex? It's not a healthy rational perspective.

We recommend no porn or masturbation/sex for 130 days. You'd be amazed how many men realise its not their sex drive that's the issue.

I'd reccomend the pbse podcast or your brain on porn as I imagine like many men he will be reluctant to see pornography as a issue. Maybe a opening conversation on how porn changes the brain may get him to entertain the idea.

Op I'm sorry you're going through this. This is his issue to fix. You absolutely do not have to do anything other than keep yourself safe and set your own boundaries. Be that separation if you so wish.

Agreed. It all comes across to me as rather grubby/skanky. Let someone shove something up your arse all you like but seriously, to me it's revolting and not many normal people want to read your stories about " bum fun" as one called it 🤮

Tell him to get a boyfriend

I'd also be concerned that this week he'll divorce you without anal, but next week maybe he'd like to choke you instead. Where does it end?

With respect. In the last part of her OP, she wrote But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this? The people who are giving advice around their own experiences are responding to what l’d say is a direct request from OP.

With respect. In the last part of her OP, she wrote But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this? The people who are giving advice around their own experiences are responding to what l’d say is a direct request from OP.

I interpreted that question as the OP asking for views and experiences on this specific aspect of the situation she's dealing with - having a partner pushing for anal sex when she's said she doesn't want it, not accepting that she's said no and urging her to do research and reconsider. As she's been so clear that she doesn't want to, it didn't make sense that she'd also be asking for advice on how to do it.

If she'd said she'd like to try it and asked "what are people's experiences of anal sex?", graphic descriptions and guidance would be a totally appropriate response.
But she hasn't said that.
She's said, more than once, that she does not want to do this.
She doesn't need advice on how to do something that she doesn't want to do.

Don't give bad advice. He is adventurous and so should a couple be to spice their relationship. Why not try it once for him and if you don't like it you let him know and you have proof that at least you tried it and give your reasons. What if it was you wanting to try something sexy in bed and he keeps saying know to ya? Don't listen to people who doesn't give advice that help your marriage. He loves you and is not bullying ya. Anal sex is good but may not be for everyone but also exciting.

Bad advice.

Oh piss off @Sexlover1171 . If OP doesnt want to try it shes perfectly OK to say no. My bum is exit only and I'd never try anal either. He's coercing her and thats not ok

I guess your not married and so should shut up giving advice to lovers.

It's you're not your, as you're saying 'you are'.
The OP wrote the question in 2024.

If you dont want anal - dont do anal. He is free to leave the marriage if this is his line. Your line is no anal. Youre just not compatible.

If it’s a hill he will die on and you don’t want anal sex and that’s your decision and he needs to understand respect that

then you will be splitting up

never do anything you don’t want to esp sex wise for someone else’s pleasure

Oh. Just seen the date. It’s almost 2yrs old

@Saturday3 I hope you are now divorced from this man if he didn’t take no for an answer