Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

And I’ve never heard of a vagina requiring reconstruction surgery ( and believe me there would be men that would boast if it did …)

Why are you lecturing a grown adult, quite capable of making informed decisions, when they’ve explained that they’ve consulted their doctor and taken steps to minimise any risk as much as possible ? Your post is bordering on harassment.

I think it is okay for pp to be horrified by some of the posts on here, and to point out the issues. Anal sex comes with extraordinary risk and pain for some, of course it is important to outline what those risks are - in full.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but for me the bumhole is and will continue to be unexplored territory. It's an exit hole, exclusively, in my body, and if my husband started trying to push me into it I honestly don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't do it, that's for certain.

I'm sorry he's trying to push you into this.

I asked my doc if anal is OK. I didn't specifically say "with IBS," come to think of it. But I wouldn't have anal if I was having a flare-up, anyway, or had had one in prior days, so i wouldn't have thought to ask. Of course you're not going to have anal when you butt is sore. It's mostly under control now thanks to giving up sugar. I take the Imodium mostly as a fail-safe to ensure I don't have a random attack on the day and ruin my plans, and partly to ensure my anal passage is as clear as possible.

I disagree that taking Imodium for occasional Imodium is unhealthy. It's one dose of Imodium. You're over-reacting. There are also health benefits from having sex that I really enjoy that outweigh one dose of Imodium.

Sometimes I eat something gooey and delicious that I know will set me off, but I eat it anyway because I want it, and I take Imodium. Is that bad too, or is it only bad when used to facilitate anal, because you very clearly don't approve of anal?

The big risk of infection with having anal without condoms is going from anal to vaginal, and we would never do that. We have anal only when we're done with vaginal and everything else. It's the last thing on the menu. No one gets infections, or torn bowels, or leaks stool, and blood, or all the other horrors people have brought up. Clearly, a lot of people out there are doing it wrong! I was surprised when he said that he wanted to rawdog it, and I brought up infection, but he said he's never got one from anal. We don't have any STDs, and we are in a committed relationship, so I said fine, it's your member. I think I did check that with my doc. It was almost three years ago so I can't quite remember. I looked it up online and various sources said it was OK without a condom if you're both negative for STDs.

I am NOT saying the OP should do this or others should. I'm just giving my experiences as the OP asked. Sex should always, always be the result of enthusiastic consent.

Well, I haven't MEASURED them, but they look about the same size as erect penises, don't they! Like sausages.

Oh man. What a conversation!

This thread is definitely going from bad to worse...

I have enjoyed anal sex/toys on occasion, but I do think it is riskier than vaginal penetration, and (at least initially) it can really hurt. I could only ever do it with someone who I really trusted, and who I knew would listen to my limits and stop immediately if something wasn't right, or I just wanted to stop! There are also times when I don't want to do it, and wouldn't want to be pressured into it on these occasions.

I would never do it with someone who was trying to pressure me into it or was threatening to leave me over it.

If you never would be open to it, that's totally fine and your husband should respect it. If you are open to it, but the pressure is making you uncomfortable, explain that you can't trust him with this sort of sex act when he is putting you under so much pressure, and he needs to demonstrate that he can respect boundaries and limits before you are willing to try something like this together.

It sounds like he is pressuring you into sex in general- that to me seems like a bigger issue? Do you enjoy sex when you have it normally now the pain has stopped?

We need to hear more from OP about if she is being coerced.

OP, are there negative consequences of any kind when you say no to sex? Like the silent treatment, withdrawal of all physical affection like kisses and cuddles, not wanting to go out and do stuff together? Or anything else?

I think mine are somewhat daintier actually 👼

Never done it and no desire to.

Seems to me this poster is well aware of the issues and risks, clearly knows their own body and is quite capable of making their own decisions. It’s one thing to point out the issues. It’s quite another to keep tagging the same poster repeating the same information in the most patronising way. It’s harassment, forcing the poster to reveal ever more intimate detail in order to defend themselves. Batshit.

That’s a very good point, and pegging him has nothing to do with the real issue here…which is that OP doesn’t want it and the husband having a massive strop and not respecting her boundaries. The most important thing to him apparently is that he has his sexual wishes fulfilled, and that she should just go along with it for his sake.

I really feel bad for OP being married to someone like this. He has been fully pornified into believing it is his right to drill his wife up the *ss, and that she’s being unreasonable for denying him. Even if the 25% statistic is correct, that means the overwhelming majority don’t engage in anal sex.

I don’t see how things can work out with someone that entitled.

Ah, well, I've always loved my food!

What is batshit is having unprotected anal sex where your risk of infection and rupture is greatly increased. To have to get drunk or take drugs to accommodate this is really really sad and astonishing to lots of people.

I don't know if the pp was 'harassing' that seems like an over exaggeration to me, to me they seemed keen to back up their points with facts.

The goal is probably to get some acknowledgement I imagine, at least some understanding of the risks to women(and men) involved in this kind of activity.

I would not want a man that was into porn and addicted in the first place, so we wouldn't get to this stage, the relationship would already be over. The basis for any marriage is surely an agreement of VALUES more than anything else (and the support of objectifying and harming women through porn use is not something I look for in a life partner)

I think sometimes women have to deal with their partner becoming hooked later in the relationship. I doubt it’s a seductive aspect of their Dp in the early days.

I think there's been some hysteria in the reactions to my experience of anal sex. I'm not in denial, it's not astounding that I take one dose of Imodium before occasional anal, and I don't think I'm risking a torn bowel or a torn anus by having slow, careful, well-lubed occasional anal. Neither do I leak stool, mucus, or blood after. Some of the reactions here have been positively lurid! I hope that some sex positivity about anal has helped provide a balance to the very real issues that anal can bring.

None of this helps the OP, who doesn't want to do it and is having issues with her husband and her marriage.

No one should EVER do anal that they don't want to. I was curious about it long before I met my DP, so I was predisposed to it.

I do not think OP should do it. She says clearly at the start of the message that she doesn't want to do it, but then she asks for views and experiences about anal. This tells me she's thinking about doing it to please him.

If it's not two ENTHUSIASTIC yeses, it's a no.

It sounds like this marriage is making OP miserable.

It can be uncomfortable going in, but it doesn't hurt me, for one, and the initial discomfort soon goes away.

Maybe I've just got a big bum! 😂

I told an ex that he was welcome to rub Anusol onto my haemorrhoids when he suggested it!

Go for it ! Love Honey and Ann Summers (other suppliers available ) stock a wide range of butt plugs , strap ons and lubes for his comfort. Just remember to be gentle with him at first.
That's not what he meant ? If YOU don't fancy it, don't do it

It's dangerous and some doctors have warned on here about it in the past.

🙄

Go and get a sweater.

My ex-husband gave me herpes, not this partner. And it was transmitted in an entirely innocent way. He gets cold sores, and he was evidently shedding the virus when giving me oral at one time. You can shed the virus without having a cold sore. That's how cold sores spread, Except mine are down there.

I don't think one dose of Imodium qualifies as drugs. You make it sound as if I have to be high on LSD to do it!

I wrote a post in some detail describing on what I get out of anal. Did you see it?

I'm in a committed partnership, and although anal carries a higher risk of STD transmittal due to the delicate anal tissue, you can't catch what isn't there. Like every single couple that doesn't use condoms, I take the risk of trusting my partner.

Anyway, I see that the real reason you are harassing me about my romantic and satisfying sex life is because you think anal sex is "beyond grim and repulsive." That may be true for you, but it's not for me, and it's not for several other women in this thread.

And yes, given all the explanations I've written out, you are now harassing me. I have a positive experience of anal with this particular partner. We know what we are doing, and we really enjoy it. I have no idea why this upsets a couple of posters so much.

Just wondering whether to confess a few more things we do that would make the anal seem tame...but I think you might actually explode!

My ex used to pester for same but I stuck with my guns and said no.
He found someone who was willing. That's why he's my ex.
Don't let him emotionally bribe you. It's your choice your body

But you DO need lots of lube to do anal. It's nothing to do with not wanting it.

I take Imodium to keep a medical condition I have at bay and stop it ruining my sex life. It's not my fault I have IBS. There's no need to be snarky about my medication.