Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Unfortunately I have just read your post and it reminded me of that thing I heard about I think it's a gay man thing, something like freezing the stool and then using it as an anal dildo.
Which made me think of a documentary about a man who was obsessed with living as long as he could and he had stored all of his bowel movements in a freezer.
Which made me think of that thing about Putin whenever he goes to the toilet in another country he has a team of people come in and take the stool so that it can't be analyzed to see what his health problems might be.

That's....some train of thought! 🫨

Very sorry I didn't mean to derail the thread!
🚂

This harassment has stressed me out and now I AM actually having an episode of IBS. Well, that's me on the loo for the foreseeable. Cheers, certain posters. Turns out you're worse for my bum than anal.

THANK YOU!

Those posters are probably just jealous after I posted about how hot and romantic it is.

Hot and romantic? 😂😂😂😂😂

Sorry. I didn’t mean it to be hurtful and you have had a rough time on here.

I have this immaturity in that I’m quick to see humour in bottom-related humour. I’ll try to sober up.

Yep I’ve just saw that too - I’ve heard it all now 😵‍💫

Why do people insist on being ableist. That poster has explained time and time again that they have a disabling condition which they’re managing with medication, and under medical supervision. Imodium is part of that treatment and she uses it to manage her sex life. Why are you assuming that because they’re disabled they can’t think for themselves ? If you have no similar experience you have no basis on which to comment.

"I personally haven't said OP should try it, quite the opposite if she doesn't want to. I'm just describing my experience, like she asked."

She asked just one time, in her very first post. A post that began with “My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to.”
She has posted since then, and has repeated that she does not want to do this.

She hasn't expressed any interest in your descriptions, asked any follow up questions, or requested more details from you.

“I have a positive experience of anal with this particular partner. We know what we are doing, and we really enjoy it. I have no idea why this upsets a couple of posters so much.”

Personally I’m not upset by your determination to keep replying to people/hijacking the thread with details of your “hot and romantic” sex life, but I am confused about why you’re doing it.
What's your intention in continuing to share? How do you think it will help the OP (who isn’t interested in trying anal sex) to repeatedly, in great detail, over multiple posts, keep describing your experience of it?

“Just wondering whether to confess a few more things we do that would make the anal seem tame...”
Maybe you could start your own thread to talk about your sex life, if you’re so desperate to share the details?

Trust me, there’s nothing humourous in IBS.

No I know that. But some of us get derailed into finding the whole general topic silly when people start talking about poos the size of penises and other slightly squeamish topics. But you will see I said to that poster I think she’s had a hard enough time on this thread. And I think she has. She’s tried to give insights many of us don’t have.

I’ll keep it brief as I’ve just RTFT and see it’s all been said and also said poster seems to be done with describing their anal experience ( thankfully)and may have left the thread so I don’t want to necessarily focus on them but let’s just say in general I find the idea of taking medication or alcohol to facilitate anal sex awful.

It’s not about “ableism” 🙄 where did you get from this anyone assumed disabled people can’t think for yourself? absolute nonsense.

Back to you OP…I actually can’t RTET. But I did read the first 8ish pages. Pelvic floor disorder is a very real thing. Google
northwestern university…they have a department and a fellowship solely dedicated to pelvic floor disorders. Age childbirth and constipation…all 3 commonly affecting women contribute to PFD and it’s very common. You don’t want to have anal
sex. Anal sex isn’t good for your health both physical and mental (since it’s not consensual) and if I’m correct (and I am presumptive) I feel this is just a small nugget of marital discord. He wants to die on the hill of no anal? Let him. You are willing to die on the hill of no anal. And it WILL lead to other sex act exploration you also may not want to do. DH has changed. He wants something you cannot provide…like maybe you want a new house or car. Since it’s sex it’s cloaked in accommodation as DW. If he leaves you for anal sex he really is an ass and I would be looking at the next woman with sadness. I also would be looking for him to have an affair to get this “need” met. It’s a shit situation but I wouldn’t do it. I was divorced a dating in my 40s and had this proposed. Of course when I said …you first…it dropped and eventually he dropped me.

She hasn't expressed any interest in your descriptions, asked any follow up questions, or requested more details from you.

It’s obviously escaped your notice that this poster has been repeatedly tagged by another poster lecturing her on the dangers of anal sex for IBS sufferers. And the OP did actually say at the end of her post that she would be interested to hear the opinion/ experience of others when it came to anal sex. Or did you miss that ?

Personally I’m not upset by your determination to keep replying to people/hijacking the thread with details of your “hot and romantic” sex life, but I am confused about why you’re doing it.

See above. A poster doggedly tagging the poster and calling them out in the most patronising way on their management of IBS/sexual preferences, infantilising the poster and forcing them to reveal detail they probably wouldn’t have done if they hadn’t been tagged and nagged several times. They could simply have ignored the tagging certainly, but in their position I’d probably have done the same just to stop the incessant commenting on personal, intimate details of disability which are nothing whatever to do with anyone else.

Maybe you could start your own thread to talk about your sex life, if you’re so desperate to share the details?

See all of the above. I read the posters comment about confessing a few more things, as sarcasm. Probably borne of frustration in not being able to shake being tagged. Certainly didn’t seem desperate to share the details to me - quite the opposite as she only posted in response to questioning.

I thought the ableism was a bit ott, but there are a few admonishments from that same bucket that get thrown about on MN - usually also ending in “ist” or “ism.” But that poster did get a hard time and it’s probably time to lay off them.

A lot of people are ableist in the world, and many other isms etc, but there was zero basis for it to be used in this context. And this is coming from someone who has disabilities and has had IBS in the past themselves.

But that poster did get a hard time and it’s probably time to lay off them.

Agreed which is why I noted they were done with the discussion and I kept my reply short and more general.

I was more irritated at ableism being thrown in for no reason or I wouldn’t even have replied.

I’ve expressed my opinion, specifically on the alcohol /medication thing and I stand by it. However, I won’t engage further with anyone who tries to draw out the argument on that at the expense of that poster.

They say it because anal tears and rips in the rectum are very possible if women are anally penetrated roughly or without lubrication because the tissue in the area is less robust than in men. Anal incontinence can also result.
Also, there is little point (if any) in anal sex for women that make it worth the risk.

OP shouldn't be pressured to do anything sexual if she doesn't want to. End of

Don't let him guilt you into trying something you don't want to do. Suggest you buy a dildo and try it up his arse first, if he refuses, ask why as lots of men enjoy it

l was the one who ‘threw in’ ableism and it wasn’t unwarranted. I have twenty years as disability outreach worker and am disabled from birth myself. I’ve experienced ableism first hand and seen it applied to others in all its’ forms and IMO it was alive and well on here during the exchanges between those two posters and one or two more. What that poster actually said was that she and her partner planned for sex, including anal because she enjoys it. She has to take various drugs, including Imodium to facilitate sex, not just anal. As a result she was tagged several times and preached at in the most infantilising and patronising way, and probably revealed more detail than she intended to as a result. It was bordering on bullying several times. It’s not down to anyone else to tell a disabled person how to manage their own condition and try to repeatedly shame them into submission on a public forum. That isn’t advice, it’s ableism.

Sorry, but l think a lot of those exchanges were ableist too. The poster describing their IBS experience was quoted several times and virtually chased down so that the other poster could repeatedly try to get their points across, getting crosser and crosser when they were challenged.

Disability is a lived experience and no two disabilities are the same. No one but their own medical professional has the right to tell someone how to manage their own disability or condition, or to tell them they are doing it wrong, and certainly not to virtually call someone a liar for disclosing that they had discussed sex issues with their GP, as many people do for various reasons. I find it quite surprising that anyone could read those posts and not find them ableist in their patronising and lecturing tones to be honest. But as you say, that poster seems to have left the thread so maybe in the interests of not derailing we should draw a line under it.

You missed the bit where he is interested in having things inserted in his bum.

Yep, this was quite a few pages ago. OP said he’d indicated he’d be willing to try it himself !!

I would be considering the reason behind our failing marriage and sex life is perhaps rooted in his interest in men, anal sex both receiving and giving of, and not in women especially at all. I have never come across a single straight man that has ever been interested in this (wait for the obvious post that says otherwise) but I would be seriously questioning his sexuality and he has definitely become deviant.

I think you have to assume you don't know this man op, you may have known a version of him - that existed at some point in the past, but the man you dealing with now is at best a sexual deviant and at worst...I will leave it to your imagination.