Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Tell him you will practice on him first with a very large dildo - then still say bugger off anyway , even if he likes it!!
He has no business pressurising you for something you don't want at all

@NoisyDenimShaker tell us you think this thread is all about you without telling us...

Yup. Plus in that position he can kiss my back and neck.

We do anal missionary too, which is very romantic and intimate since you can kiss in that position and have lots of eye contact.

OP asked for experiences of anal sex, I gave mine, and people kept on and on talking to me, so I don't know what to tell you. 🤷‍♂️I guess you're one of those posters who think that in this thread, others should talk and post about me and directly to me, but that I should not reply. Yah. Not happening.

OP hasn't come back, so we carried on. It would be helpful if she came back and gave more details about what's going on in her marriage. Specifically, as I asked a couple of times, whether there are negative consequences for her saying no to sex, like the silent treatment and more that I outlined in a post. We need more details of possible coercion. Her original post was slightly confusing as many took it that he said anal was a hill he would die on, but then it turned out he didn't mean that, but wider marital problems. She also said she didn't want to do it but then asked for people's views and experiences of anal, which made it seem like she was considering it.

I would really like to know what the consequences are for her of saying no, to any kind of sex. Is it just that they're incompatible, or is he meting out negative consequences for saying no? If so, that is coercion and she should end the marriage.

They do sound sexually incompatible, at the very least. It's sad.

Lots of deleted posts. What on earth was said when I was in the loo? 🫨

I'm not understanding why you have a problem with one poster saying that she and her partner nickname the day they often do anal as "bum fun Fridays." It's their sex life, they enjoy it, and it has a funny nickname. So what? OP asked for experiences. I don't get why some posters are so insanely angry at some women enjoying anal. We are not all the same.

He sounds like a bit of a bully and why are you having to do all of those things to keep him happy what does he do to keep you happy or meet your needs ? It's seems to be all about him And his sexual drive and nothing about your needs ? I wouldn't do anything you don't want to and if you already told him that then that should have been the end of it. Does he have a wax addiction .. genuinely asking .

I agree with all that.

What's a wax addiction and why would he have one??

ETA: Oh, maybe you meant sex addiction.

I hear you. However, none of this gives you the right to accuse people of harassing you and causing you health distress. I get that it all came at you at once and was a bit much. I do hope it was not a contributing factor. I have IBS myself, so if people on the internet could stress me out enough to cause a flare I would stay off the internet. Though it's not as bad as places like X and Reddit, you do need a pretty thick skin to be posting on MN.

Personally, I don't give a damn about anybody liking anal and it certainly does not make me angry or, even more ludicrously, jealous. God bless and enjoy. My goal was about providing the correct info.

The reason your BF doesn't get an infection is probably because of the structure of the male urethra. The hole is tiny and the tract is long, whereas women have a larger pee hole and a shorter urinary tract.
As I said, information is good to have, is it not? But yes, let's say no more about that.

On a lighter note, do Brits really find US accents sexy? If so, my eastern Canadian twang should drive British men absolutely wild.

I don't have a gallbladder and so I have bile dripping around where it shouldn't be, so maybe that caused it since I haven't eaten much today. It's hard to tell what really caused it, but I did feel a bit stressed at all the anger.

I can't speak for all British women, but I find North American accents wildly sexy on men. Reminds me of cowboys and just sounds altogether so masculine to me, especially if they're deep voices.

I think we are often attracted to what's different, so if you have an accent, you'll def get noticed!

ETA: re, gallbaldder, I really did not think I'd end up talking so much about my insides when I said I enjoyed anal with one guy in 50 years. 🫨 I think the OP has plenty of positive and negative views and experiences to pick from here!

Yeah, I have a friend who spends a lot of time in NYC. Men there go crazy for her accent.
Sorry to hear about your gallbladder. That's rough.

Oh FFS! 🙄

its absolutely fine that you do not want to have anal sex and just because he is ok having a dildo up his arse doesn’t mean you should feel ok to anal sex

you know your boundaries stick to them or they shall constantly be pushed and you will lose respect for yourself

we don’t need to try things we feel uncomfortable with or find a turn off so much pressure is now put on woman because of the influence of porn it makes me so angry

Oh it didn’t take long for the old you just need lots of preparation 🙄

no the op doesn’t need to prepare she has said no and that is her answer

@HungryLittleCrocodile
You are welcome

I have experience of ableism and again I’m disabled and can’t speak for other posters and I’m not about to go into it all in detail as I’ve said above, for the reasons I’ve stated but I certainly wasn’t being ableist. So must just it with that.

You say you should draw a line under it after this super long post 🙄You and that other poster have both said more than me. Check the exchanges that were going on - I said very little and was quite restrained in my opinions actually. My brief comment was in reply to someone.

If you wanted to make a general point about the discussion and ableism you’ve seen going on between the long back and forth than went on between certain posters , fine - but you didn’t need to quote me.

I stand by my stated opinions but to reiterate I wasn’t being ableist, and so stop trying to draw me out on this.

😆The last line above in my previous post was meant to be : “So just stop it with that”

Exactly spot on 🎯

I had walked away from it too and this morning just noticed all these in-depth replies going over it again after I said I was done. So I wonder did they really want the argument to be over or not?

This "ableism" character is also being manipulative as well as intellectually dishonest.

🎯

They just wrote a bunch of nothing trying to justify their accusations.

ETA: I had actually missed a lot of the back and forth that was going on as I fell asleep around for hours around noon 😂 and had just skim read, but I’ve just read the last few pages properly now and no I don’t see any ableism.

Not from you, me or anyone else. They can bore off with that.

@dontcryformeargentina telling women they need alcohol to accept a penis up their bum is so not cool. Reported.

@greengreyblue ???? I never said that. You are literally twisting my words. I meant if she is willing to explore, that one of the technical side of that. You are mad if you think my message was different. Get a life! Projecting much??

@dontcryformeargentina
You said “it's not going to hurt with lots of preparation : mental stimulation/ seduction, alcohol, soothing massage , lots of foreplay, making you properly wet, him running you, using lube and vibrator on your clit.ental stimulation/ seduction, alcohol, soothing massage , lots of foreplay, making you properly wet, him running you, using lube and vibrator on your clit.”
Oh yes you did!
Why should it take all of that? Because it’s bloody painful and unnatural and for the umpteenth time SHE SAID NO!!!

@greengreyblue i was talking about general technical side of this. There wasn't any mentioning of OP.
I'm absolutely shocked that you've taken it out of context.

Nobody should have to be sedated with alcohol or other substance to accept sexual activity. Just such a poor message .