Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

@Hummingbird75 hmm he may be gay, of course, but that isn't deviant (or whatever the worse thing is that you are suggesting).

That aside, op has a boundary and this guy needs to respect it or leave.

@NoisyDenimShaker When you think about it, poops are about penis size, sooo....

Except turds are soft and malleable. If turds were as hard as penii, then they could cause the same damage that penii cause.

@Hummingbird75 I would be considering the reason behind our failing marriage and sex life is perhaps rooted in his interest in men, anal sex both receiving and giving of, and not in women especially at all. I have never come across a single straight man that has ever been interested in this (wait for the obvious post that says otherwise) but I would be seriously questioning his sexuality and he has definitely become deviant.

Ah, this old nonsense again.

If a man is gay, that means he thinks other men are attractive. Being gay has nothing to do with a sexual interest in putting things inside someone's arse, or having things put inside your own arse.

There are straight men who are interested in putting things in arses. There are gay men who have zero interest in putting things in arses (Stephen Fry has stated in the past he has no interest in anal sex).

I'm always bemused as to why a small number of people get the definitions conflated and think "gay" means "anal sex."

Grim grim grim. My exh used to hint at wanting anal sex all the time. The very thought of it made my legs snap shut. It's not something I'm ever willing to try or do "research" on.

There has been an awful lot of judgemental posts on here…..
Any type of sexual activity between consenting adults in the privacy of their home is nobody else’s business.

But it seems to me that the main issue is that OPs DH is trying to coerce her into doing something she doesn’t want to…and is threatening her by saying it’s a hill he is prepared to die on….

What a nasty piece of work! I would not be able to move past that…he is trying to make you do something, knowing you don’t want to do it. I would seriously consider asking him to leave.

FTFT.
She asked a question and I answered it. Scroll back to what the post you claim is "harassment " is in response to- a direct question. She asked how taking Imodium to have anal sex is different from taking Valtrex for herpes.

Harassment my ass. Pun intended.

The batshit is on your end. You haven't bothered to follow along. The poster repeatedly claimed that the rectum is "clean" and not a source of stool bacteria, which is incorrect. She had to be told the facts multiple times because she kept claiming it. She was clearly not informed before and now she is. So it's "harassment" to correct misinformation, is it?

She offered intimate details before anybody said anything. Nobody forced her to do anything.

Good grief. How manipulative can you get. All anybody did was correct the nonsense you were saying about how the ass is clean, there is no risk of infection and no extra risk because of IBS. None of that is true.
Now you play the victim because one misguided soul gave you the idea the claim "harassment" over being disagreed with.
If people correcting misinformation you put out on the internet actually caused your IBS to flare up, it couldn't possibly be as under control as you claimed.
I was done with this until you tried this pathetically transparent ploy. Yuck. The gall it takes to falsely accuse people of "harassing" you because they corrected the misinformation you posted and claim they are causing you health problems is unreal.

OP - Please bring this up urgently in your next joint therapy session. Appreciate it may be hard to talk about such an intimate subject but he is putting awful pressure on you.

It needs discussion and he needs to understand that you are saying : ‘I don’t want this’

any therapist worth their salt will help you to communicate and him to understand that Anal is for you non negotiable for you.

Well said @XChrome

You must be fucking trolling

SHE SAID NO

Thanks greengreyblue. This thread has gotten increasingly bizarre. Now we have a white knight type in here to save a fair maiden from "ableist" advice about the factual risks of anal sex when you have IBS. Political correctness kookery abounds on MN.

Reported @Iloveadventure

I was done with talking to her about this as well and indicated that to her, until she accused people of causing an IBS flare.
Fucking unreal how manipulative that is.
This "ableism" character is also being manipulative as well as intellectually dishonest.

FTFT. She actually said she did not talk to the doctor about IBS and anal specifically, which I figured would be the case, because no doctor worth anything would okay that. I'm sure the initial ommision was inadvertent, so no fault on her part.
The real problem was that she repeatedly posted false information about the rectum being free of bacteria. She was corrected. That is all.
I have IBS myself and none of this is "ableist" in the least.

So yeah, draw a line under it by not making unfounded accusations, thereby dredging it all up again.

Have you explained to him how you also have this urge to stick on a massive strap on and give it to him hard right up the chufter, whilst sending electric currents through his balls and that he should research it too? Have you told him that that is a hill that you are also happy to die on. Because that is what I would be doing at this point! It's your bloody body. It's not for him to decide how he gets to use it!! Same with oral sex. Stick a banana down his throat until he gags. If he's not willing to have the same done to him, then he shouldn't be happy to demand it of you.

If you get nothing out of anal sex why is your DH insisting on having it? Not very two-way. And have you tried vaginal penetration with the fingers (3 or 4) which if done rapidly - ten minutes + constantly (I'm not sure how long, I don't bring a stopwatch to bed!) - and with gentle force may bring you to a climax. Then you can have a second orgasm via the clitoris and penile penetration.

I'm back, having spent the day on the loo. Maybe the flare-up wasn't stress-related, but it seemed like it. I'll tell my bowels they're being manipulative. 😂 There's actually a strong mind-body connection between bowels and brain.

Some posters here - can't quite keep track of who - won't accept a single thing I say, because they are so prejudiced against any woman having anal sex, ever.

The OP asked for people's views and experience of anal sex. The sheer anger at a positive story has been unreal.

And about cleanliness, I meant lack of visible stool, not that there are no germs. I don't understand how he doesn't get an infection either, but he doesn't, and I'm guessing long-term gay couples who have been together for many years don't use barrier methods either. Anyway, let's not talk about this detail anymore.

I see that some posters were posting about or to me, and then objecting to me replying. So basically, I'm not meant to reply or defend myself; a bit of slow, gentle anal occasionally is not OK, and I'm not allowed to talk, either, while others talk about me.

LMFAO! 😂😂😂😂 Never gonna happen!

The man I do it with is American and has a sexy US accent as well. Makes it even hotter. 🔥

Do grow up @NoisyDenimShaker

There are some very deluded women on here. Anal sex might be your thing but it's not sexy and it's not " hot" and as for the " bum fun " poster.. that made me feel 🤮

You first.

I find being laid face down aids things along. Plenty of lube, then once partner has got the tip in it's plain sailing.

You can't tell me what my experience is. Deluded? You're a CF. You can't say categorically that it's not sexy and it's not hot. Not for you, and not for many others, but for me, with this particular guy, it's insanely hot and sexy. Other women here have said they enjoy it too. But his American accent and big muscles and tender loving care have me in a big gooey puddle whether doing vaginal or anal. 😍

I'm not deluded, I just found me a good lover for the first time in my 50 years.

The amount of thrashing and hysteria on here about a woman enjoying something that's not vanilla is VERY Victorian, and pretty funny really. Who knew that a woman enjoying a bit of anal could be so crazy-making? And talk about denying a woman agency...it's like I've wandered into the Dark Ages.

One dose of Imodium = drugs. 😂😂😂😂